When did you know?

[Anonymous]

I have two sons and one of them has always seemed to be to be queer (if I had to guess, nonbinary or gay). I am a pretty boring straight lady who got married young to my college sweetheart, etc. I am supportive of LGBTQ+ rights but I just don’t feel like I “get” what that experience is like.

If you are queer, what age did you know that about your identity? What do you wish your parents had done to support you?

If you are a parent, what age did you know or suspect that your child was queer? Did you do anything differently as a parent in response to this aspect of your child’s identity?

[Anonymous]

I think gay is a better word than queer.

[Anonymous]

I'd say high school, 16/17. Looking back, I think I definitely felt different in middle school, but had no idea why. I don't think I even knew being gay was an option. I was very sheltered and in Catholic school. I definitely had words for it in college, but suppressed it and came out at 24.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think gay is a better word than queer.

I am sorry if I am using the wrong terminology. My understanding from the way my irl LGBTQ+ friends (a gay couple, a lesbian couple, a nonbinary friend and a bisexual friend) use the term “queer” is that is a brief way of saying they are a member of that community without listing all the permutations. So when I described my son that way, I just mean that I don’t know his identity yet but I strongly suspect he is not a cisgender straight person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say high school, 16/17. Looking back, I think I definitely felt different in middle school, but had no idea why. I don't think I even knew being gay was an option. I was very sheltered and in Catholic school. I definitely had words for it in college, but suppressed it and came out at 24.

Thank you for this. It sounds like the lesson for me as a parent to take from your experience is to normalize different gender presentations and sexualities, does that ring true? So that both my kids can see that whatever feels right is an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am supportive of LGBTQ+ rights but I just don’t feel like I “get” what that experience is like.

It’s pretty easy to understand. Gay people are normal people but they are attracted to the same gender. The feelings and attraction you have towards men would be the same thing a gay man would feel towards men. Don’t try to push him to figure it out earlier than he’s ready to, just make sure he knows that you will love, support, and stand with him no matter who he is or turns out to be in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am supportive of LGBTQ+ rights but I just don’t feel like I “get” what that experience is like.

It’s pretty easy to understand. Gay people are normal people but they are attracted to the same gender. The feelings and attraction you have towards men would be the same thing a gay man would feel towards men. Don’t try to push him to figure it out earlier than he’s ready to, just make sure he knows that you will love, support, and stand with him no matter who he is or turns out to be in life.

Thank you. My son is such a special and sensitive boy and I just always want him to feel safe and loved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think gay is a better word than queer.

And I prefer queer. I’m sure OP’s son will tell her when he figures out what he prefers.

OP, the best thing my parents did was be totally chill about it. My mother’s best friend is a lesbian so when I was a tween she always conscientiously referred to my potential future partner as “man or woman” “boyfriend or girlfriend” etc. I really appreciate never having had to go through some kind of gut-churning coming out experience with my family. Even so, I didn’t feel comfortable identifying as anything but straight until my late teens (largely because I wasn’t repelled by boys so it felt weird to claim another identity). In retrospect, I definitely had more crushes on girls and non binary folks in middle/high school that I was fully conscious of.

It sounds like you’ve doing great OP to give him space and education and acceptance! Wishing you and your family the best!

[Anonymous]

I guessed my son was probably not straight when he was two or three years old--based on how he expressed himself, his choices for dress up and other play, and his overall interests. Those "hints" ebbed and flowed over the years, and in high school he told us he identified as bi. The number one thing I did to support my son was to clue in and prepare my semi-homophobic husband--to purge certain phrases from his vocabulary, for instance. I'm glad we had a long time! And I (eventually we) have been gender neutral in discussing future partners, have a lot of LGBTQ friends, attend an LGBTQ-friendly church, and have been completely supportive in his first few dating experiences (very much curtailed by Covid).

[Anonymous]

I'm gay. I don't call myself queer, nor do many gay men I know. Queer has very strong political tones associated with it, it's a progressive activist term. Gays who call themselves queer often have more in common with their straight "queer allies" than they do with other gays or lesbians.

