How to handle unique issue with my mother?

[Anonymous]

I’m trying to be a good daughter, but every time I call my parents (my mom, really, because my dad is hard of hearing) it makes my blood pressure go sky high. My mom is lonely and enjoys talking on the phone, so I make time for a 20 minute call a couple times a week. Yet every time I call, no matter the time of day, it seems like a bad time. It goes like this: I call and inevitably my dad will answer, but my mom will be right there, I can hear her. My dad will struggle to hear me, will ask my mom to take the phone, and she will say something like, talk to her for a minute while I get a drink of water/use the restroom/finish stirring the spaghetti sauce/put on a cardigan. It’s always some weird thing she is preoccupied doing so she can’t take the phone. And this leaves me spending 10 minutes shouting and repeating things to my dad before I even talk to my mom.

I’ve asked her to tell me when it’s a good time. Then I call her at that time and the same thing happens. Then she will pull this “it would be nice if you could make more time to talk” BS. It’s like she craves conversation while simultaneously not wanting to put in any effort to receive it.

How do I handle this without going insane myself!

[Anonymous]

Are you calling a land line or a cell phone? I handle it by texting my parents asking them to call me.

[Anonymous]

Have her call you instead.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she thinks your dad should or likes to talk to you as well so she makes it happen every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you calling a land line or a cell phone? I handle it by texting my parents asking them to call me.

Landline. She has a cell but doesn’t keep it on unless she’s actively using it, so texting wouldn’t work in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her call you instead.

She won’t. I call because it’s long distance for her.

[Anonymous]

With my mother, no matter what time of day or night I call, she is eating or drinking something. LOUDLY.

Morning? Slurping coffee and crunching Cheerios.
Mid-day? Slurping water and mashing tuna salad.
Evening? Slurping wine and mashing the other half of her tuna salad sandwich.

Yes, she eats a bowl of Cheerios with blueberries for breakfast and splits a tuna sandwich for lunch and dinner. Every. Single. Day. And yet somehow, she never eats at the same time. Just whenever I happen to call.

[Anonymous]

Could you try calling, and then when it becomes apparent that she is not going to be immediately available, say that you will call back in 15 minutes. Rinse and repeat until you get her on the phone.

If possible, try to do this on speaker phone if you have a long commute for groceries or something, or if you are doing dishes or laundry (and have it on speaker). Might that help the frustration, or would it make things worse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my mother, no matter what time of day or night I call, she is eating or drinking something. LOUDLY.

Morning? Slurping coffee and crunching Cheerios.
Mid-day? Slurping water and mashing tuna salad.
Evening? Slurping wine and mashing the other half of her tuna salad sandwich.

Yes, she eats a bowl of Cheerios with blueberries for breakfast and splits a tuna sandwich for lunch and dinner. Every. Single. Day. And yet somehow, she never eats at the same time. Just whenever I happen to call.

This made me laugh out loud! Thank you for sharing this. You made my afternoon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you try calling, and then when it becomes apparent that she is not going to be immediately available, say that you will call back in 15 minutes. Rinse and repeat until you get her on the phone.

If possible, try to do this on speaker phone if you have a long commute for groceries or something, or if you are doing dishes or laundry (and have it on speaker). Might that help the frustration, or would it make things worse?

I could try this and see how it goes. I carve out time around family stuff, so I’m not sure my family will love this. I just wish there was a way to get her to cooperate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my mother, no matter what time of day or night I call, she is eating or drinking something. LOUDLY.

Morning? Slurping coffee and crunching Cheerios.
Mid-day? Slurping water and mashing tuna salad.
Evening? Slurping wine and mashing the other half of her tuna salad sandwich.

Yes, she eats a bowl of Cheerios with blueberries for breakfast and splits a tuna sandwich for lunch and dinner. Every. Single. Day. And yet somehow, she never eats at the same time. Just whenever I happen to call.

This made me laugh out loud! Thank you for sharing this. You made my afternoon!

Same here! Is the tuna lightly fried?

[Anonymous]

tell her "mom, you never seem to prioritize talking with me, even when I thought we had agreed on a time. So, let me know when you want to talk and I will try to call." Put the ball in her court.

Two thoughts:
1) Why the hell is your father not dealing with his hearing loss? Does he not wear a hearing aid?
2) Who still pays for long distance calls?! Help your parents get a better landline plan. I guarantee they are getting ripped off. Or your mom is lying about "long distance" because she wants YOU to have to be the one to call.

[Anonymous]

It's social anxiety. They have to "prepare" for the call, and/or do something, anything, while on the call.

I too, like doing something while talking to my mother and some of my friends, because they tend to ramble. I try to reduce noise, but I do walk around with my landline phone tucked under my ear (hello crick in the neck), putting stuff away, dusting, folding laundry, all the things I hate doing but which can get done mindlessly while talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my mother, no matter what time of day or night I call, she is eating or drinking something. LOUDLY.

Morning? Slurping coffee and crunching Cheerios.
Mid-day? Slurping water and mashing tuna salad.
Evening? Slurping wine and mashing the other half of her tuna salad sandwich.

Yes, she eats a bowl of Cheerios with blueberries for breakfast and splits a tuna sandwich for lunch and dinner. Every. Single. Day. And yet somehow, she never eats at the same time. Just whenever I happen to call.

Distracting background nose being CAUSED by the person you're speaking with is one of my biggest pet peeves. I would snap and just say "Mom, I can't concentrate and all the noise is causing me stress. Call me back when you are finished eating/drinking/cooking/making a racket."

[Anonymous]

She wants your father and you to talk. She also wants to talk but she thinks you and your father should also talk- however difficult it is.