Concern about friend's brothers actions - what woud you do?

[Anonymous]

My DC has a bff that she has been friends with for 5+ years; the girls are 11. BF has two older brothers, teens. I am good "mom" friends with the mom; we work on some activities at the school together. We have had the family over for dinner at our house and I have thought that the whole family was lovely. Lately, however, my DC has been telling me about some actions that make me feel uncomfortable, but I don't want to overreact. I need your reactions, please, about whether you would be concerned and, if so, how would you handle expressing those concerns to the mom? First, the boys have hit the sister, in the face, in front of my child. My girl says the boys are really mean to the sister. During a recent playdate at the BF's house, the boys locked the girls in a storage room and would not let them out for an hour. Last week, the BF called my girl in distress, saying that her brothers were trying to break into her room and that she was yelling for her mom but the mom wasn't coming. Turns out that the brothers did break into her room, then tied her hands and feet, blindfolded her, gagged her and stuffed her in a closet. She told my girl that it took her 10 minutes to get out. She says she told her mom, but there was no apparent consequence (I know that the boys had a fun event planned for that night and that they went -- but it is possible there was some consquence I don't know about.) So -- is this a personal, family matter and I stay out of it? Or does this type of behavior, by very tall, strong teen boys against younger, smaller girls, cause red flags? Do I just keep my girl from playing there or do I discuss with the mom? How do I even bring this up without totally offending her?

[Anonymous]

I don't know HOW I would do this, but I certainly would take some type of action to ensure my DD didn't become the boys' next victim. Sorry I'm not more helpful - my response would really depend on how well I knew the parents of the boys.

[Anonymous]

First, I'd have the girl to your place more since there doesn't seem to be enough supervision at hers (and sounds like she could do with the break).

Second, for one of those events or another one, I'd write a quick, lighthearted email to the mom that will make her realize that you don't think it's appropriate. E.g. "Thanks for having Mary - she had a fun time - but she told me that Tom and Harry locked her in a cupboard for an hour - what an imagination!!"

[Anonymous]

Is there a dad on the scene? If not, any chance the mom is afraid of the boys herself? Are the children all her bio kids?

I'd have the girl to your house. I would not allow your DD to go there again while those older teens live in the same house. It sounds dangerous. Also sounds like it is escalating.

Is this post for real? What does your DH say? If my DH heard that someone locked one of our kids in a storage room for an hour on a playdate, he'd be at their house.

If this is real, I'd probably mention it to the counselor at school so she can keep any eye on the girl. With what you are describing I would not be surprised if there is sexual abuse going on or there will be soon. I had brothers growing up, as did many friends. Some played pranks, none were violent or sadistic. Something is going on with those kids. If the mom asked why the DD can't come over, I'd say that she is afraid of the brothers and that you are not comfortable with her being there.

[Anonymous]

I would be honest with the mom since you say you know her and tell her that you want playdates at your house for the time being. Be casual, "well, I know your boys like to play pranks, but DD did not like getting locked in the closet and to be honest, I agree with her. If that's how the boys are going to act, then I would rather have the girls over here where they can play without worry."

It acknowledges your concerns about what you consider appropriate behaviot, ensures that you have stood up for your daughter with the responsible adult in the family and gives the friend a chance to get out of the house.

And yes, if my DH had heard this, he would be over there talking to the parents and the boys. This deserves to be remarked upon.

[Anonymous]

OP, if that wouldn't be a red flag, what would be? These kids are engaging in acts against their sister and her friends that would be felonies if commited by a stranger. I agree that there is potential for sexual abuse. No, violence of this type towards younger sibs is not normal.

I think that you, or you and your DH need to convey that you are very concerned about what happened to your DD at their house on a playdate and that she won't be returning. I would also say that you have enjoyed spending time with their family but that you are very concerned for the well being of her DD. Gagging and tying people up can easily go wrong, with tragic consequences. I'd be direct rather than trying to sidestep the issue. I also think that informing the school counselor is a good strategy.

[Anonymous]

If, God forbid, I was the mom of these boys, I would want to know. Totally unacceptable behavior. You are doing her a favor by telling her.

[Anonymous]

Hard to believe the mother doesn't know.

OP, are there boys lacrosse players?

I would involve the school so that there is a record. If this post is real, this isn't a "consequences" like no DS situation. Those boys need some serious help and that 11 year old needs a safe place to live. Also wondering what is going on with the adults in the house. Normal adults would not have allowed this dynamic to get to this point. Wonder if the adult male is also abusing the little girl. Is the mom a SAHM? Perhaps she feels economically vulnerable so is turning a blind eye. I would set up a meeting with the school counselor and discuss this in person.

[Anonymous]

oops, should be "theSe" boys not "there"

[Anonymous]

poor LAX players. such a bad rap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During a recent playdate at the BF's house, the boys locked the girls in a storage room and would not let them out for an hour. Last week, the BF called my girl in distress, saying that her brothers were trying to break into her room and that she was yelling for her mom but the mom wasn't coming. Turns out that the brothers did break into her room, then tied her hands and feet, blindfolded her, gagged her and stuffed her in a closet. She told my girl that it took her 10 minutes to get out. She says she told her mom, but there was no apparent consequence (I know that the boys had a fun event planned for that night and that they went -- but it is possible there was some consquence I don't know about.) So -- is this a personal, family matter and I stay out of it? Or does this type of behavior, by very tall, strong teen boys against younger, smaller girls, cause red flags? Do I just keep my girl from playing there or do I discuss with the mom? How do I even bring this up without totally offending her?

If any of this is true, why is offending the mom your biggest concern?

[Anonymous]

I have 2 elementary-age boys and an infant girl. When my little girl is old enough for playdates & her brothers are teens, I would absolutely want to know if something like this happened. I'm not sure what my husband would do if

[Anonymous]

OP here -- this is real. My hesitation is that I have met the boys on a # of occassions and the DH, too -- all appear to be great - nice, sweet, friendly. I am not doubting my DD or the friend and so what is going on seems to be "behind the scenes" -- my concern was maybe this is sibling roughhousing?? I don't have older boys. My older bro was/is great and never scared me, but I have friends who tell me that their sibs fight like cats & dogs. I didn't want to overreact. Post 14:22 -- I like your approach best. I care for this mom/family and don't want to be unfair yet also want to protect DD and the BF. I was seeking your reaction b/c I didn't know if others would think it is a red flag. I am now definitely going to talk to the mom, but I will be low key to start. Tks!

[Anonymous]

OP here -- this is real. My hesitation is that I have met the boys on a # of occassions and the DH, too -- all appear to be great - nice, sweet, friendly. I am not doubting my DD or the friend and so what is going on seems to be "behind the scenes" -- my concern was maybe this is sibling roughhousing?? I don't have older boys. My older bro was/is great and never scared me, but I have friends who tell me that their sibs fight like cats & dogs. I didn't want to overreact. Post 14:22 -- I like your approach best. I care for this mom/family and don't want to be unfair yet also want to protect DD and the BF. I was seeking your reaction b/c I didn't know if others would think it is a red flag. I am now definitely going to talk to the mom, but I will be low key to start. Tks!

[Anonymous]

Growing up, I rough housed with the boys, and stuffing people in closets was par for the course - but we were all 11, and quickly we were made to understand that such behavior was not tolerated as we grew into older teens.

So definitely bring it up with the mother, in a respectful but serious manner. Her boys need to act their age and be respectful of everyone, girls included.