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Schools and Education General Discussion
what if you really, really don't like your kid's school?
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Anonymous
| My child's new-ish school is supposed to be great, but I am really disappointed. Our family has made a lot of sacrifices for DS to attend this school: lifestyle changes, financial sacrifices, the whole deal. I think this school is great on paper, but not in real life. Honestly, I have never encountered a group of stranger/colder/odd parents anywhere. I have always volunteered at DS's previous school and met plenty of parents who I like -- but, here, I feel as if I'm speaking another language and cannot connect with any of the parents I have met. Some are downright rude; none have been welcoming and/or friendly to us as newcomers. In addition, DS has been at the school since Sept., and he has received exactly 1 playdate invitation and no birthday party invitations (there have been a number of birthdays in his class). DS is a very nice, social child (2nd grade), who has never had trouble meeting and/or making friends. I worry that we have made a big mistake. I am beginning to think there may have been an uber-serious and, maybe, clicque-type culture at the school that we overlooked. Any advice? |
Anonymous
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Is your son happy?
Are you in a position to volunteer, try to find someone with whom you connect? |
Anonymous
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It sometimes takes more than a year for newcomers to be integrated at certain schools.
In the meantime, can you be proactive, and invite his classroom friends to playdates? his birthday? What matters is the happiness of your son, as PP said. On the other hand, if your sacrifices are weighing on your mind, maybe you would all be happier by changing schools. |
Anonymous
| Isn't school supposed to be about your child's education? It isn't all about you. Does your son not like it there? You can't wait around for playdate invites. My son has had none so I started inviting kids over and they reciprocate. Not every kid has a birthday either. Mine didn't. He brought cupcakes into school. That's it. If he did have a party, I might let him invite a handful of kids but not the whole class. |
Anonymous
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I've had a similar experience this year. Parents are very wealthy and many grew up in area so know each other from childhood, college, etc. They live in the same neighborhood or two, belong to the same country club, go to the same social events/benefits, etc. Many of their kids were in the same playgroups and preschools. Everyone is very nice when I talk with them one-on-one but we're clearly the outsiders and are excluded from many birthdays, play dates, etc. Mainly because our kids are all very young and play dates, etc. are almost entirely parent driven. Kid A might say "I want to have kid B over to play" but it is up to the parents to make the call and many times, they simply arrange things with their friends' kids. Or perhaps the kids themselves gravitate to each other because they have lots of exposure to each other outside of school or have grown up together.
No one is purposefully mean or exclusionary (I truly believe this) but I'm sure they simply have limited time and are trying to keep up with current and old friends (i.e. each other). There are definitely other families on the outside as well and we tend to gravitate towards each other. I've met a few very nice moms who obviously are feeling out of place as well. I've also watched a few (new to the school) moms try extremely hard to be included in what is "the in group" of families (by hosting a zillion play dates, hanging around for 30 minutes after every drop-off and pick-up to chat with the more popular moms, etc). It's not my style but to each their own. I've been fortunate enough to have a social community outside of school that we spend our time with so I don't feel a compelling need to be at the center of the school's social scene. That all said, I will admit that at times it's challenging to feel like a fish out of water at an institution that is so central to our lives. I think it would be far less of an issue if I was a working mom. As a (for the time being) SAHM I have more exposure to the school and am always present during my kids' time after school. So I am more acutely aware of the school's social cliques, etc. than I would be if I worked. And it always stinks to be an "outsider". |
Anonymous
| Unless your child hates it, I'd give it time. It takes a while to break in at some schools. I agree with others who suggest initiating playdates. Maybe also invite all of the boys to your DS's birthday party so he sees them outside of school (and you can meet some of the parents). |
Anonymous
| I agree with all the others. Initiate playdates. I also agree with others that you shouldn't assume everyone is having B-day parties. We only have family parties and bring cupcakes for the class. Even in what are considered wealthy communities, not everyone can shell out 400-500 for a party at a bounce place or what have you. If we did have a party we would have to invite just a few close friends who we can host nicely rather than a large group we can't afford. |
Anonymous
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I agree with the PPs about initiating playdates and invites to your child's party. Get involved with volunteering at school.
Parents who have known each other for a long time may not be comfortable with people that are new or who they perceive to be different. It sounds childish but that is the reality. If your child mentions names of other children that he enjoys at school, take the first step and invite the child or child and mom over for a playdate. After some time you find that some of the cold parents are actually people that you do not care to be close with after all. You will eventually find families that you are compatible with. |
Anonymous
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I like three parents in my daughter's class.
I can count on one hand the number of times I've volunteered. I have my life; my daughter has hers. The overlap should occur at home - not at school, not during activities. |
Anonymous
| Why are you bragging about how you never volunteer. werid. As for overlap-you are delusional--getting along with parents helps your child socially unless you are one of those parents who could give a toss if their child was invited to things since your life is so important. That is how you are coming across. |
Anonymous
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not bragging - Maybe telling the truth comes across as abrasive to some sensitive posters.
just not a human helicopter As a teacher I understand and appreciate boundaries. Too many parents are overly involved to such an extent that they cripple their children.
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Anonymous
The helicopter accusation is so in vogue. Do the least little thing with your kids and people want to make the helicopter charge. I volunteer at my kids' school. That's not crossing a boundary, that's just helping a teacher after a year of huge budget cuts. Try not to read too much into it. My experience with teachers who don't want any volunteers ever is they're control freaks who don't want anybody observing them. |
Anonymous
NP: Wow, I'm also a teacher (college professor) and I volunteer at my son's school. I know my boundaries--I just enjoy helping out. As the PP said, "try not to read too much into it!" |
Anonymous
| Many teachers I work with in our school have had bad experiences with volunteers. Some of the moms come in to learn about which kids are in the low group or are behavior issues and then gossip about it to others. I work in an upper middle class area though so we have many SAHMs. I love when parents offer to help but ask me what type of help I need the most (copying, laminating, cutting out materials, etc). |
Anonymous
Are you serious!! I hope they are given some instruction on what is and is not acceptable behavior for volunteers. This behavior would seriously impact the experience of children in the school and their parents. Do you politely say, "sorry, but I can't really think of any help I need right now but I'll call you if I do" when you find out volunteers are behaving this way? |