Has your spouse ever lost their jobs? How to stay supportive?

[Anonymous]

My spouse was given notice his position is being eliminated in 2 weeks-esentially laid off, one months severance pay.
We have our 3rd child on the way and I already work - luckily we can transfer insurance to my company plan (but it will be another financial hit to us).

I am scared to death...and want to stay as supportive as possible since it is for better or for worse, but whew...scared scared and I dont think my husband is as scared as me and for some reason this makes me angry. -- We have no savings, but luckily a home equity line...which I think he sees as a big safety net - i see as dire straights. -- He thinks he may find a better job so maybe things will work out better - I am a worry wart.

Help ! someone give me a reality check.

[Anonymous]

I can understand why you're worried - but he has 6 weeks to find another job with pay and DC is pretty much recession proof (of course, I don't know your DH's field, but I'm sure he can find something in DC that relates). Count your blessings for that!

[Anonymous]

We are in month 8 of DH being unemployed. We were really lucky, and have had savings to live off of. They have now run out, and we are going to have to dip into our retirement savings, but at least it is there. I didn't work when all this started, but I do now.

The only reason DH has had such bad luck, is because he had an issue with his clearance, one form stapled to paperwork from the wrong year, which took months. Then they had to investigate our Au Pair, which took even longer. He has had 30 offers, and projected start dates, only to be dropped at the end because someone didn't want to deal with the paperwork. If all things work out this time, he will start working again next week, and it's just not a moment too soon.

For us there is no going out to eat. No haircuts, manicures, pedicures, movies, dates, nothing extra. I needed to buy some clothes for my children, I went to the goodwill in Annapolis. Where else can you find a size 4t Kenneth Cole suit for $1.25. I purchased a ton of nice clothes (tags still on) and left paying just over six dollars.

It has been rough, but it hasn't been the end of our world. The way I see it, if we had to sell the house, that would have been the worst thing, and that's not so bad. We have lived in apartments before, and can do it again.

OP, I don't think you are wrong to be scared, the unkown is scarey. I always prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. Maybe it's corny, but it is a stradegy that has helped me through some really though, life altering times.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. This happened to my DH two months before our first child was born. I saw it as an opportunity to get things done at the house pre-baby. At the beginning, he looked for another job and had some interviews, but in the end, we decided that it made the most sense for him to stay at home with the baby while I went back to work. Four years later, he is now a SAHD to two children.

[Anonymous]

I was without a job when our only child was 10 months old and to make matters worse I was our sole breadwinner. I received three months of severance and benefits but was scared to death.

Couple words of advice from someone who has kind of been in his shoes:

1) First week he is not working don't expect him to help out more than usual around the house. In fact (I know this may be so hard because you are pregnant) but maybe give him a chance to get through feeling sorry for himself. I think I spent the first few days moping and in bed and then pulled myself together. It was very helpful that my DH gave me some breathing room at first.

2) Try not to have the look of panic on your face - he may not be showing it but I bet he's panicing too and probably worrying enough for both of you.

3) When you start to panic, mentally list all your lifelines. All the things you could give up if needed (i.e. cable), what you could sell, what you could dip into, who you could borrow from. Using these lifelines could be humbling but not tragic. So we didn't have to deplete our cash savings I borrowed two months of mortgage payments post-severance from my parents and paid them back when I got a new job.

4) If he is an executive/manager (as I was) it may take many months to land a new job. It took me 4 and a half months to find something new and I was lucky. Just take one day at a time and remember that just because it is taking a long time, it's probably not because he's not trying hard enough.

I feel for you and wish you the best. If it's any consolation it was a very hard patch but we pulled through and really are stronger because of it.

[Anonymous]

that last thing you need right now is to be angry with each other - I'm sure your DH is scared too, but maybe just not showing it so that you don't get too scared. My DH and I went through something kind of similar, and we took turns freaking out, but we never freaked at the same time so there was always one of us to calm the other one down. it sounds like this recently happened, so give him some time to digest and let him know you are there for him in any way he needs you. you'll get through it!!!

