How women as MILs and DILs can change this society

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the discord in this relationship is evidence that feminism is working. In mine, discord arises when my MIL has unrealistic and unfair expectations of me that are clearly grounded in internalized misogyny. I push back because of feminism. She eventually comes around because she can’t really defend her expectations without saying “well yes, I do think women have to do everything because men are somehow both too important and too helpless to do it themselves.” And then we return to a good place.

Everyone thinks conflict us bad but sometimes conflict is necessary. People with smooth relationships with their ILs don’t have conflict likely because they are in agreement about gender dynamics and family roles. That might be good (with it ILs who don’t try to enforce retrograde expectations) but it also might not (I know plenty of modern women who still basically agree that women are in charge of kids and home and family relationships). I don’t worry about it because I have the relationship I need to have with my MIL based on who we are.

Applause for both of you as one is the change as other is changing, even if reluctantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the discord in this relationship is evidence that feminism is working. In mine, discord arises when my MIL has unrealistic and unfair expectations of me that are clearly grounded in internalized misogyny. I push back because of feminism. She eventually comes around because she can’t really defend her expectations without saying “well yes, I do think women have to do everything because men are somehow both too important and too helpless to do it themselves.” And then we return to a good place.

Everyone thinks conflict us bad but sometimes conflict is necessary. People with smooth relationships with their ILs don’t have conflict likely because they are in agreement about gender dynamics and family roles. That might be good (with it ILs who don’t try to enforce retrograde expectations) but it also might not (I know plenty of modern women who still basically agree that women are in charge of kids and home and family relationships). I don’t worry about it because I have the relationship I need to have with my MIL based on who we are.

This is a great real life example of modern feminism, strong and determined but not stubborn.

+1

Some MILs live in the dark ages, or have mental illness or dementia; they may wish ill will on their DIL because the MIL had bad life experiences, or thinks the DIL is very/too different (son may have deliberately married someone opposite MIL). There is not much any DIL can do about that, and the DIL would be smart to keep their distance.

OP makes a valid point about cohesion and lack of drama needed to perpetuate the gender onward and upward, but cohesion and lack of drama is across the gender, not exclusively MIL and DIL relationships. You can say you have not seen discord between females, and that is fine, but most of us - especially those of us with active social lives, have.

[Anonymous]

The best thing feminism can’t do for the MiL v. DiL dynamic is call out patriarchy. My MiL is endlessly bent out of shape that I don’t clean up her dishes, but has no expectation that my husband or Father in Law do the same. After her third passive aggressive comment, my husband got up to wash dishes. She said “no no dear I didn’t mean I wanted you to do it”. And he responded “I know, you want my wife to do it, even though I ate as much dinner as she did and I’m your son”. Win for feminism, loss for patriarchy, even if there was “conflict”

[Anonymous]

They can band together and decide not to coddle the males in their lives, refusing to clean up their messes and do their share of family work, obligations, and emotional labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the discord in this relationship is evidence that feminism is working. In mine, discord arises when my MIL has unrealistic and unfair expectations of me that are clearly grounded in internalized misogyny. I push back because of feminism. She eventually comes around because she can’t really defend her expectations without saying “well yes, I do think women have to do everything because men are somehow both too important and too helpless to do it themselves.” And then we return to a good place.

Everyone thinks conflict us bad but sometimes conflict is necessary. People with smooth relationships with their ILs don’t have conflict likely because they are in agreement about gender dynamics and family roles. That might be good (with it ILs who don’t try to enforce retrograde expectations) but it also might not (I know plenty of modern women who still basically agree that women are in charge of kids and home and family relationships). I don’t worry about it because I have the relationship I need to have with my MIL based on who we are.

This is a great real life example of modern feminism, strong and determined but not stubborn.

+1

Some MILs live in the dark ages, or have mental illness or dementia; they may wish ill will on their DIL because the MIL had bad life experiences, or thinks the DIL is very/too different (son may have deliberately married someone opposite MIL). There is not much any DIL can do about that, and the DIL would be smart to keep their distance.

