How to handle unique issue with my mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wants your father and you to talk. She also wants to talk but she thinks you and your father should also talk- however difficult it is.

well then dude needs a hearing aid, stat.

[Anonymous]

With my mom there was no changing anything. No matter how long we talked, it would as never enough. And I assume no matter when you call, your mom will never be ready.

I would try to ask your dad the same exact questions every time, so that he eventually knows the drill. They do have special amplified phones, but my parents had a hard time using them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she thinks your dad should or likes to talk to you as well so she makes it happen every time.

This!

[Anonymous]

Your cell put it on speaker and walk in and out of the room

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she thinks your dad should or likes to talk to you as well so she makes it happen every time.

This. She is doing it on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her call you instead.

If your mom is anything like mine....MAJOR NO unless you enjoy anxious and agitated calls.

I so related to this from when dad was alive. Call less so it doesn't annoy you as much. When it does have a pat thing you say, "I am so glad we got to chat. Gotta walk the dog. Look forward to chatting again!"

Yes, my mom hated when I called more often because she was always oh so busy and when i called less she complained. Ignore the complaining. remain cheerful and keep the boundaries that work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell her "mom, you never seem to prioritize talking with me, even when I thought we had agreed on a time. So, let me know when you want to talk and I will try to call." Put the ball in her court.

Two thoughts:
1) Why the hell is your father not dealing with his hearing loss? Does he not wear a hearing aid?
2) Who still pays for long distance calls?! Help your parents get a better landline plan. I guarantee they are getting ripped off. Or your mom is lying about "long distance" because she wants YOU to have to be the one to call.

I just responded, but as someone who has/had parents of the same mold I shall respond...

What PP wrote is reasonable for a rational person. My mom is crazy. I could never be so upfront because she's be livid. I am the one who had to call less, be perky and keep my boundaries. Mom cannot handle verbal boundaries so I did them behaviorally.

1.) Not OP, but my dad was bad about using his hearing aides. They are uncomfortable, seem strange when using them and there was some denial too.
2.) Parents BS all the time to manipulate their adult children. Chose your battles.

[Anonymous]

My Dad did well with a phone which had a volume button that went to REALLY loud. Might be worth a shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my mother, no matter what time of day or night I call, she is eating or drinking something. LOUDLY.

Morning? Slurping coffee and crunching Cheerios.
Mid-day? Slurping water and mashing tuna salad.
Evening? Slurping wine and mashing the other half of her tuna salad sandwich.

Yes, she eats a bowl of Cheerios with blueberries for breakfast and splits a tuna sandwich for lunch and dinner. Every. Single. Day. And yet somehow, she never eats at the same time. Just whenever I happen to call.

LOL

[Anonymous]

I believe there are phones for the hearing impaired. Your words would would convert to a text so your dad could understand what you are saying. Call the phone company? Hoping someone, who knows more than me, will chime in.

[Anonymous]

What you're doing is clearly not working, OP, so its time to try something else. You can't change her, but you can change what you do: pick a time for a regular call once every week and tell her that's when you'll be calling her. Don't give her a choice, just decide what time works best for you (and presumably for her). Then do just that. Call at that specific time every week, do the best you can with the conversation, and then don't call again. If she wants to negotiate a different time, that's fine, but stick to it. She'll either adjust or she won't but you should be able to gain some sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my mom there was no changing anything. No matter how long we talked, it would as never enough. And I assume no matter when you call, your mom will never be ready.

I would try to ask your dad the same exact questions every time, so that he eventually knows the drill. They do have special amplified phones, but my parents had a hard time using them.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her call you instead.

She won’t. I call because it’s long distance for her.

Was this written in 1986? Landlines still have long distance charges?

[Anonymous]

It’s because she has a landline. She needs to get settled before she sits down to talk to you. Have her put you on speaker and give her an update while she gets ready to settle in and listen.

[Anonymous]

OP, I relate to this completely. My mother is highly anxious and needs to be doing something all the time. Even when I fly across the country to come visit, she can’t sit still to chat and hang out. She is up and about in the kitchen, cleaning, doing something. My dad is also hard of hearing so I suspect she has this constant urge to take care of him. Is your mom like this all the time? I found I can usually get her to sit and chat if I call early in the morning before dad is awake and she has time to herself. Otherwise I keep the conversations brief. I am also usually handed off to my dad while my mom runs around in the background. Keep the calls brief but keep calling. My mom certainly tells me when it’s been weeks since I called even though she doesn’t sit to talk!