When your kid does not want asibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would I do?

Seek out some serious therapy to figure out why I’m considering the whims of a 4 year old when planning my family. I’d also look into working with a parenting coach.

Do you always rely on an army of therapists and coaches to figure out things?

Actually no. I was able to figure out whether to have a second kid or not without soliciting the opinion of my 4 year old. I didn’t even need to come to a parenting board. I know of no one that would actually center their family planning around the whims of a 4 year old or any child, for that matter. And I was able to figure out that 4 year olds can quickly change their feelings on things. OP seems truly unable to get this. That’s why I suggested professional help. These issues are overwhelming to OP and seem to require some specific work with a qualified professional.

[Anonymous]

Don’t base it on what she wants, base it on what you want.
That being said, my child never wanted a sibling and actively hates their little sibling even 10 years later.

[Anonymous]

I mean sure, my 4yo wants me to quit my job and be with him all day.

He wants a lot of things.

We are the adults.

[Anonymous]

It's not her decision to make

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s 4. I wouldn’t base your family planning around her phased preferences. By next year she may really want a sibling.

This.usually toddlers don’t want Babies around. Babies can’t play. They will grow to like sibling when sibling can play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 4. I wouldn’t base your family planning around her phased preferences. By next year she may really want a sibling.

This.usually toddlers don’t want Babies around. Babies can’t play. They will grow to like sibling when sibling can play.

Not this. The 4 year old should not dictate their family. Beyond weird and dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

OP if you are sure you want a second, go for it.
Tell your DD she does not need to play with baby. You could also try to get her excited about being a big sister. Make it into a big deal. How she can help change the baby, feed, bathe, pick clothes, etc.

I can’t imagine any 4 year old not getting excited about this.
My 3 kids are close in age and never had a say in how many kids we wanted. The older two (8 and 6) occasionally ask for a 4th, but we don’t want another so it’s not happening.

[Anonymous]

While I don’t think your child “gets a say”, I think its important that you, as the parent, knows how they feel about another sibling and use it to make YOUR decision.

I find so many people have these weird, idyllic ideas about how siblings should interact simply because they are borne of the same two people. So, knowing how they feel lets you set up your parenting strategy differently from the get go.

So have, or don’t have a second child FOR YOU, knowing that your first child is a completely independent person. They may or may not like having a sibling, and that’s their right as an autonomous human being. Don’t go in to it with the idea that they're going to be magical friends who play with each other for days on end, while you watch their room. Go in knowing you may have to deal with them each separately, play with each other separately, and that your oldest might feel for her whole life that the other child has “cut into” her time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are sure you want a second, go for it.
Tell your DD she does not need to play with baby. You could also try to get her excited about being a big sister. Make it into a big deal. How she can help change the baby, feed, bathe, pick clothes, etc.

I can’t imagine any 4 year old not getting excited about this.
My 3 kids are close in age and never had a say in how many kids we wanted. The older two (8 and 6) occasionally ask for a 4th, but we don’t want another so it’s not happening.

The baby is not a doll, and not all 4 year olds want dolls (or siblings). They get to not be excited, if that’s how they feel. The fact that you “can’t imagine” it doesn’t mean every child wants a sibling that they have to help care for, and divide their time up for.

[Anonymous]

That’s a big age gap. I wouldn’t expect her to be thrilled if you do have a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s a big age gap. I wouldn’t expect her to be thrilled if you do have a baby.

That’s not that big.

[Anonymous]

At that age I used to beg my parents for an “older brother.” Obviously impossible. Kids have such limited life experience and all she knows is life as an only. She’ll adapt to whatever you choose.

I’m currently pregnant and my 4 y/o is upset the baby won’t talk back to him when he screams into my belly button because 4 year olds are not logical human beings. My 7 year old wants me to have 10 babies so we can form a sports team. Good thing they’re not the ones deciding these things!

[Anonymous]

Not her choice. She may go through phases of liking or not liking the baby. You will love the baby (if you want one).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would I do?

Seek out some serious therapy to figure out why I’m considering the whims of a 4 year old when planning my family. I’d also look into working with a parenting coach.

Do you always rely on an army of therapists and coaches to figure out things?

Actually no. I was able to figure out whether to have a second kid or not without soliciting the opinion of my 4 year old. I didn’t even need to come to a parenting board. I know of no one that would actually center their family planning around the whims of a 4 year old or any child, for that matter. And I was able to figure out that 4 year olds can quickly change their feelings on things. OP seems truly unable to get this. That’s why I suggested professional help. These issues are overwhelming to OP and seem to require some specific work with a qualified professional.

Splendid. So happy you were able to procreate all by yourself. And why are you on the parenting board now if only professional help can do for you?

[Anonymous]

My 8 year old has always been adamant he wants to be an only for life. He gets overwhelmed at houses with multiple kids and regularly comes home from play dates saying, “thanks for not having another kid!”

It’s normal, op! Have another if you want one, just give your child permission to feel however she wants about it.