No close friends, lower school years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid seems to have friends at school and has lots of stories about playing at recess and in after care. But she's not super interested in playdates or seeing her friends outside of school. She seems happy but just enjoys the downtime at home. Some of it is the pandemic in that we stopped doing these things for so long that she's just not interested in picking them back up. I'm trying not to worry about it.

This is how my son is. The teacher says he is "never alone" meaning he's always playing and chatting with someone. His teacher last year said he was popular among his peers. But he doesn't ask for playdates and is happy to just see kids at his sports practices/games, play with his younger brother at home, and just hang out. I agree that the pandemic played a role. He was in K when everything shut down and we were just getting into that whole world of playdates with kids from school that I didn't know very well. I think he just adapted to life without that and found other ways to entertain himself even when we hit a point where we were comfortable doing playdates again. I'm sure if he didn't have a little brother it would be different. They are close enough in age that they can play pretty well during the times no one is at school or activities.

I don't have it in me to be one of those moms trying to engineer my kid's social life. I assume he will start gravitating more towards wanting to be around friends in his downtime as he gets older. I think some parents spend a lot of time trying to set these things up for their kids. I guess their kids ask for playdates more? I know a couple friends with only children who ask for playdates a lot. I figure why add another thing to my to do list if my kid isn't asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid seems to have friends at school and has lots of stories about playing at recess and in after care. But she's not super interested in playdates or seeing her friends outside of school. She seems happy but just enjoys the downtime at home. Some of it is the pandemic in that we stopped doing these things for so long that she's just not interested in picking them back up. I'm trying not to worry about it.

This is totally fine PP. Everyone needs to decompress. I think OP is not sure if her child is islated/self-isolating at school which would be a worry

[Anonymous]

This happens to a lot of kids. We’ve been at our school since pre-k and now graduating eight grade at the same school and my child has no close friends. She has two outside of school that she talks to or sees on occasion. It was very sad and frustrating that her school classmates just didn’t really click. But it’s normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been at our pk-12 for a few years now since a young age and our daughter has no close friends from school. Even when we offer to host a play date or outing, she says no. Anyone have them going on?
If so do you ask the teacher what they see going on the classroom or recess? Do you wait it out until more school ECs start? Or just chalk it up to that’s how your kid is?

Are the parents heavily involved with the social dynamics at your school? If so this can be a total nightmare. When kids are younger the parents are involved in making plans. Many have outside soccer teams for the classes etc.. inquire about those. They usually have fall and spring teams I would get on one and if there isn’t one For your school which would be very odd because every other school I know has them then offer to be the team manager for it. Yes I had to be in many volunteer rules to be involved and get my kids acclimated. It wasn’t always fun or my first choice but I did do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been at our pk-12 for a few years now since a young age and our daughter has no close friends from school. Even when we offer to host a play date or outing, she says no. Anyone have them going on?
If so do you ask the teacher what they see going on the classroom or recess? Do you wait it out until more school ECs start? Or just chalk it up to that’s how your kid is?

Are the parents heavily involved with the social dynamics at your school? If so this can be a total nightmare. When kids are younger the parents are involved in making plans. Many have outside soccer teams for the classes etc.. inquire about those. They usually have fall and spring teams I would get on one and if there isn’t one For your school which would be very odd because every other school I know has them then offer to be the team manager for it. Yes I had to be in many volunteer rules to be involved and get my kids acclimated. It wasn’t always fun or my first choice but I did do it.

I will add the spring teams are forming now

[Anonymous]

My DS has a core group of friends at school that he hangs with occasionally outside of school, but he also has a whole crew of neighborhood friends that he spends time with outside of school. He seems resistant to combine school/neighborhood friends--and he gets that from me because I prefer to segment my personal life--not combine worlds, like work/college/neighborhood friends. I know it might seem stupid or irrational, but it's my preference. I think my DS is the same.

[Anonymous]

Can you recommend somewhere for a neuropsychological evaluation? I have some similar concerns, though also wonder if I'm blowing it out of proportion.

[Anonymous]

My DD slowly developed friends in first/second grade, then they continued seeing each other outside of school, but now everyone is at a different middle school, and she is not interested in seeing her new school friends outside of school. I think it's her personality, she's more focused on activities than just seeing friends without structure.

If your DD is not feeling badly about it, then there isn't really a problem. But sometimes it's nice to have friends outside the school, like family friends or neighborhood friends or friends from the soccer team/ballet class/whatever.

[Anonymous]

Been at a school since Prek and now middle school and no good friends ever emerged. Some years she had someone to hang out with, Lately no friends. It’s so heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Can’t the school help in some way? I mean if they’re social engineering the classes different every year, can’t they help pair up likeminded girls? Or rearrange the seating more, or better? Or set the work groups themselves instead of a free-for-all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been at a school since Prek and now middle school and no good friends ever emerged. Some years she had someone to hang out with, Lately no friends. It’s so heartbreaking.

np Does your child want friends? My dd when younger always had one friend but, in middle school socialization became tougher and she was diagnosed with Autism. She's fine and in college but, she doesn't crave the friendships so it was more heartbreaking for me than her. Not saying your child has Autism but, it is a possibility Girls can mask it better until middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been at a school since Prek and now middle school and no good friends ever emerged. Some years she had someone to hang out with, Lately no friends. It’s so heartbreaking.

Some of the posts on here, this one included, are heartbreaking

I would suggest switching schools if this has gone on at some level every year for several years. If the neighborhood public school is an option, I know two moms who say their kids’ lives totally blossomed when they switched from private to public. I attribute this to there being a larger student body with a wider array of all types of people /families.

Connection to others is the foundation of good mental health.

[Anonymous]

Before you consider medication or individual therapy, consider a social skills small group therapy. Several friends of mine in DC and Arlington have kids who had trouble connecting and befriending classmates for various reasons. One girl (eventually diagnosed with ADHD) was bossy and pushy with classmates, a boy was painfully shy and didn't speak to his classmates, and another boy was aggressive and silly/ inappropriate (diagnosed with severe ADHD). My friends put them into various group sessions and reported back that their kids benefited immensely from recognizing their behavior and improving social skills/awareness and started making friends.

[Anonymous]

Is there Girl Scouts or other organized social activities groups she can join? Otherwise, maybe you can schedule to meet up with a couple moms and their kids at a park or activity (arts & crafts painting place?). You don’t have to emphasize to your child that you set it up. Just something to get the play date ball rolling.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you try to make friends with some moms in the grade to get to know the dynamic so you can help facilitate friendships. Ask a group to meet for coffee (or girl moms in the class), participate in school activities where you can chat (volunteer at the book fair or on an event committee, attend the benefit, help at a class party or in the library, etc). Moms are more likely to invite your child if they know you too.