Long: Redshirting August birthday girl?

[Anonymous]

I know there have been quite a few debates here on this topic. I've tried to do some research on it. At one extreme, I read The Outliers (and read that the hockey team argument was debunked). On the other extreme, I've read the research here: http://www.naeyc.org/files/yc/file/200309/DelayingKEntry.pdf

It's interesting because this is such a new thing, and the research is all over the place.

I have a child who was accepted to four great schools last year, for PK, even though she has a mid-August birthday. Now she's uncharacteristically quiet in her classroom. Physically she's the smallest in her class - quite a bit smaller than the other girls. The other girls seem much older than her in terms of their interests, from television to pop culture to the ways they dress and talk and play with each other. She still looks and acts like a baby compared to her classmates. I'm worried about her losing her confidence in herself. I see it every day. I hate that she's so quiet and inhibited by participating in the classroom.

But "academically" she's reading and writing pretty well and enjoying these parts of school. She follows directions and gets along pretty well in general. So I'm worried that if she repeats PK next year, she might be bored (this is according to NAEYC research). Yes, I KNOW that most of PK "academics" is really just about developing social skills, but I also feel like my daughter will be reading very very well by next year, and I'm not really sure what she might be doing when her peers are just learning their lowercase letters. (Also, I am not saying that my daughter is more brilliant than her peers, but she has older twin siblings that she is always trying to keep up with - so she is reading chapter books, etc. Her classroom seems to have a big range of readers, but thanks to her siblings she's in the lead, and I'm worried about her doing it all over again next year when she might be ready for more.)

My last worry is that the short-term effects of holding her back next year might really harm her. She's very aware of the other girls in her class, and she keeps talking about moving on to K. I don't know how we would explain it all to her.

So I'm sure this will turn into a huge debate but I'm hoping that some people might recognize my daughter's situation, and have some words of expertise for me. I just worry that my child is stressed out every day when she goes to school, and I don't know what to do. Thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

This really shouldn't turn into a huge debate. This is your decision -- you know your child. Last year four schools offered your child admission. If there was a question about your child's readiness for this year, not all would have accepted her. To relieve your own mind, I think you should have a conversation with your child's teacher and ask his/her perspective about your child's readiness to move onto K next year. My sense is that your child is ready, but I think you already know that. I would not worry about her repeating the Pre-K year unless the teachers and school director feel it is your daughter's long term best interest. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We had our August bday girl start K just after 6 and it was a fantastic decision. Life is about a lot more than reading, a good teacher can differentiate that. Perhaps it's that she is young, maybe the school isn't the right fit? We redshirted by switching schools and repeating a JK year, might be something to consider. I don't know if all of your kids are at the same school but I think it would be a lot harder socially to redshirt at the same school she has already attended. If you are open to switching, maybe find a school with "younger" peers. My DD is in second grade and your description sounds more like her first grade class last year. We were told by a very experienced teacher that it can be beneficial to give the youngest child in the family the experience of being older and having things come more easily by redshirting if their bday is on the cusp. That way their entire life experience isn't struggling to keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child who was accepted to four great schools last year, for PK, even though she has a mid-August birthday. Now she's uncharacteristically quiet in her classroom. Physically she's the smallest in her class - quite a bit smaller than the other girls. The other girls seem much older than her in terms of their interests, from television to pop culture to the ways they dress and talk and play with each other. She still looks and acts like a baby compared to her classmates. I'm worried about her losing her confidence in herself. I see it every day. I hate that she's so quiet and inhibited by participating in the classroom.

My last worry is that the short-term effects of holding her back next year might really harm her. She's very aware of the other girls in her class, and she keeps talking about moving on to K. I don't know how we would explain it all to her.

