dealing with unsucessful IVF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP, I have been there - years of infertility, loss, and failed IVF. I wish I had known going in that it's a numbers game, however if you keep going there will eventually be success somehow. I think for mental health it is definitely important to take a break and have some months off where you don't think about IVF. It is all-consuming, so it's good to get out of that bubble, distract with other things, then come back when ready.

How many rounds of IVF have you done, how many transfers? I think next steps all depend on that too. Wishing you all the best!

Have you never met someone childless not by choice? This is simply not true and harmful to women that did everything (treatment, donor, adoption) and never got lucky. Have some awareness, PP.

Most of us who fail just don't post anywhere about it, because so few people want to hear that some of us don't succeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP, I have been there - years of infertility, loss, and failed IVF. I wish I had known going in that it's a numbers game, however if you keep going there will eventually be success somehow. I think for mental health it is definitely important to take a break and have some months off where you don't think about IVF. It is all-consuming, so it's good to get out of that bubble, distract with other things, then come back when ready.

How many rounds of IVF have you done, how many transfers? I think next steps all depend on that too. Wishing you all the best!

Have you never met someone childless not by choice? This is simply not true and harmful to women that did everything (treatment, donor, adoption) and never got lucky. Have some awareness, PP.

Most of us who fail just don't post anywhere about it, because so few people want to hear that some of us don't succeed.

I thought that "there would eventually be success somehow" and when I was still childless after nearly ten years and hundreds of thousands of dollars, my despair wasn't so much at not being a mother but at what I thought was being an inexplicable failure. I thought that if I tried hard enough, waited long enough, spent enough money, tried everything, I WOULD be a mother. That's what I was told by people like you. I honestly could not believe that there were other women like me. Because people like you make it such that in addition to the grief and loss we feel, we feel like such freaks that we just slink away quietly and never talk about it.

I can't even tell you how damaging and hurtful the "eventually there will be success" message is, both to women trying and to women who tried and failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP, I have been there - years of infertility, loss, and failed IVF. I wish I had known going in that it's a numbers game, however if you keep going there will eventually be success somehow. I think for mental health it is definitely important to take a break and have some months off where you don't think about IVF. It is all-consuming, so it's good to get out of that bubble, distract with other things, then come back when ready.

How many rounds of IVF have you done, how many transfers? I think next steps all depend on that too. Wishing you all the best!

Have you never met someone childless not by choice? This is simply not true and harmful to women that did everything (treatment, donor, adoption) and never got lucky. Have some awareness, PP.

Most of us who fail just don't post anywhere about it, because so few people want to hear that some of us don't succeed.

I thought that "there would eventually be success somehow" and when I was still childless after nearly ten years and hundreds of thousands of dollars, my despair wasn't so much at not being a mother but at what I thought was being an inexplicable failure. I thought that if I tried hard enough, waited long enough, spent enough money, tried everything, I WOULD be a mother. That's what I was told by people like you. I honestly could not believe that there were other women like me. Because people like you make it such that in addition to the grief and loss we feel, we feel like such freaks that we just slink away quietly and never talk about it.

I can't even tell you how damaging and hurtful the "eventually there will be success" message is, both to women trying and to women who tried and failed.

Completely Agree. For many people IVF never works.

Fortunately I knew that these BS platitudes meant nothing and looked into all alternative paths. Ex surrogacy, adoption, embryo adoption, etc and ultimately created my family using another route. This would not have been possible if I had kept wasting time and money on IVF.

OP, my advice is to set a boundary for when it’s time to move on to other options. Please understand that for many people IVF just does not work. Do not listen to people who say otherwise. Hope is not a strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP, I have been there - years of infertility, loss, and failed IVF. I wish I had known going in that it's a numbers game, however if you keep going there will eventually be success somehow. I think for mental health it is definitely important to take a break and have some months off where you don't think about IVF. It is all-consuming, so it's good to get out of that bubble, distract with other things, then come back when ready.

How many rounds of IVF have you done, how many transfers? I think next steps all depend on that too. Wishing you all the best!

Have you never met someone childless not by choice? This is simply not true and harmful to women that did everything (treatment, donor, adoption) and never got lucky. Have some awareness, PP.

Most of us who fail just don't post anywhere about it, because so few people want to hear that some of us don't succeed.

