Dad keeps asking why he's not invited to family functions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just block them. He is a user. He only wants to stay connected to be his back up for money or whatever when fourth wife is dropped. He will expect you to support him at some point never connecting that he did nothing to support you or your mother. He isn’t going to come to some grand realization that he’s a bum and become productive. Any apology, which will probably never come anyway, wouldn’t be sincere.

OP, I find your situation very interesting because we have the opposite problem.

One FIL is a life-long criminal, drug/alcohol abuser, and thief yet is welcomed into the home with open arms to include living there, watching small grandkids and being financially supported every time he sticks his hand out.

Other FIL is a hard-working, caring and careful of overstepping, yet is ignored and left out of every holiday/family gathering without recognition as a grandfather.

If you want to adopt a grandpa, I know of a good one!

[Anonymous]

Nope. Block him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. You've explained already. He's just not accepting it.

This. My FIL screamed at me two days after my dad died (in-laws happened to be staying with us when it happened, it was unexpected) because I wasn't doting on him enough. We promptly cut him off. He has since said multiple times and to anyone who will listen that he HAS NO IDEA what he did to upset us. Leave it alone. Block him. And move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Write a long letter on the computer that starts "Hi Dad, thanks for reaching out to me. Since you seem to have forgotten, here is the history of why I do not include you in my life or my children's lives..."

Print it out and send it to him. Every time he reaches out to you again and tries to wedge himself back into your lives, don't answer the call. Just print out another copy of the letter and mail it to him. Every.Time. If his Wife of the Week calls to yell at you, hang up, print out a copy and send her a copy of the letter addressed to her.

NP. Please don't do this. Also don't do what another PP suggested, which was to involve his current wife in telling him. Just -- no.

Doing things like that will only fuel his fire and keep him asking because he knows he will get SOME response from you. Even if that response is negative. Remember. OP: Negative attention is still a form of attention. Deny him ANY attention, even the minimal act of bothering to stamp and address an envelope for that pre-printed letter.

Plus, you do not want to get the current wife or any wife/girlfriend/whatever involved here. Why bring another person into the mix to add to the calls, texts, etc. coming your way? Don't fuel that fire, either.

OP, is there any chance he could ever just turn up at a family function, school event, your/spouse's workplace? Is he located close enough for that? If so, does he have the personality to go that far, and do you think he'd do it? I'd think about that and have a mental script ready (your spouse should have one too) for what you will do and say if, for instance, he turns up at a child's school play or concert, or arrives unannounced at your house, etc. You don't want to get flustered in the moment and do something that signals you're OK with his presence. think anyone would be flustered by the sudden appearance of a cut-off parent, so it's smart to consider what you would do, so you're not improvising in a stressful moment. If he lives too far away to do this, well, that's a plus for you.

[Anonymous]

Nope. But, in your place, I’d probably tell the wife something general, like: he has a long history of problematic and self-serving behavior that has negatively impacted your life, and you’re done. I wouldn’t go into details, but it would be nice to give her a reasonable explanation for your behavior that counters what he’s telling her. I would definitely ignore and block him. He either knows why — and doesn’t care, or doesn’t get it — and probably won’t. You and your children deserve better.

[Anonymous]

What was the first explanation like? You didn’t really say. Did you really explain?

If not I would write one note and then fully block.