how involved were your grandparents in your life?

[Anonymous]

I am merely interested and not complaining -yes, the thought was prompted by the thought that my husband and I both work full-time demanding jobs and don't have much help. Yes, I wish it were different but we both have come to recognize that "it is what it is" and we would not want our parents to help out more than they desire. Both of our parents help out about once per month with picking up our kids (age 3 & 5) from school but overall do not volunteer and seem inconvenienced if we ask them to watch the kids. FWIW, we don't consider our kids difficult -fairly well mannered, listen well, only moderately active

My grandparents were heavily involved in our lives -lived right around the corner, saw my brother and I daily, babysat often while my parents were involved in their own social scene (church, acting, singing, and just a simple friday night out). I have been talking to a few friends and colleagues and they are in similar situations and it prompts me to question how this will impact current marriages. It has to be a strain unless you have the financial resources to hire assistance. Would love to know what others experiences are.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents were people we visited on weekends or on special occasions. They did not help my parents raise us. My parents are equally uninvolved in their grandchildren's lives. It makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

My mother has no real interest in being around my son, although to be fair, she was battling cancer for the first 18 months of his life and they never really bonded. But she's just not the type who likes kids anyway. From afar, yes, and loves getting pictures of him and all of that. But put the two of them in the same room and she can't handle his little boy energy (which doesn't mean he's ill-behaved, she actually remarks how polite and happy he is, but it means he does more than just sit in a corner and read all day). She told me how disappointed she was that I was having a boy (her other grandkids are also boys and she really wanted a girl).

Desperate for back-up care a couple of times when my son got sick, I called her. She was adamant that she would not watch him. I was hurt by that, since it was "me," her kid, who was in a really bad spot (he'd been sick off and on for months and I had no leave left, and worse, had a work committment that I just could NOT postpone or cancel). It's still puzzling to me, because she'd move heaven and earth to do almost anything for anyone who asked. But it's not just pinch-babysitting, she doesn't have much contact with our son at all, although she lives 20 minutes away. There are all sorts of things she could do with him if she wanted to.

The other grandmother lives in a different country, sadly. She has a completely different temperament and would LOVE to spend time with her youngest grandson.

How has it impacted our marriage? We used to argue a LOT about who had to stay home with the baby. My husband had tons of leave at his job, while I had just started a new one and didn't have much at all. Fortunately, our son has outgrown extended periods of illness and we can manage that just fine. We don't go out on dates much because a baby sitter costs $15/hr, so dinner at a cheap chain place, plus movie, plus sitter can be over $100. But all told, it's brought my husband and me closer because we see that our values about family are very similar to one another's, and it really is just the 3 of us. I wish we got out more. But if that's the worst thing we face, that's not bad at all.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have any grandparents in the area and didn't feel particularly comfortable with them when they visited. I think our way of life in the US is AFU when people think it's an imposition that their MIL seems to think her adult child is still a part of her family and has the audacity to STOP BY and hog all the air in the house, and when we consider it the responsible thing to do to not "burden" our children with our needs in old age. Very sad. But I am in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents were extremely involved and I cherish the relationship I had with them. I miss them everyday. My parents and my MIL are just as involved and I truly enjoy watching them with my kids. My daughter (6) calls my mom almost daily!
I don't particularly like my MIL but I am thankful that she is also a wonderful grandma and my kids adore her.

[Anonymous]

My SIL totally depends on having her parents help to provide daycare for her young one, though I don't know how the situation would be if the case were mine. For sure, I'd want to save money and so on, and having any good influence imparted to the grandchildren from family is a positive. At the same time, I'd not want to overwhelm either side (the family with the child, or the grandparent with providing those services, if they are able to).

[Anonymous]

My grandparents lived hundreds of miles away when I was growing up, so they were not involved in the day-to-day of our lives. But each set of grandparents took us for a week or two every other (or maybe every?) summer to give my parents a week of vacation together. I only remember once that they traveled, but I was a kid and didn't think that much about others. And we saw them for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and sometimes Easter.

