When did you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two sons and one of them has always seemed to be to be queer (if I had to guess, nonbinary or gay). I am a pretty boring straight lady who got married young to my college sweetheart, etc. I am supportive of LGBTQ+ rights but I just don’t feel like I “get” what that experience is like.

If you are queer, what age did you know that about your identity? What do you wish your parents had done to support you?

If you are a parent, what age did you know or suspect that your child was queer? Did you do anything differently as a parent in response to this aspect of your child’s identity?

My son is six and I suspect he will be cis and gay as an adult. We read books where the knight finds his prince, try to meet LGBT families without being weird/aggressive about it, and say “your boyfriend or girlfriend” when talking about the future. Don’t know if that’s enough - ask him in 30 years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Queer is used to describe anything as not-straight which is why a lot of younger people use it. This generations isn't as big of fan of labels and queer seems more all encompassing.

Bit ironic given that they seem to use labels far more than any previous generations.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t realize until I was nearly 20, but in retrospect I knew earlier. First vibes probably in high school, but I was clueless and didn’t put the pieces together. DH is positive that he knew by the time he was 2 or 3.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I hadn’t been on DCUM for a bit so I am just now checking in. Interesting to hear the different perspectives on the topic and on terminology.

My main takeaway is to just make sure we are keeping our language and perspective open as a family so that DS grows up knowing that wherever he lands identity-wise, he will still fit within our family. We try to do that now but it’s a good reminder. I am lucky that his dad is not homophobic at all, but still probably good to talk about how this should be a priority for our family.

[Anonymous]

I know about a lot of people who come out in their 40's and 50's. So why do they wait so long if they know at such an early age? They ruin lives and mess up kids when the marry and then come out later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know about a lot of people who come out in their 40's and 50's. So why do they wait so long if they know at such an early age? They ruin lives and mess up kids when the marry and then come out later.

In this very thread you can read multiple people say that they didn’t know until adulthood. If they are 50 right now, in 2021, then they were born in 1971, being gay was probably illegal where they lived and certainly very taboo, to the point that they may not even know that such a thing existed. In their teens and twenties, at the height of the AIDS crisis, they were seeing gay men in particular dying in droves on the evening news, alongside prominent politicians and wide swaths of religious leadership saying that these deaths were deserved because these people CHOSE to be gay. So it seems pretty reasonable to me to try to choose NOT to be gay. To choose to marry someone of the opposite sex and have kids. Sure they were miserable, but at least they weren’t gay.

Then suddenly when they are in their late 30’s-40’s, the culture dramatically changes over the course of only 15 years. Gay people are allowed to be gay, marry, attend church and otherwise be part of the larger community. They are allowed to exist and even be happy! And suddenly all that misery doesn’t seem like the best or only choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know about a lot of people who come out in their 40's and 50's. So why do they wait so long if they know at such an early age? They ruin lives and mess up kids when the marry and then come out later.

In this very thread you can read multiple people say that they didn’t know until adulthood. If they are 50 right now, in 2021, then they were born in 1971, being gay was probably illegal where they lived and certainly very taboo, to the point that they may not even know that such a thing existed. In their teens and twenties, at the height of the AIDS crisis, they were seeing gay men in particular dying in droves on the evening news, alongside prominent politicians and wide swaths of religious leadership saying that these deaths were deserved because these people CHOSE to be gay. So it seems pretty reasonable to me to try to choose NOT to be gay. To choose to marry someone of the opposite sex and have kids. Sure they were miserable, but at least they weren’t gay.

Then suddenly when they are in their late 30’s-40’s, the culture dramatically changes over the course of only 15 years. Gay people are allowed to be gay, marry, attend church and otherwise be part of the larger community. They are allowed to exist and even be happy! And suddenly all that misery doesn’t seem like the best or only choice.

So true. Thanks for writing that up.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know when I knew my son was gay, but it didn’t surprise me when he came out at 12. He says he knew around 9 or 10.

Also, he’s 16 and uses the word queer, but I wouldn’t use it to describe him. I see it as a word for the LGBTQ+ community to reclaim/use—or not—as they see fit.

[Anonymous]

I was 20 although in retrospect it was obvious; I was just clueless dh swears he knew when he was in preschool. Age 3 if you insist he put a number on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m lesbian. Knew I was different from other girls at age 7. Started thinking I was lesbian at age 11. Pushed the thoughts away and finally started to accept it at 16, came out at 18.

My parents had no idea at any point.

Also +1 against the word queer, it is a slur. You can get the idea across saying “not straight” or “LGBT.” I know you’re just trying to do your best and all this terminology is confusing, but it’s really just woke straight people that like the word queer but actual gay people cringe at it.

The middle and high school kids use “queer” on a regular basis to describe themselves and their friend groups. Could it be a generational shift in the vernacular? I’m aware it was a derogatory term used to degrade gays in the 80s.