[Anonymous]

The shoe could be on the other foot - it could be you. Be and stay supportive...a team has a greater chance of success than a singleton.

[Anonymous]

My husband just took an elective layoff 2 weeks ago! He worked full time and I work part-time. I'm being very supportive-as supportive one can be. Not so much about finding another job-but since he's not working, helping out around the house. He still doesn't get it I have stopped doing his laundry though.

He plans to take the rest of the year off and then look for a job We always worked different hours-and now, he's there all the time. It's literally killing me. Financially-we're fine (he paid off our home, and no debt)-it's the being around all the time! It's been 2 weeks and it feels like years. He does hide out in the basement though, doing stock research-that's a good thing. Not that I don't love him-but it's way too much togetherness for me.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP, yes, my husband plans to try NOT to find a job until after my maternity leave....I am worried that I will just be panicked about $$ and only one of us can breast feed, so not sure why he wants to stay home too. I feel like I am being selfish BUT our house is not paid off so dipping into Equity Line to 'take some time off' is not OK w. me.. - but i do want to be supportive but not sure how to hide my frustration as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know how far you are from you delivery date, but my DH was pink slipped a few years ago after 20 years with the same firm (many different and diverse positions, a Fortune 100) that has sucko layoff policies. He received total 6 weeks pay. He took an entire month off to play golf and recharge his batteries. Did a few honey do projects at home, but the division of household labor did not change on wit (errr). Luckily, his network and golf buddies resulted in his getting (and accepting) a great offer, better than what he left, and we only had 2 weeks sans income which was NBD in the scheme of things.

Take a deep breath, inventory your life lines and the order and conditions under which you would tap them, then have a conversation (not confrontation, not panic) with your spouse to make sure you are both on the same page here. You both need the opportunity to air your feelings, and some compromise may be in order. I have to assume your delivery date is close, else I don't understand why your DH would be waiting, but there is a lot we don't know that you do.

[Anonymous]

First thing is stay calm...if you haven't planned for this type of event - that is why next time you will need to - it happens.

Let your DH digest the change...stay positive, change CAN be good, really good. The timing sounds rotten but give him a few weeks to think about it all and he will likely get motivated to find the right thing....if you go into some debt to get there, so be it. Once he is employed again - start saving for the next rainy day - it will come and it could be you this time. So think about how you would want him to treat you. SUPPORT....

Good luck and hang onto your marriage - I saw an event like this rip a good family apart and it does not need to...start living now on on Mac-n-cheese, you WILL get through it, and make a decision you will come through as a stronger unit. Look at it as an opportunity.
Cheers !

[zumbamama]

It's happened to me when I was pregnant. I worried and worried, and was put on bedrest, and then delivered prematurely. So try not to worry so much...it is BAD for you and baby. You have to be supportive even if it is scary, otherwise what is the alternative? To be unsupportive would only make the situation worse. Do everything you can to save $ and help him find the next step to take. When one one door closes, another will open.

[Anonymous]

I would have a talk about the issues of the home equity line. It is _both_ your financial future, either way you decide, but you should both be comfortable. If you are anxious and unhappy, that isn't going to help anyone. Discuss pros and cons and make a plan. Can you cut back on some things instead of using the equity line?

Also, don't let him be too proud to collect unemployment. It is there for a reason and something ALL of us pay for already through our various taxes. It could be enough to get you over the hump. Its basically free money that your employer has to stow away for this exact purpose and could be thousands of dollars a month!

[Anonymous]

Yes, has happened. Luckily we had savings but burnt through them..try to be supportive even if you are scared. There will be many ups and downs and it will happen to one or both of you likely more than once in our lifetimes - dont let it rip you apart.

Money is the #1 reason for divorce...i bet a lot of situations start like this...just stick with each other..its only $$$ !

[Anonymous]

Stay calm and keep your sense of humor. The poster from 22:13 is right on. My husband was out of work for 8 weeks two years ago - we took a picture of him at the unemployment office and put it on the fridge with a funny face and "Your Taxes Dollars at Work" underneath it. He knew how concerned we all were, but no matter what, he has to feel that you have ABSOLUTELY no doubt things will work out.