OP makes a valid point about cohesion and lack of drama needed to perpetuate the gender onward and upward, but cohesion and lack of drama is across the gender, not exclusively MIL and DIL relationships. You can say you have not seen discord between females, and that is fine, but most of us - especially those of us with active social lives, have.

Seriously why is this the DILs problem to fix?
The SON should do the fixing by intervening and doing the work to set MIL straight

This whole premise is ridiculous. It is not exclusively women’s jobs to get feminism to work . It is in fact impossible. Men must buy in strongly and advocate. Seriously op this is totally stupid. Get DHs to fix this problem and please, find a real problem. Be thankful this is your ill. Most posters here have much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the discord in this relationship is evidence that feminism is working. In mine, discord arises when my MIL has unrealistic and unfair expectations of me that are clearly grounded in internalized misogyny. I push back because of feminism. She eventually comes around because she can’t really defend her expectations without saying “well yes, I do think women have to do everything because men are somehow both too important and too helpless to do it themselves.” And then we return to a good place.

Everyone thinks conflict us bad but sometimes conflict is necessary. People with smooth relationships with their ILs don’t have conflict likely because they are in agreement about gender dynamics and family roles. That might be good (with it ILs who don’t try to enforce retrograde expectations) but it also might not (I know plenty of modern women who still basically agree that women are in charge of kids and home and family relationships). I don’t worry about it because I have the relationship I need to have with my MIL based on who we are.

This is a great real life example of modern feminism, strong and determined but not stubborn.

+1

Some MILs live in the dark ages, or have mental illness or dementia; they may wish ill will on their DIL because the MIL had bad life experiences, or thinks the DIL is very/too different (son may have deliberately married someone opposite MIL). There is not much any DIL can do about that, and the DIL would be smart to keep their distance.

OP makes a valid point about cohesion and lack of drama needed to perpetuate the gender onward and upward, but cohesion and lack of drama is across the gender, not exclusively MIL and DIL relationships. You can say you have not seen discord between females, and that is fine, but most of us - especially those of us with active social lives, have.

Seriously why is this the DILs problem to fix?
The SON should do the fixing by intervening and doing the work to set MIL straight

This whole premise is ridiculous. It is not exclusively women’s jobs to get feminism to work . It is in fact impossible. Men must buy in strongly and advocate. Seriously op this is totally stupid. Get DHs to fix this problem and please, find a real problem. Be thankful this is your ill. Most posters here have much worse.

I’m the original PP here and I agree with you. But I also don’t think you can be totally passive as a DIL. It’s just not realistic. My DH absolutely stands up to his mom. But he also sometimes doesn’t recognize what’s happening because he’s not attuned to certain things. Like once my ILs made this huge show of showing me a thank you note their niece had sent them for something they had sent her kids. It was like a 10 minute production and it was 100% directed at me— they were handing me the card and talking about how thoughtful she is and how thrilled they were to receive this. My DH had no idea. He was like “they just have boring lives and get excited about mail.” But I knew what it was.

So of course over the years they have gotten more annoyed that “we” don’t send thank you notes for things. And I’ve had to explain to my DH that if he doesn’t want to send the notes, that’s up to him (I’m not going to make him, not my job) but then he has to deal with their BS. When they bring up thank you notes, I tell them to talk to their son, and then return to my reading. I have pointedly said “oh, I always send thank you notes to my family” and my MIL will get offended and say that’s weird because they never get them. And I’ll say “well maybe if your son sent thank yous to my family, I’d send you some!” But he won’t because they didn’t raise him to do these things, and expected his future wife to take in that labor. It’s on them.

Is it annoying I have to explain this to both my DH and his family? Sure. But if I don’t, they won’t learn. I’d rather do the emotional labor if educating them on how unfair and sexist their behavior is than spending my time fulfilling their ridiculous misogynist expectations. Some people would choose not to marry into a family like this at all (which might mean not marrying, because so many people are like this). I make my choices and I’m happy with them. I raise my own kids differently. My options are somewhat constrained.