Tips or script for telling extended family DC is trans and has a new name and pronouns . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would make this DC’s issue and DC’s problem to address. One of the consequences of going this route is having to explain it to people. Not your responsibility

+100. Welcome to the real world. Actions have consequences.

As the mom of a kid who is gender nonconforming, I find these comments disgusting. Especially on a board geared towards mothering. What kind of “mother” thinks like this?

OP - Talk to your child first. Find out what they want. Then decide how to move forward. It should not be a surprise. Maybe a phone call or an email. Again, let your kid steer this.

As a mom, it is your job to protect your child. That means determining who might make cruel, hurtful, transphobic comments. You don’t spend time with those people anymore. You put your child above them. Make it clear that you will not be a part of their lives until they demonstrate the ability to be compassionate, accepting adults. They don’t have to agree with your child’s choices. But they damn well better be kind. That means using their preferred name and pronouns. People slip up. That’s ok. It’s the intent that tells you what kind of people they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I would make this DC’s issue and DC’s problem to address. One of the consequences of going this route is having to explain it to people. Not your responsibility

Agree. That’s how we approached with our teen. If you’re going to go the gender identity route, have the guts to tell people yourself. We are not here to do it for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would make this DC’s issue and DC’s problem to address. One of the consequences of going this route is having to explain it to people. Not your responsibility

Agree. That’s how we approached with our teen. If you’re going to go the gender identity route, have the guts to tell people yourself. We are not here to do it for you.

PO again. And for all those who worry about support, we are supporting our teen. I personally think it’s a misguided phase exacerbated by mental health issues and social media pressures, but I’m not telling my teen that and am supporting them and loving them as they work through their issues. Our relationship is strong.

But just as I can support my child in school without doing their homework for them, I can support my child’s gender choices without telling grandma for them. This is something they’re adult enough to handle on their own, so they should. If they’re mature enough to post extensively about their new identity on TikTok, demand that we file paperwork with the school to change their name, and tell me how they plan to get gender reassignment surgery when they’re in college, then they’re mature enough to explain it to grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would make this DC’s issue and DC’s problem to address. One of the consequences of going this route is having to explain it to people. Not your responsibility

Agree. That’s how we approached with our teen. If you’re going to go the gender identity route, have the guts to tell people yourself. We are not here to do it for you.

PO again. And for all those who worry about support, we are supporting our teen. I personally think it’s a misguided phase exacerbated by mental health issues and social media pressures, but I’m not telling my teen that and am supporting them and loving them as they work through their issues. Our relationship is strong.

But just as I can support my child in school without doing their homework for them, I can support my child’s gender choices without telling grandma for them. This is something they’re adult enough to handle on their own, so they should. If they’re mature enough to post extensively about their new identity on TikTok, demand that we file paperwork with the school to change their name, and tell me how they plan to get gender reassignment surgery when they’re in college, then they’re mature enough to explain it to grandma.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both sent text messages to our families. He went into more detail than I did, anticipating questions people would have and answering them.

It has been so great. His family is religious and believes in strict gender roles, and they are all doing their best to use appropriate pronouns and they all use DC’s chosen name. In fact sometimes they gently correct each other. My BIL called my husband and expressed dismay about it, but everybody else has been nothing but supportive and nobody has given our kid crap about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both sent text messages to our families. He went into more detail than I did, anticipating questions people would have and answering them.

It has been so great. His family is religious and believes in strict gender roles, and they are all doing their best to use appropriate pronouns and they all use DC’s chosen name. In fact sometimes they gently correct each other. My BIL called my husband and expressed dismay about it, but everybody else has been nothing but supportive and nobody has given our kid crap about it.

Honest question: do YOU believe in strict gender rules too? Some do. I'm not flaming you, just wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would make this DC’s issue and DC’s problem to address. One of the consequences of going this route is having to explain it to people. Not your responsibility

+100. Welcome to the real world. Actions have consequences.

Absolutely. “Zhey” can handle it by “zheyselves.” If you can’t face the shame of explaining what you’re up to, then maybe it’s time to desist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would make this DC’s issue and DC’s problem to address. One of the consequences of going this route is having to explain it to people. Not your responsibility

+100. Welcome to the real world. Actions have consequences.

As the mom of a kid who is gender nonconforming, I find these comments disgusting. Especially on a board geared towards mothering. What kind of “mother” thinks like this?

OP - Talk to your child first. Find out what they want. Then decide how to move forward. It should not be a surprise. Maybe a phone call or an email. Again, let your kid steer this.

As a mom, it is your job to protect your child. That means determining who might make cruel, hurtful, transphobic comments. You don’t spend time with those people anymore. You put your child above them. Make it clear that you will not be a part of their lives until they demonstrate the ability to be compassionate, accepting adults. They don’t have to agree with your child’s choices. But they damn well better be kind. That means using their preferred name and pronouns. People slip up. That’s ok. It’s the intent that tells you what kind of people they are.

You seem not to understand that it’s also your job to set boundaries and say no. Going along with whatever your child can devise isn’t parenting; it’s laziness. Shielding your child from natural consequences is even worse. You’re dropping the ball big time and need to be quiet while good parents talk.

[Anonymous]

That is tough if there has been no inkling this is coming. The few trans families I know have kids who have shown a stubborn determination for years before parents declared them trans and they changed names. The build up from a young age helps make it less of a surprise and more of a formality. Kids discovering they are trans as tweens/teens have a lot of doubt from their community that they are in a phase. I would approach others assuming they'll have this mentality. With some difficult relatives it may be best not to announce anything at all until necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would make this DC’s issue and DC’s problem to address. One of the consequences of going this route is having to explain it to people. Not your responsibility

Agree. That’s how we approached with our teen. If you’re going to go the gender identity route, have the guts to tell people yourself. We are not here to do it for you.

PO again. And for all those who worry about support, we are supporting our teen. I personally think it’s a misguided phase exacerbated by mental health issues and social media pressures, but I’m not telling my teen that and am supporting them and loving them as they work through their issues. Our relationship is strong.

But just as I can support my child in school without doing their homework for them, I can support my child’s gender choices without telling grandma for them. This is something they’re adult enough to handle on their own, so they should. If they’re mature enough to post extensively about their new identity on TikTok, demand that we file paperwork with the school to change their name, and tell me how they plan to get gender reassignment surgery when they’re in college, then they’re mature enough to explain it to grandma.

^^Hot damn! I wish there were more parents like you. Bravo mom!

[NP with no dog in this fight]