I thought that "there would eventually be success somehow" and when I was still childless after nearly ten years and hundreds of thousands of dollars, my despair wasn't so much at not being a mother but at what I thought was being an inexplicable failure. I thought that if I tried hard enough, waited long enough, spent enough money, tried everything, I WOULD be a mother. That's what I was told by people like you. I honestly could not believe that there were other women like me. Because people like you make it such that in addition to the grief and loss we feel, we feel like such freaks that we just slink away quietly and never talk about it.

I can't even tell you how damaging and hurtful the "eventually there will be success" message is, both to women trying and to women who tried and failed.

Completely Agree. For many people IVF never works.

Fortunately I knew that these BS platitudes meant nothing and looked into all alternative paths. Ex surrogacy, adoption, embryo adoption, etc and ultimately created my family using another route. This would not have been possible if I had kept wasting time and money on IVF.

OP, my advice is to set a boundary for when it’s time to move on to other options. Please understand that for many people IVF just does not work. Do not listen to people who say otherwise. Hope is not a strategy.

PP here-- I was open to alternative paths too, and used a surrogate for my final FET. She unfortunately miscarried. I was looking into donor eggs when Covid started. Now I'm 46 and have made peace with not being a mother. The problem is that posts like the "eventually there will be success" PP's is that, hard as I tried, they make me feel like I still didn't try hard enough. If only I'd pursued through Covid, found an egg donor, found another surrogate. If I wasn't 44 when my surrogate miscarried and if Covid hadn't started, maybe I'd have kept on. I just don't know. Sometimes persevering for even decades work. Sometimes it doesn't. The thing is that the ones who tried and tried but still failed don't talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP, I have been there - years of infertility, loss, and failed IVF. I wish I had known going in that it's a numbers game, however if you keep going there will eventually be success somehow. I think for mental health it is definitely important to take a break and have some months off where you don't think about IVF. It is all-consuming, so it's good to get out of that bubble, distract with other things, then come back when ready.

How many rounds of IVF have you done, how many transfers? I think next steps all depend on that too. Wishing you all the best!

Have you never met someone childless not by choice? This is simply not true and harmful to women that did everything (treatment, donor, adoption) and never got lucky. Have some awareness, PP.

Most of us who fail just don't post anywhere about it, because so few people want to hear that some of us don't succeed.

I thought that "there would eventually be success somehow" and when I was still childless after nearly ten years and hundreds of thousands of dollars, my despair wasn't so much at not being a mother but at what I thought was being an inexplicable failure. I thought that if I tried hard enough, waited long enough, spent enough money, tried everything, I WOULD be a mother. That's what I was told by people like you. I honestly could not believe that there were other women like me. Because people like you make it such that in addition to the grief and loss we feel, we feel like such freaks that we just slink away quietly and never talk about it.

I can't even tell you how damaging and hurtful the "eventually there will be success" message is, both to women trying and to women who tried and failed.

Completely Agree. For many people IVF never works.

Fortunately I knew that these BS platitudes meant nothing and looked into all alternative paths. Ex surrogacy, adoption, embryo adoption, etc and ultimately created my family using another route. This would not have been possible if I had kept wasting time and money on IVF.

OP, my advice is to set a boundary for when it’s time to move on to other options. Please understand that for many people IVF just does not work. Do not listen to people who say otherwise. Hope is not a strategy.

You know those “alternative paths” aren’t always guaranteed either, right? And sometimes people run out before they can exhaust every alternative. Run out of time, money, partner support, emotional bandwidth to deal with more failure. But yes, 100% agree that hope is not a strategy.

[Anonymous]

My only tip after experiencing loss for five straight years is to find a support network of women who are in the same boat as you. I found talking openly about what I was going through helped me along my journey. An acquaintance even became one of my closest friends as we lived parallel lives and leaned on one another for support. She showed up with my favorite meals after one of my many failed cycles and supported me in a way my husband couldn’t. It is all so exhausting, disappointing, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

[Anonymous]

Some of us indeed have fertility journeys that are much longer than we could have ever imagined with more disappointment, pregnancy losses, and money spent than we would have thought. In addition to the good advice so far, what has helped us has been a wonderful therapist. After every failed cycle, our therapist helped us as we decided what to do next. She also helped us cope with the disappointment that you mentioned you're struggling with. It's so hard, OP, but I'm wishing you all the best.