Can’t let the idea go…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you mourning the kid who didn't come on time more than wanting a 2nd chance with these embryos.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly right I think. Thank you for articulating it so clearly.

And regarding the age gap, I have a 6 year old now, which means we're looking at a 7.5 year gap at a minimum (our last miscarriage would have given us a 6 year gap, and that's when we officially threw in the towel and got back on birth control to stop miscarrying). We gave away our baby stuff years ago and are enjoying the lifestyle of "older kid" parenting. Travel, nicer restaurants, etc. All of the stuff that people who *don't* go through infertility look forward to when they get out of the little kid years. There's zero chance of a surprise miracle pregnancy, so starting over again (if donor embryos even worked, who knows with my RPL history??) would be an intentional choice to restart the clock when we're already in the middle of the elementary school years. I know many families that gave up trying for a second when their first got too old, or regular people who chose not to continue pregnancies under those circumstances. It's really not that unique of a choice, and it's not right or wrong (or arrogant?) to exercise choice over your family size and structure. Especially after infertility takes away 99% of the choice that other families get to have. But that's the risk with infertility boards - people who are still in treatment, and people who had success after treatment, have an absolutist mindset that a baby was the goal and the circumstances would work out as long as you got a baby at the end. I did too when we were still in active treatment. My preference seems triggering for some here, so just try to understand that we all have lines for how far we're willing to go. Some won't do IVF, some won't do donor, some have a time frame for when they'll stop trying.

[Anonymous]

OP I had long term IF and got lucky with what was probably my only good egg. My son is almost 7 and amazing. I don’t want to upset our family and literally I cannot have anymore children but the pang of what if, sadness at seeing other woman pregnant, friends having larger families never totally goes away for me. I try to focus on what I do have. IF steals so much from us, life is just not fair and IF highlights that.

We have some only friends. Some have moved to adoption, some have had a second child or are still trying. Some are like us just moving forward and focusing on our only children. I wish you peace, I wish myself peace.

[Anonymous]

Families of three are unique. It's not wrong or selfish to consider the impact of fundamentally changing that dynamic for an older child who is comfortable in and happy with their family unit. When life doesn't turn out as planned there will always be lingering what-ifs. That does not mean you should act on all of those feelings. Sometimes actively practicing acceptance and finding the joy is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you mourning the kid who didn't come on time more than wanting a 2nd chance with these embryos.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly right I think. Thank you for articulating it so clearly.

And regarding the age gap, I have a 6 year old now, which means we're looking at a 7.5 year gap at a minimum (our last miscarriage would have given us a 6 year gap, and that's when we officially threw in the towel and got back on birth control to stop miscarrying). We gave away our baby stuff years ago and are enjoying the lifestyle of "older kid" parenting. Travel, nicer restaurants, etc. All of the stuff that people who *don't* go through infertility look forward to when they get out of the little kid years. There's zero chance of a surprise miracle pregnancy, so starting over again (if donor embryos even worked, who knows with my RPL history??) would be an intentional choice to restart the clock when we're already in the middle of the elementary school years. I know many families that gave up trying for a second when their first got too old, or regular people who chose not to continue pregnancies under those circumstances. It's really not that unique of a choice, and it's not right or wrong (or arrogant?) to exercise choice over your family size and structure. Especially after infertility takes away 99% of the choice that other families get to have. But that's the risk with infertility boards - people who are still in treatment, and people who had success after treatment, have an absolutist mindset that a baby was the goal and the circumstances would work out as long as you got a baby at the end. I did too when we were still in active treatment. My preference seems triggering for some here, so just try to understand that we all have lines for how far we're willing to go. Some won't do IVF, some won't do donor, some have a time frame for when they'll stop trying.

I have attracted incredibly nasty comments from the people you mention. It's them, not you.

Don't have a kid reluctantly, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I totally understand the "friend's child" concerns. But for us, if we were to do donor, that would be how we would want to do it. That family is across the country and not someone we would ever see again unless we made a specific effort. But still would have the connection for the future child, plus the enormous benefit of a totally known and open genetic and health history.

And I absolutely respect other peoples' preferences regarding the age gap. It's just not for us, though I also believe firmly that you don't need a sibling to have a happy or "normal" childhood. We'd have a second child because we the parents still want one after all of these years, not because our kid wants one or because we feel like any sibling is better than no sibling. This is all hard stuff and I sort of wish I fell in the "keep trying forever" camp, so I could just move forward and stop vacillating.

You have no way of knowing how the relationship will change once the child is actually here.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to move on.

It does not matter that your child asks about a baby sibling. They have no idea what they are talking about.

Find ways to love the life you have with 1. How easy certain things are, how calm life is now that they are a little older. Plan a trip that would suck with a toddler and take your kid.

Save money you would have spent on another child and pad your retirement so that you can take care of yourself as you age.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thanks all for replying and for your honest thoughts. (And to whomever reported that troll with three kids, yeesh.) It is helpful to hear you all say what I know to be true, that it's time to move on and it's not the right choice to have a child reluctantly. Especially an ART baby that takes intentional work to create. Sometimes the infertility and parenting communities get so caught up in the mindset that whatever effort it takes is worth it, and a child is always a worthwhile blessing. That's not untrue, but when you're talking about creating a very complicated situation through artificial technology, it's not always so straightforward either. Wishing everyone here the best - success if you're still trying, and peace and contentment if you're not.