Please help me understand what 'settling' is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Settling means marrying someone who you are not enthusiastic about marrying because you want to be married or start a family.

Frequently it is confused with realizing you are unhappy 10-15 years in because you didn't work on your relationship and it has eroded, although there is surely a venn diagram there somewhere.

I don't think settling has anything to do with looks or finances necessarily, it has to do with what is important to the person. So if that chubby loser you so clearly dislike is actually a wonderful human who she loves passionately, then she is not settling. But I do think that someone who posts long rants about not settling on social media likely has some projection issues they are covering up.

Agree with much of this. “Settling” means you’re tired of looking. For women it often means you want to start having children soon. It’s not usually about the attributes of the person you’re settling for. It’s more about where you are yourself.

The irony is that some of the people who end up “settling” for someone are the same people who criticize others for finding a life partner when they’re young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Settling means marrying someone who you are not enthusiastic about marrying because you want to be married or start a family.

Frequently it is confused with realizing you are unhappy 10-15 years in because you didn't work on your relationship and it has eroded, although there is surely a venn diagram there somewhere.

I don't think settling has anything to do with looks or finances necessarily, it has to do with what is important to the person. So if that chubby loser you so clearly dislike is actually a wonderful human who she loves passionately, then she is not settling. But I do think that someone who posts long rants about not settling on social media likely has some projection issues they are covering up.

This is what it has always meant to me.

[Anonymous]

How do you know that you settled? Specifically, if you could have done better, why didn't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the better question is, why has this triggered you?

Because the OP is bored. She hates her own life so she projects and find things to be angry about. This subject literally has nothing to do with her, yet she finds a way to interject and become angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we stop hating on MiC (Men in Communications)?

I know, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Recently , someone I follow on Instagram went on tangent about how so many of our friends are 'settling for less'. The clear implication here is that, the people she's referring to, could do better but choose not to. However, this person's current boyfriend is not attractive at all- He's in his thirties, chubby with a beer belly, albeit not a pronounced one. And appears to not be making a high income either. He works as a digital content/marketing director for some small business. For those who aren't familiar, digital marketing manager or social media manager are typically jobs that millennial women waiting for rich husbands perform or, as some of you like to say women with [i] Mrs. Degrees.

So, how does someone who's dating a demonstrably unambitious man get to tell others that they're settling? Even if you take into account the fact that, he may be faithful to her and treats her well, does this kind of person get to tell anyone that they're settling? This has been a head-scratcher for me and I'm wondering if I'm missing something .

Guy is an average looking, gainfully employed individual. But you don't mention anything about this guy's personality. Is he fun? Loving? Generous? Maybe he believes in this small business. Maybe it gives him time to do stuff he's passionate about. Look you could marry a hedge fund trader who looks like Brad Pitt, but after a while any flaws you overlooked will come to the fore. If your main relationship goal in life is marrying someone with a big paycheck and a flat stomach, well go for it, but honestly it strikes me as a bit shallow. That thin guy might get fat. He might lose his job. Then what? Love is much more than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Settling means marrying someone who you are not enthusiastic about marrying because you want to be married or start a family.

Frequently it is confused with realizing you are unhappy 10-15 years in because you didn't work on your relationship and it has eroded, although there is surely a venn diagram there somewhere.

I don't think settling has anything to do with looks or finances necessarily, it has to do with what is important to the person. So if that chubby loser you so clearly dislike is actually a wonderful human who she loves passionately, then she is not settling. But I do think that someone who posts long rants about not settling on social media likely has some projection issues they are covering up.

This is what it has always meant to me.

I married the nice guy. Sometimes I wonder if I settled. I had a lot of drama with an ex and Dh always made me feel loved and happy. We had great chemistry, wanted similar things in life and he loved me. Dh is more attractive, smarter, more successful and genuinely all around good guy. When we got married, we were both just out of grad school so I didn’t know Dh would end up being so good at what he does and would earn seven figures.

We are 20 years in and have a beautiful family. Sometimes I wonder if I settled. I wonder if Dh was a rebound. I think everyone at my wedding thought we were such a perfect couple and my moms’ friends all were drooling over Dh and his academic credentials.