Blood vs chosen family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do adoptive families fit into this scheme?

Adopted children should be thought of as blood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do adoptive families fit into this scheme?

Adopted children should be thought of as blood.

They absolutely should be considered blood.

Unfortunately I’ve seen families where the adopted children aren’t seen as real family. The biological kids get more gifts and money, adopted kids get very little. Grandparents will take the bio kids out but not the adopted. Etc.

So some people don’t consider them blood, but those people are a-holes.

[Anonymous]

I don't think being blood related to someone means you have the right to treat them however as you want. As a result, the blood relatives that we have who have acted in inappropriate ways are no longer part of our life. To me, it doesn't matter how someone is related to you (or not), it matters how they treat you. I mean, you aren't blood related to your spouse but I'd assume you'd put your relationship with them above all else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:blood? Absolutely not and I often think "blood" is an excuse to tolerate abuse.

+1,000

My husband's father has always been abusive, and this is what he comes back to - but I'm your father, I'm related to you, etc. Doesn't mean $h!t when you abuse your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My family of origin has tons of dysfunction and abuse. I distanced myself from it a long time ago. Now I maintain that distance in part to protect my chosen family (my DH and DD) because we have a wonderful relationship between the three of us and I feel I have successfully shed the dysfunction I was raised in. I want to keep it that way.

I work to earn my DD's respect and trust every day. When she is grown, I want her in my life because she wants to be there, not out of some obligation to her mother. I think if you don't nurture your relationships with your children, you aren't entitled to anything later. I certainly don't feel like I owe my parents much of anything beyond what I owe any other human being -- basic decency.

I agree with you. I wish all parents felt this way...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on the other post. Do you believe blood family always means more and is more important than chosen family? Thoughts? I wanna hear from people on both sides of the coin.

Blood relatives are the people who go through the tough times with you (they shed their blood, sweat and tears with with you). These may or may not be biological family members. FWIW my non-biological aunts and uncles have been there more for me than most of my biological relatives. Not even close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, no. We have a small but mighty group of friends here (8 couples) who I will call for anything, and vice versa. Our families (moms/dads/siblings) just don't put off that 'family' vibe that I see with other families. They aren't warm and seem to want to tear down instead of lift up and support, lots of jealously too.

I truly hope everyone finds the friends that become family like we have.

Jealous? Aren’t we a bit of a narc? Maybe they don’t enjoy your company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, no. We have a small but mighty group of friends here (8 couples) who I will call for anything, and vice versa. Our families (moms/dads/siblings) just don't put off that 'family' vibe that I see with other families. They aren't warm and seem to want to tear down instead of lift up and support, lots of jealously too.

I truly hope everyone finds the friends that become family like we have.

Jealous? Aren’t we a bit of a narc? Maybe they don’t enjoy your company.

DP. You can not enjoy someone's company without tearing them down though...

[Anonymous]

Blood for me but I don’t come from a dysfunctional family and there are lots of cousins ~ same age. Family is mostly Italian descendants. I could have my grandmother call a cousin I have never met across the country and could move in with her. It is a mindset. We now live far away from most of the family but it amazes me how much DC love going to grandma’s house and seeing the rest of the family, especially given how infrequent it has happens recently.

However, I was the only girl and my best friend is the sister that we wasn’t born to my family. She does come from a very dysfunctional family. She spends more time with mine and is considered part of the family also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we're being precise, my husband is chosen family and he is number 1.

As long as you are married. Divorce changes that dynamic quite radically.

Well, duh. If you are divorced then you are no longer choosing the other. So, the spirit still holds.