How to tell if friend has BPD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the useful responses. It is true that I have found myself in a codependent relationship with my friend. I am in therapy and have been thinking a lot about it. The reason for trying to offer some specifics about the friend is to clarify the dynamic. You are all correct that I worded it as a “help me diagnose this”; it isn’t really pertinent what the diagnosis is, though. It’s just the level of issue (the suicidal stuff, the drug use, for examples) that I’m trying to get across. So when I try to express boundaries there has been blowback that is very scary. I just don’t know if others have had success in these types of scenarios when trying to become not codependent. Like if you express a boundary and your friend winds up in a ditch, what do you do? I know I’m supposed to not take ownership but how do you navigate this?

You don't. She should remind you of the old fable of the rattlesnake who asks a person to help it stay warm by tucking it under the coat. The snake proceeds to sink its fangs in the person who was kind to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the useful responses. It is true that I have found myself in a codependent relationship with my friend. I am in therapy and have been thinking a lot about it. The reason for trying to offer some specifics about the friend is to clarify the dynamic. You are all correct that I worded it as a “help me diagnose this”; it isn’t really pertinent what the diagnosis is, though. It’s just the level of issue (the suicidal stuff, the drug use, for examples) that I’m trying to get across. So when I try to express boundaries there has been blowback that is very scary. I just don’t know if others have had success in these types of scenarios when trying to become not codependent. Like if you express a boundary and your friend winds up in a ditch, what do you do? I know I’m supposed to not take ownership but how do you navigate this?

You don't. She should remind you of the old fable of the rattlesnake who asks a person to help it stay warm by tucking it under the coat. The snake proceeds to sink its fangs in the person who was kind to it.

Exactly. For your own mental health, you need to let go of this friendship and any feelings of obligation or responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the useful responses. It is true that I have found myself in a codependent relationship with my friend. I am in therapy and have been thinking a lot about it. The reason for trying to offer some specifics about the friend is to clarify the dynamic. You are all correct that I worded it as a “help me diagnose this”; it isn’t really pertinent what the diagnosis is, though. It’s just the level of issue (the suicidal stuff, the drug use, for examples) that I’m trying to get across. So when I try to express boundaries there has been blowback that is very scary. I just don’t know if others have had success in these types of scenarios when trying to become not codependent. Like if you express a boundary and your friend winds up in a ditch, what do you do? I know I’m supposed to not take ownership but how do you navigate this?

You can’t help someone who is hellbent on dragging themselves and everyone else down. Plus all the lying, games, manipulation. Protect yourself, yesterday/

[Anonymous]

You need to get very clear with yourself that you are not responsible for her actions. You cannot make her use drugs or hurt herself, anymore than you can stop her from these things. She is responsible for her actions. I would work on thinking about this whenever you interact with her or even think about her. Your therapist can help you with this. Just find a simple way to remind yourself "she is responsible for her actions."

Once you really own that idea as the truth, it will be easier to set boundaries and back out of the relationship. And by easier, I don't mean easy. She may still try to guilt trip you or threaten you with harm to herself as you withdraw or set clear boundaries. But if you remind yourself that you cannot be responsible for her actions (and remind her of this as well, when necessary), it can give you the strength to pull back.

[Anonymous]

Find a trauma therapist. Your current one is bizarre. You should be detached by now, mentally and emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a trauma therapist. Your current one is bizarre. You should be detached by now, mentally and emotionally.

My current therapist is bizarre you mean? Aside from looking at Psychology Today's listings, how does one specifically find a trauma therapist?

The pandemic has made finding a therapist difficult. They all seem booked constantly.

[Anonymous]

The question you should be asking, OP, is why you still want to have anything to do with this person. People with BPD are fundamentally, inherently incapable of maintaining healthy, reciprocal relationships of any kind, and DBT helps them only to maintain. You should ask yourself why you're wasting energy (psychological, emotional, etc.) on this individual. Lavish your attention on those in your life who are worthy of your efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a trauma therapist. Your current one is bizarre. You should be detached by now, mentally and emotionally.

My current therapist is bizarre you mean? Aside from looking at Psychology Today's listings, how does one specifically find a trauma therapist?

The pandemic has made finding a therapist difficult. They all seem booked constantly.

Ask around and call the DV centers.

Psychology today.con is a jokers lots of BA only people and everyone checks every box yet had nil experience in it.

[Anonymous]

OP, this friend makes your life worse. If it's family, there is some obligation. Friend, no. With this friend in your life, you are choosing to be unhealthy yourself.