When did I know? Oh, pretty early on. Definitely by 4th/5th grade I already knew I wasn't going to have the attractions to females that my male classmates took for granted. There was this whole cultural expectations surrounding gender relationships that seemed innate to others, even if they also knew they weren't ready for it yet. But I somehow knew I was outside it. And I was a very conventional boy by all appearances, not your stereotypical campy gay kid.

[Anonymous]

I’m lesbian. Knew I was different from other girls at age 7. Started thinking I was lesbian at age 11. Pushed the thoughts away and finally started to accept it at 16, came out at 18.

My parents had no idea at any point.

Also +1 against the word queer, it is a slur. You can get the idea across saying “not straight” or “LGBT.” I know you’re just trying to do your best and all this terminology is confusing, but it’s really just woke straight people that like the word queer but actual gay people cringe at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m lesbian. Knew I was different from other girls at age 7. Started thinking I was lesbian at age 11. Pushed the thoughts away and finally started to accept it at 16, came out at 18.

My parents had no idea at any point.

Also +1 against the word queer, it is a slur. You can get the idea across saying “not straight” or “LGBT.” I know you’re just trying to do your best and all this terminology is confusing, but it’s really just woke straight people that like the word queer but actual gay people cringe at it.

The middle and high school kids use “queer” on a regular basis to describe themselves and their friend groups. Could it be a generational shift in the vernacular? I’m aware it was a derogatory term used to degrade gays in the 80s.

[Anonymous]

Lesbian here -

I self identified at 19y. Before that, I just thought I hadn't found a boy I had clicked with and desperately wanting to find him. It was like a lightening bolt at 19y that I wasn't looking for a boyfriend...but a girlfriend. It wasn't even about sexual attraction per se. I had had crushes on girls in college, but had no way to identify that was what I was feeling - this was the late 80s/early 90s in the deep south and I didn't know of a single out gay person - I just wanted to be around these girls/women all the time. I envisioned living next door to each other and building a life together.

Once I figured it out, it took a long time to come to terms with it and tell people. I finally came out to friends/family around 24y, met my now wife at 25y, and got married at 28y. We've been married 19y now.

My family could have been better. They were totally caught out of left field - though my complete lack/uninterest in boyfriends should have been a clue! I was a very girly girl. There was a lot of "you are doing this to hurt us" and "what did we do wrong" and "you are going to end up as a fat dyke" (that one isn't too far from the truth!) It got better. We had kids and the grandchildren softened them. We just really don't discuss it and I am sure if they had their way, I would be with a man.

Good luck to your family. I see a lot more out teens these days. My own kids have several friends who have come out either about their sexuality or gender identity - and in this area it doesn't seem to be such a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m lesbian. Knew I was different from other girls at age 7. Started thinking I was lesbian at age 11. Pushed the thoughts away and finally started to accept it at 16, came out at 18.

My parents had no idea at any point.

Also +1 against the word queer, it is a slur. You can get the idea across saying “not straight” or “LGBT.” I know you’re just trying to do your best and all this terminology is confusing, but it’s really just woke straight people that like the word queer but actual gay people cringe at it.

The middle and high school kids use “queer” on a regular basis to describe themselves and their friend groups. Could it be a generational shift in the vernacular? I’m aware it was a derogatory term used to degrade gays in the 80s.

It's a political-ideological term, not a generational term. Conservative or moderate gays/lesbians aren't going to welcome the queer label. Progressive left wing gays/lesbians? Sure. Odds are pretty good you're only speaking from experience with a certain bubble.

I can tell from the apps and activists promotional materials what young gay people (early twenties, late teens) who use the queer term are like. Think multiple piercings, dyed/butch haircuts, calling themselves "pan" or "non binary" labels. It is never the clean cut, normal looking people.

[Anonymous]

Queer is used to describe anything as not-straight which is why a lot of younger people use it. This generations isn't as big of fan of labels and queer seems more all encompassing.