If you have adult kids who live a distance away

[Anonymous]

Three of our adult kids live away from us (I’m visiting one now.) I feel close to them and we have an active family group chat. We had vacationed as a family once a year but haven’t for two years because of COVID. I admit to being jealous of friends who have all or most of their kids still in town - especially now with grandkids but I’m also proud of the lives they’ve built. We still have a much younger kid at home and my job is tied to this area. I think when we’re in a more flexible position I’d move to be closer to at least one of them especially as my own parents are gone and my FIL is 98. The ease of communication makes distance easier. FWIW my only relative growing up in this country was my grandmother and she lived in NYC/us DC. We only saw her 5-6 times a year but I never questioned that we were a close family. When she retired, she moved here and it wasn’t a dramatic change - just easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid who lives overseas (London). We see her about twice a year. I have three kids who live about 800 miles away. We see them 3-4 times a year. I have one kid that lives about an hour away. We see him maybe once a month. All five call/FaceTime/text almost daily.

We are very close to all the kids and they are close to each other. They work together to try to all be home at the sane time whenever possible. That’s always so much fun.

I’m proud of my kids for the independent, self-sufficient young adults they have become. I’m glad they didn’t move back home after college. The world is a big place. I want them to live in places that make them happy. But, I do miss them like crazy.

I don't understand this way of thinking, at least not when home is the DMV. There are lots of opportunities here, and it's not like home is a prison. Travel is a beautiful thing -- we've all done it extensively and will do it again once this virus is behind us -- but in the end there's no place like home when your family is there with you.

[Anonymous]

It is worth mentioning that at this stage of life, many couples may be in second marriages.

"Adult kids" relationships and contact levels may be very different under these circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Nothing is more pathetic than parents who keep their kids close-by, usually through guilt. Please respect your kids enough that they spread their wings and move if they need.

[Anonymous]

Haven't seen 42 yr old daughter for 2.5 years due to pandemic. Finally came, but could stay 4 days due to work. Oh, and got COVID in doing so...vaxxed and boosted. Now she has serious health issues, not COVID related btw, but serious involving long term needs, and so we literally are temporarily move there to help out. Quitting jobs to do it, too.

Yeah, Facetime and texting doesn't really cut it. Some people don't really enjoy that or feel the need to constantly text or call, but months go by. You can only send so many cute memes and anecdotes of the week. When you live closer, not necessarily in the same area, but a reasonable travel distance, sharing lives is easier to facilitate. Living a great distance apart doesn't encourage that- it fosters independence of each other in terms of general daily life, the things that kerp you connected. And then there is the odd pandemic no one considered.

But, I'm not encouraging people to not move and be independent adults. I'm just saying the "family" doesn't stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is more pathetic than parents who keep their kids close-by, usually through guilt. Please respect your kids enough that they spread their wings and move if they need.

No one is suggesting that. The question had to do with the "how"...logistics, travel, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the natural progression of parents being obsessed with prestige and career. Only the best college, only the best career, only the most impressive travel, etc. -- no matter how far away any of it is. It looks great on social media, but it sure leaves a big whole in reality. And, just when you get used to the kids being away, the grandkids arrive and you barely even get to know them.

You reap what you sew.

And when you're dying in the hospital, they're going to have a hard time getting a flight (because of COVID), so you die alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the natural progression of parents being obsessed with prestige and career. Only the best college, only the best career, only the most impressive travel, etc. -- no matter how far away any of it is. It looks great on social media, but it sure leaves a big whole in reality. And, just when you get used to the kids being away, the grandkids arrive and you barely even get to know them.

You reap what you sew.

And when you're dying in the hospital, they're going to have a hard time getting a flight (because of COVID), so you die alone.

Encountered situations like this. Child was in the military or works for the State Dept overseas, and we have to keep their family on the vent for weeks or months until they get a flight back here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the natural progression of parents being obsessed with prestige and career. Only the best college, only the best career, only the most impressive travel, etc. -- no matter how far away any of it is. It looks great on social media, but it sure leaves a big whole in reality. And, just when you get used to the kids being away, the grandkids arrive and you barely even get to know them.

You reap what you sew.

There are many reasons kids live far away- one being viable employment, not status employment, and marriage. My kid went to a state college, isn't climbing any corporate laddee, but husband's job moved them across the country. He really can't do this job anywhere but there. How about military? Hardly status seeking.
This is quite a narrow framework of judgement you've built here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid who lives overseas (London). We see her about twice a year. I have three kids who live about 800 miles away. We see them 3-4 times a year. I have one kid that lives about an hour away. We see him maybe once a month. All five call/FaceTime/text almost daily.

We are very close to all the kids and they are close to each other. They work together to try to all be home at the sane time whenever possible. That’s always so much fun.

I’m proud of my kids for the independent, self-sufficient young adults they have become. I’m glad they didn’t move back home after college. The world is a big place. I want them to live in places that make them happy. But, I do miss them like crazy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And have so for quite some time, how would you describe your relationship with them? How often do you see each other and do you talk often? What if you don't, not because you are estranged or any personal reason, but that they live so far away and your lives are not as connected, is it weird or is this supposed to be how it is?

We are across the country from our oldest. He went for school and never moved back. We have a group text, and then he and I have a private text (I assume he has this with his dad, stepdad and siblings as well). We FaceTime as a family every Sunday morning. Pre-pandemic we saw each other every other month, sometimes a little less. He and I both consider us to be very close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is more pathetic than parents who keep their kids close-by, usually through guilt. Please respect your kids enough that they spread their wings and move if they need.

Who on this thread is doing anything like that?

[Anonymous]

My MIL always told her kids to leave leave. And now she complains no one comes to see her with young kids. She has no idea since she lived 20 mins from her parents.

It can work if you like to just make a phone call and call that close. I would not live that far way from my kids. If they want to spread a little fine. But I’d be insulted if they moved to another country and we didn’t have any connection to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL always told her kids to leave leave. And now she complains no one comes to see her with young kids. She has no idea since she lived 20 mins from her parents.

It can work if you like to just make a phone call and call that close. I would not live that far way from my kids. If they want to spread a little fine. But I’d be insulted if they moved to another country and we didn’t have any connection to it.

LOL it took all the way to the end of page 2 for a poster to blame the mother-in-law. A DCUM record!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And have so for quite some time, how would you describe your relationship with them? How often do you see each other and do you talk often? What if you don't, not because you are estranged or any personal reason, but that they live so far away and your lives are not as connected, is it weird or is this supposed to be how it is?

We are across the country from our oldest. He went for school and never moved back. We have a group text, and then he and I have a private text (I assume he has this with his dad, stepdad and siblings as well). We FaceTime as a family every Sunday morning. Pre-pandemic we saw each other every other month, sometimes a little less. He and I both consider us to be very close.

Gee, I wonder we he moved all the way across the across the country from his mother and her second husband and never came back?