Fast forward to now and our parents also live hundreds of miles away, so they are not very involved in the day-to-day lives of our DC. My in-laws are not capable of caring for our DC, but they visit about twice a year, plus Thanskgiving. My parents are in much better shape and come here to care for our DC about once a year for us to get away for a long weekend, or sometimes even a week. We also spend Christmas, spring break, and a summer vacation with them.

I think when you live in the same metro area, you have to be careful to respect each other's separate lives and time. I wouldn't want my parents or in-laws barging in at any time. And they wouldn't want us to just expect them to babysit at any time. They have lives, too. Do you do favors for them? Such as yard work, groceries, taking them to and from visits to appointments and procedures where they won't be able to drive home?

I think picking up your kids once a month, especially if that means they then watch the kids for that evening, sounds like a pretty good deal. Wish I had someone who lived close by who would do that even once a term.

[Anonymous]

I was extremely close to my grandparents. They lived 15 min away by car and were instrumental in providing advice, comfort, and lots of practical care. I had afterschool care starting in elementary (when my mom went back to work fulltime) but if I was ever sick or had an appointment, they came to help. We spent the night at their house once a week, went out on special excursions, did weekends away all as a family.

My parents live 2000 miles away and have seen my 2 yo DC 3 times. My inlaws live 2 hours away and see DC more frequently but not as much as they could and haven't really helped or been supportive in a practical way.

[Anonymous]

my paternal GM was very old by the time i was born, but was affectionate when we visited her - she never came to visit us b/c she was so old...

maternal grandparents were heavily involved in our lives - they lived in pakistan and we alternated summers - we went one summer for the entire summer vacation and the next year, they would come for 4-6 months. during the winter, they would call and write extensively and i would do the same. My GF died when i was in college and i miss him to this day... My GM came and lived with my parents for a few years after he died, but then moved back... I truly wish she had stayed here to be a part of her great-grandchildren's lives...

my parents live in the area and are DD's primary caretakers (other than me and dh) - they pick her up from our house and drop her to school (some days), pick her up from school (all days)... watched her exclusively until she was 9 mon and then they asked for a PT nanny in their home to give them a little bit of a break - this continues to this day (she's 2.5). Even when I am most irritated at them for letting DD watch WAY too much TV, or thinking child proofing is new-agey and un-necessary, or criticizing how my husband deals with our dd (he sets firm limits and keeps to them), i know how lucky i am to have them here and with her. It is the ONLY way i am able to work FT without guilt, pursue my career, and know that my dd is with family...

My husband's parents are 2 hours away by plane, and i don't feel very close to them, but they are wonderful grandparents and try to be as involved as possible - skype, talking on phone, sending gifts, visiting...

[Anonymous]

My paternal grandparents were extremely involved. In fact they moved from a state they lived all of their lives at the age of 72y to the state where my parents had relocated to so they could be near us and help my parents with me (picking me up from school, spending the night, etc.)

Now both sets of grandparents live many hours (12+) away and because of health issues/other familial obligations aren't really involved outside of yearly visits, cards, and gifts. makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

Not very. By the time I was born 3 were dead and one lived in Cleveland. She developed alzhiemers and died by the time I was 10.

[Anonymous]

None of my grandparents were really involved with me or my brother. My mom's parents abused her growing up and so she never wanted them to help anyway. My dad's parents didn't show a ton of interest.

My parents are much more involved with our children than my husband's. I don't take it personally--that's just who they are. They love their grandchildren but are not the type to offer help.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents weren't involved in our day-to-day lives, but we visited them all at least once a year (more for the set that lived closer). My parents are involved in my kids' lives on a weekly basis, which is really nice - they don't take the kids overnight, but they babysit a couple hours a week and can watch the kids in a pinch if needed.

It's really nice for the kids, they adore their grandparents, and I think my parents enjoy having that regular contact.

[Anonymous]

One set of grandparents died before I was born. I saw the other set every other year at Christmas. The answer is "not very involved at all."

[Anonymous]

My maternal grandfather died last winter. My grandmother is still alive. We were not close with my father's parents. My mother's parents helped raise us, despite living up to 10 hours away by car at times. I wouldn't trade the relationship I had with my grandparents for anything.

I love that my ILs live here in the area, as does my father, and that my mother and stepfather are 2.5 hours by car.