It's a political-ideological term, not a generational term. Conservative or moderate gays/lesbians aren't going to welcome the queer label. Progressive left wing gays/lesbians? Sure. Odds are pretty good you're only speaking from experience with a certain bubble.

I can tell from the apps and activists promotional materials what young gay people (early twenties, late teens) who use the queer term are like. Think multiple piercings, dyed/butch haircuts, calling themselves "pan" or "non binary" labels. It is never the clean cut, normal looking people.

Bi-woman here :3

If they didn't add the "normal" part, I'd view this neutrally. I can't help but notice that this person is adding politics to a discussion on self-identification. I'd argue that more conservative people would be keen to use the term "queer" because of the majority of conservatives being old-fashioned and wanting to be 'traditional' or "normal" as this person calls it. While the younger generations of conservatives learn to use the same vernacular from the older generations and deem it fitting. Either way, it is becoming an agenda for some folks to 're-claim' slurs. Personally, I rather not, but to each their own. /serious

As for coming out, I came out as bi to my friends when I was 17 and it took me a while to come to terms that I might not be as attracted to guys as I claimed to be. My parents found out through arguments, and they seem slightly bothered by it but pretend I'm not gay ig? idk, whenever topics include LGBTQ members the conversation goes sour. They say they're not used to it, and sometimes try to do learning on their own, but not even a fifth of the research the OP did. A big round of applause to you for that, not many have a s much patience or interest in learning./g I wasn't particularly girly, but I did have the phase of getting giddy around a good-looking guy without any action actually happening, but that could just be due to the 'hetero-normativity' placed on me from a young age. Watching movies where girls get excited over boys for seemingly no reason besides the fact that they're boys, only ever seeing heterosexual relationships displayed, and so forth. So maybe it was artificial feelings, but I still 'felt' them, I just couldn't explain why. I do remember picking out my crushes in middle school though, looking at the boys in my grade and seeing which was most popular or was getting crushed on by my peers. Someone that no one would question if they asked who my crush was.

I was definitely curious about homosexual relationships having grown up in a conservative/protective household, but I never really thought to myself that I liked girls. It wasn't until I was asked more and more in high school, simply because I didn't really dress for school. I wore sporty clothing for comfort and for it's bagginess. I had and still do have issues with my body, but once I was in comfy clothes I didn't worry about it much. Just the stereotypes, you know. I got called a "dyke" and was told that it'd be better if I was a guy, so.... yeah. Either way, by 18 I knew I wasn't straight because I would've had a guy to gush over in high school, instead I was just chilling and getting nervous around pretty girls from time to time. I used the excuse that I just didn't find any of the boys at my school attractive, and if they were, I just wasn't attracted to them. haha, ah well, I still got a ways to go, but for now bi feels pretty broad so I can wander with my sexuality still, sometimes I just say I'm aromatic or ace to avoid giving people false hope. It makes life a bit easier when they listen.

[Anonymous]

It was a long discovery period for me to accept that I am a gay man. Dated women in high school and college. But found I was not motivated to do so. Just didn't want to play the game. After college, realized I liked gay porn and one day, got the courage to go to a gay bar. Felt a new world opening where I could meet men also attracted to other men. Was about 25. Eventually found another man who was also closeted and going through the same thing as me. Never expected to fall in love with him. So just before turning 28 came to the realization there was no turning back. I knew I was gay and had no option with controlling it.

[Anonymous]

So the word "queer" was originally used as a derogatory slur. This was later reclaimed by the LGBTQIA+ community and for a while, they could use it, respectfully of course, but not others not in the community. It has been a long time and many people outside of the community use it without those in the community feeling offended. Some people in the community prefer it not to be used around them, but some don't mind. It is respectful to not use words that people don't like around them. There are also words such as "genderqueer" that incorporate the word to describe their identity.

This next part is an opinion: However, if a person uncomfortable with that word comes across a post on a forum that used that word and feels offended or uncomfortable, they should just leave and not interact with the post.
this post is serious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was a long discovery period for me to accept that I am a gay man. Dated women in high school and college. But found I was not motivated to do so. Just didn't want to play the game. After college, realized I liked gay porn and one day, got the courage to go to a gay bar. Felt a new world opening where I could meet men also attracted to other men. Was about 25. Eventually found another man who was also closeted and going through the same thing as me. Never expected to fall in love with him. So just before turning 28 came to the realization there was no turning back. I knew I was gay and had no option with controlling it.

So you like physical sex only. Got it

[Anonymous]

I thought the Q in LGBTQ…. Was “queer” ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was a long discovery period for me to accept that I am a gay man. Dated women in high school and college. But found I was not motivated to do so. Just didn't want to play the game. After college, realized I liked gay porn and one day, got the courage to go to a gay bar. Felt a new world opening where I could meet men also attracted to other men. Was about 25. Eventually found another man who was also closeted and going through the same thing as me. Never expected to fall in love with him. So just before turning 28 came to the realization there was no turning back. I knew I was gay and had no option with controlling it.

Oh wow, I'm so sorry you were in denial and closeted for so long.