When your kid does not want asibling

[Anonymous]

My DD (4) does not want a baby sibling at all. All her friends have baby siblings, but DD is not impressed. She does not want to play with them and actively avoids little kids on the playground. She is never aggressive or mean to the babies and gets scared when they cry. When I gush about the babies, she gets upset and feels she has to fight for my attention. We wanted another kid, but her behavior made us pause. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

She’s 4. I wouldn’t base your family planning around her phased preferences. By next year she may really want a sibling.

[Anonymous]

What would I do?

Seek out some serious therapy to figure out why I’m considering the whims of a 4 year old when planning my family. I’d also look into working with a parenting coach.

[Anonymous]

If you want another kid, have another kid. If you didn't want a second but your 4 year old wanted a sibling, the 4 year old wouldn't get to make the decision: same principle here.

But, don't pressure her to gush over the sibling or help care for it. She has to be safe and polite; you can't force anything beyond that. My sister and I are 5 years apart and didn't ever get along until adulthood.

[Anonymous]

It’s not up to her, but why are you false advertising?

[Anonymous]

OP a 4 year old cannot for the life of them conceive of what it means to gain a sibling. If she gets a younger sibling, that sibling's babyhood will be a short blip in her life; she may never even remember it. Every sibling in the world has competed with their sibling for their parents' attention. The good news is that there is no need to pause your plans. Check out Siblings Without Rivalry and take a parenting class, if you feel you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would I do?

Seek out some serious therapy to figure out why I’m considering the whims of a 4 year old when planning my family. I’d also look into working with a parenting coach.

This. 😳

[Anonymous]

Um, your family size should have nothing to do with what a 4 yo thinks.
Mine are 4.5 years apart. When we told kid 1 that a baby sibling was on the way, she responded with “I don’t like babies” and procedes to tell us why. Oh well. That was years ago & it hasn’t been a problem aside from normal sibling spats.

[Anonymous]

Luckily she won't be 4 years old forever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would I do?

Seek out some serious therapy to figure out why I’m considering the whims of a 4 year old when planning my family. I’d also look into working with a parenting coach.

Do you always rely on an army of therapists and coaches to figure out things?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP I get it you want to consider their feelings I have a mature 4 year old that clearly said I don’t want another baby in the house I want mommy to myself only. I think it IS important to notice reactions of kids and note the “feedback” we just brought baby number two home and after being quiet and distant and cautious my son now adores baby brother and we prepped and talked about it. Go ahead with family plans and acknowledge your kids emotions and manage them they’re people too.

[Anonymous]

Stop gushing about babies in front of her. Some people are not "baby people" just like some people are not "dog people."

My DD has never babysat because she's just not into it. She held a close friend's newborn baby once, for about three minutes, and for the two hours after that we were with the friends, she never looked at let alone touched the baby. She just doesn't like kids, isn't sure she wants any. She's 19.

But if I'd wanted a second child, I'd have had one. She'd have dealt.

[Anonymous]

OP, how consistent is this opinion of hers? My DD is the same age and she will go between "when are you going to have another baby, I want a brother or sister to play with, I'm bored, you should have a baby" to "never have another baby I want to be your only baby and I hate babies" every few months. This age is for trying on ideas and seeing what flies.

If you do have a baby, definitely think about how to involve her and get her excited in her new role as big sister, though. Don't approach it as "well we know you don't want a sibling but you have to figure this out." Approach it as "we know you are going to be a great big sister and we can't wait to see you with your new sibling because this is an exciting time for you." Kids this age often just fear that a new sibling means they will be ignored. But if you do it right, it's a chance for them to get a different kind of positive attention instead. It's an important new role that comes with important new jobs like helping to change or feed the baby, show the baby cool things about the world, etc.

[Anonymous]

I actually think it's good that you're thinking about this. Our oldest wanted a baby brother but the transition was rough. Once she wailed "I shouldn't have ask-ed for a baby bwother." She was already prone to mental health issues (yes at age three) and having her time with her parents cut in half at best definitely made that worse. Her therapist confirmed this.

But you can't protect kids from hard things. They will deal with all sorts of less-than-ideal circumstances in life. And while my daughter's transition from an only to one of two was hard, she has said on multiple occasions that she loves her little brother more than anything in the world. When she is having down times, he is a huge light in her world. They are now 12 and 9 and are basically best friends.

Now that you're aware that having a sibling will be hard for you first, you can be sure that when you have another, you employ some good parenting techniques to make the transition as smooth as possible.

[Anonymous]

Once my 4-5 year old DD realized that a new baby would never turn into a playmate peer due to the age gap, she became firm and clear that she did not want a new baby in her house. Has stayed that way ever since, despite getting new baby cousins and having lots of time to get to know babies. Works for us since we’re infertile, but did help us to decide against pursuing donor eggs or adoption. She’s in elementary now and loves her family and doesn’t want to change anything about it.

You don’t have to have a second child. There are many happy children and families of three. A sibling isn’t a “gift”, it’s another person. Don’t assume she’ll be missing out in something if you stick with one. It’s a trade off and your family will be different, but you’ll gain as much as you lose with a one kid family.