When to tell kids they were born via IVF?

[Anonymous]

My twins were born via IVF - my eggs, DH's sperm. Do I need to tell them? When? They are now 3 and pretty average in terms of language/comprehension (they completely wouldn't get it yet). Probably half the really important adults in my children's life know - but my in-laws don't know. Well they might, but not from us. When have other people told their kids? Any good books for kids?

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is any need to tell them, unless there is someone else you need to beat to it. I think the bigger deal you make it the bigger deal they'll think it is. Doesn't matter if they never know. My caveat is that if a nosy or judgmental relative is going to break it to them in a less-than-ideal way, you'd want to avoid that.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't feel compelled to say anything to them until they are old enough to know about how babies are made and even then I bet they are not going to want to hear about their parents getting busy. I mean, really, if you had gotten pregnant the "traditional" way would you share that with them? What position? How was the orgasm? These are private details that I am sure no child wants to think about. I remember figuring out that I was probably concieved on Valentine's Day and thinking that's really too much information as a teenager.

I'm guessing you are way overthinking this.

[Anonymous]

You tell them when they ask a question and this is a relevant part of the answer.

For example:

Where do babies come from? They grow in Mommy's uterus (not yet relevant).

How do the babies get started? There is an egg from the mommy and seed from the Daddy (not yet relevant).

How does the Daddy's seed get to the Mommy's egg? NOW it is relevant and you explain how there are a variety of ways, and which one you did.

[Anonymous]

I have no specific plans to tell them, although I might if it comes up, or it seems as though it might be relevant to their medical history. I do like the idea of being clear that there are multiple ways people can get pregnant, especially since it's relevant to same sex families.

[Anonymous]

I would tell them when they are grown. Seems useless prior to then.

[Anonymous]

Its your sperm/eggs so I wouldn't worry about it yet. If it was donor then at some point, but you just got some medical help with how they got in you/fertility. Its not the same as donor sperm/egg or adoption. Not a big deal. Plenty of parents/kids are born via it. I think its more important later in case they have reproductive issues so I would not keep it hidden but biologically they are your children so its not a big deal. Its not important at 3.

[Anonymous]

Hm, it never occurred to me to tell her. My first was IVF, my second was natural, and unless they ask me or it comes up in some natural way, I have to plans to tell them. It seemed like a huge deal at the time, but by now it doesn't seem very significant (IVF baby is now 5).

If for instance one of them has infertility issues, then of course a discussion would be appropriate/necessary, but I don't see the need otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. Both my children were conceived with "substantial assistance"... There was also lots of attempts to have them the old fashioned way, just never happened. No plans to tell them, unless later there is some infertility issue that one comes up with (we had male factor issue so it could be genetic).

[Anonymous]

I'd include it naturally in the "how are babies made?" conversations, taking my child's lead from the questions he asked. I feel as though leaving that information out would turn it into something secret or shameful, whereas there's no downside to saying "We really wanted you, and it wasn't working on our own so we went to the doctor and he/she helped." When they're ready for more details they'll ask.

If I found out as an adult that I was conceived via IVF, I'd be taken aback. First of all it would hurt me that my mom hadn't shared such a emotional time in her life with me. I like to think we're closer than that. Secondly, I think I'd want to know about family history while I was making decisions about when to start trying, how long to wait before looking for help etc . . .

[Anonymous]

What is the point of telling them? I have 2 kids, one thru IVF and one naturally and never occurred to me to even tell him unless he asked later down the road (adult).
The way I look at is it was my egg, my husbands sperm, I carried the baby in my uterus and delivered naturally....the only difference is that I had a bump start.
My son is 3 and has a very good comprehension of things but to explain IVF let alone where babies come from is way out of our league right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the point of telling them? I have 2 kids, one thru IVF and one naturally and never occurred to me to even tell him unless he asked later down the road (adult).
The way I look at is it was my egg, my husbands sperm, I carried the baby in my uterus and delivered naturally....the only difference is that I had a bump start.
My son is 3 and has a very good comprehension of things but to explain IVF let alone where babies come from is way out of our league right now.

I'm the poster above you. I think there's a huge amount of difference between a 3 year old and an adult. Would I explain IVF to a 3 year old? Probably not, it's too complicated. But my 11 year old has asked lots of really insightful questions about his birth and circumstances surrounding it. She's curious about what kinds of food I craved, or who was in the delivery room. Not including a key piece of information like IVF would seem very strange. In addition, I think letting your child know how much you wanted them can't really be a bad thing.

So, I figured I'd clarify. When I said "of course I'd tell", I didn't actually mean sit your 3 year old down with diagrams of fallopian tubes. I meant sometime before they hit reproductive age there will be conversations where this information fits in naturally, and hiding it or omitting it would be, in my opinion, strange.

[Anonymous]

Well my FG are 12 1/2 yrs old, and still don't feel a need to tell them till NOW! I thought that since they're learning in Science class about stem cell research and gene makeup, it'd be awesome to tell them about how they were conceived. What do you think? Now that's waiting for the right time! I'd wait till they can fully understand.

[Anonymous]

I couldnt care less if my parents conceived me thru IVF, though I might think it was kinda cool. To the PP, your kids are probably at an ideal time to let them know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldnt care less if my parents conceived me thru IVF, though I might think it was kinda cool. To the PP, your kids are probably at an ideal time to let them know.

This is a little embarassing, but I was talking with friends a few months ago, and the subject of "test tube babies" came up (we couldn't remember the name of the first one - it is Louise). I remember that it was such an exotic procedure, and what a bid deal was made of it - I think I was 6 or so at the time it happened). And for the first time, I realized that my son, who is 5 and conceived through IVF, is a test tube baby. Never thought of it before. (Remember the old joke: What did one test tube baby say to another? "Hey, a womb with a view!")

The point, OP, is that while it might have been unusual 30 years ago, it's commonplace now (especially if you have lots of friends who are twins). It's not like there's a stigma attached, either. By the time your kids are old enough to ask/understand, it'll be a non issue - in fact, it's one now.