Those who shouldn't conceive do...why?

[Anonymous]

So after a long haul trying to conceive I spoke to a friend of mine recently who announced her pregnancy. She is in her late thirties and tried 'once' and got pregnant. Oh, did I mention she is unmarried, living alone in a new state with no support system and has a child with behavioral problems. She can barely handle him (have asked her parents to take him off her hands) and she gets pregnant after ONE try. Although she is my friend, given my troubles conceiving, I can't help but totally resent that she could get pregnant in her situation so easily, putting a burden on a child that isn't even born yet......

[Anonymous]

I used to work in an inner city labor and delivery and most of the deliveries were to drug addicts and underage moms (one as young as 12) . When I was 28 and started my TTC journey I was so angry at these moms who had kids they didn't even want, it made my struggle even harder. IF is really one of the biggest social injustices, wait until you get married have some financial stability and find out you waited too ling.

[Anonymous]

I TOTALLY hear you on this. It is just so unfair. At one point, we were going to give up the TTC journey all together. I bought a whole bunch of books on how to survive post TTC and living childless. They DID help. I guess, just relating to the author.

The book's title, "Silent Sorority: A Barren Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found" by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos. She actually recommends that you give this book to friends/family to help them understand how IF effects our lives.

Good luck to all of us.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes, I get pissed at pregnant crack whores or those getting late abortions because it's just too "inconvenient". But then I realize that these women are not loved, not living secure lives, with almost no chance of happiness. They are also scarring other innocent humans beings. So even if I am not yet fortunate enough to have a baby, I can love and respect myself, my family, and my friends and find other ways to bring a valuable contribution to the world. I can also hope that someday, people won't feel so desperate that they become crack whores or won't be so selfish that thy get late term abortions. I'm not religious at all, but these thoughts help me get away from anger, find positive things to focus on, and, sometimes, find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, I get pissed at pregnant crack whores or those getting late abortions because it's just too "inconvenient". But then I realize that these women are not loved, not living secure lives, with almost no chance of happiness. They are also scarring other innocent humans beings. So even if I am not yet fortunate enough to have a baby, I can love and respect myself, my family, and my friends and find other ways to bring a valuable contribution to the world. I can also hope that someday, people won't feel so desperate that they become crack whores or won't be so selfish that thy get late term abortions. I'm not religious at all, but these thoughts help me get away from anger, find positive things to focus on, and, sometimes, find peace.

lady those are NOT positive thoughts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to work in an inner city labor and delivery and most of the deliveries were to drug addicts and underage moms (one as young as 12) . When I was 28 and started my TTC journey I was so angry at these moms who had kids they didn't even want, it made my struggle even harder. IF is really one of the biggest social injustices, wait until you get married have some financial stability and find out you waited too ling.

You chose to be angry. Are you still so immature?

[Anonymous]

Ladies, IF is not a social injustice. It is a personal injustice and it is hard to deal with. Just like being born with a genetic disease, or born poor, etc.

But it makes it harder to deal with if you can't get over your feelings of bitterness towards others who have conceived.

It's just like anything else -- there are haves and have-nots. Some people are born with money, some are born with the genes for great health, some are born extra-fertile. Some have to work to achieve one or the other (or all). Try to focus on the positives and on your options and your own happiness. There will ALWAYS be someone out there with a life you envy...but you can work to feel good about your own life and choices (and possibly IUI, IVF, adopting, etc). It's very hard, but worth it.

[Anonymous]

In the words of my mother, "Who the hell told you life was fair?" Because it ain't. And, really, you are not the only one going through a painful time/experience. And there are way worse things to go through in the grand scheme of things - what if your husband was killed tomorrow with no warning? Or what if you were diagnosed with cancer on top of being infertile? Or what if you lost your job and your house? I understand the pain and the self-pity and I am guilty of it too, but remember to keep perspective. And, remember, life ain't fair. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, richer, funnier, more fertile than you - and they may be eating the household cleaner, Comet, for 30 years and still be able to have 5 kids (this was an actual episode of my strange addiction the other day).

[Anonymous]

Yah, poster 19:50 -- uh, I don't think you've gotten away from any anger....

[Anonymous]

I think it's very natural and normal to have some anger over these issues if you're experiencing IF. They key is just not to get too wrapped up in it. You have no power over it and just have to let go. I certainly had thoughts like this and I'd be suprised if anyone didn't. After years of difficulty (IVF, complications, difficult pregnancy) I finally had a child. The same year my BF accidentally got pregnant after a one night stand and two forms of birth control. She's a great mother and she has no regrets because it has worked out, but we had a big laugh over it. Since she's a wonderful person and mother I don't feel anger over how easy it was for her to get pregnant when she didn't even want to, but even she said it's so unfair. The stories that really get to me the most are news stories about children who are abused, neglected, even killed and tortured by their parents or relatives. What a tragic world. But what can you do.

[Anonymous]

I blame some of these responses on hormone injections. Personally, they made me crazier than a shithouse rat.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm just stunned that the OP and PPs think they are in the best position to judge who "should" and "shouldn't" conceive! I guess the world would be a perfect place if children were borne only to seemingly "perfect" parents? Wow.

[Anonymous]

I'm the 1/26 19:50 poster, and I never said that I was over my anger. Rather, I tried to share my hopes of overcoming it and my hopes that those in unfortunate situations will find positive forces in their lives. I also do not wish to judge who should and should not have kids, but like today's 13:54 poster, I wish that all children were born to and conceived by parents who could love and care for them in supportive families (however defined). Thanks to the compassionate 13:54 poster, and to OP for having the courage to voice her very understandable feelings in what she had hoped would be a safe, nonjudgmental atmosphere. Hormones or not (don't they suck!), her feelings are very normal for those struggling w/ IF.

[Anonymous]

19:50 your post sounded very judgmental of those who "become crack whores" and get late term abortions. So it is hard to respond to your comments in a neutral, objective way. Perhaps an expression of your feelings (all valid) in a less condescending way?

[Anonymous]

I really have a problem with how you frame having kids as some kind of reward that fate should only award to the virtuous. Good people should always get good things and bad people should be punished and somehow you are being punished even though you are good. It just doesn't work that way, you are seriously confused and judgemental and hateful.

I get that you are in a bad place right now, but it sure as sh*t isn't anybody's fault, especially not some stranger you saw in an ER once.

You need to get help. And I say this as someone who has been pregnant 3 times, has no kids, and each ended more tragically than the last. Not my fault, not anybody's fault, things just happen, and bad things can and do happen to everyone.