I would worry far more about her looking and seeming so much younger than peers than I would about reading. That somewhat evens out by the early grades. You yourself said that PK is about social skills and confidence and she is not getting that in her current classroom. If you can swing it, I'd think about working briefly with a consultant to find a school and peer group that are a better fit for her. I'd move her and explain that due to the new school cut off she will be in PK there or whatever. I think going on as is in an environment where the kids sound older than 4 to me is likely to do long term harm as is being much less physically mature than a particular peer group. Some is just luck of the draw, how many of the kids have older sibs, etc, but I'd worry that she is hiding out in books rather than making peer connections and that is likely to be a pattern that continues. Reading is like walking, we all do it eventually. Social skills and feeling competent are huge predictors of life success. Her current peers don't sound like a good fit for her. That can be fixed. Find an environment where you think she can thrive.

[Anonymous]

There are people who redshirted their kids. The parents are small in most cases - so the kids will likely always be on the small side, and yet even redshirted, this didn't solve the problem. So now they are older kids but a year "behind'.

[Anonymous]

I am experiencing the same exact situation to a T. My DD has an August birthday, she is the youngest in our family, she is always trying to keep up socially and is a head shorter than the other girls in her class. She is very well-liked and has many friends, but she is always the youngest. The kids play "house" and she is the baby. She gets bossed around and takes it. Her personality is a people-pleaser, so she goes with the flow and sometimes ignores her own needs/wants and chooses to do what others are doing. She has never had the opportunity to be a leader. No doubt, she will be repeating P-K. It's not about academics at this age, and I'm not at all concerned she'll be bored. Sure, she'll be reading while others are learning letters, but she'll be learning more important skills of self confidence and independence of thought.
Also, I repeated pre-k as a child. My parents told me that I wasn't old enough to go to K. Very matter of fact. I accepted it, never thought about it with resentment and thrived. I was Four, after all.

[Anonymous]

we'll redshirt of august girl for this reason. life is more than about reading. you of course know your child best but already sounds like youngest will be big part of her experience given older twins. might like somewhere in world to be older one. She'll get over the fact that not going to k if sold right way.

[Anonymous]

We sent our August birthday girl to Kindergarten on time, even though she was smaller than most of the other girls, was rarely a "leader" in the class, etc. We asked her pre-school teachers as well as a Kindergarten teacher in our neighborhood, and they all said she was ready. We asked our pediatrician, who also agreed that our daughter was ready to start Kindergarten. Now looking back (since our daughter is in 4th grade), we are glad we did not redshirt her. She's now a leader in her classroom. She's grown so much in her social skills. Academically she's doing beautifully. She wasn't bored by an extra year in pre-K and she is very happy in school and with her friends.

As others have posted, it's your choice. But please do not think that it is just about Kindergarten. So much evens out by the time they reach 3rd/4th grade.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We held our son back and switched schools. The teachers told us they privately referred to him as "little professor" but he certainly didn't appear to know that he was ahead of other kids. After all, some kids were better at running, some could whistle, some were better at coloring in the lines. Any skilled teacher will keep your daughter challenged re: reading. What my son learned his repeated year was confidence, which has been a theme in his progression through school; he is a leader in his class rather than struggling to keep up socially. Reading is such a small part of preK - don't let that be the driver for your decision.

[Anonymous]

We considered private for our late Sept. bday girl, but decided against it despite being admitted because it would have required red-shirting her. Ours is similar to your description -- strong early reader, physically small, quiet in the class room with peers.

Now, 6 years later, we are happy we did not redshirt. Academically, she was more than ready in preK and she only became even more advanced than her peers as the years progressed. Socially, we experienced the same as you about her not being interested in the same things as her peers, but we read that as a difference in interests (both hers and our family's) and not a function of her being younger than others. Frankly, I didn't want her in an environment where girls focused heavily on pop culture and mature play at such a young age.

After some close watching of our daughter socially, it became clear that her "quietness" and reluctance to participate socially was really an effort to hide true self and interests -- she was astute enough to realize that most other kids her age weren't interested in the same things she was. We removed her from the school environment she was in, but kept her in the same grade level she had been in. New school was far more academic, had a peer and parent culture that was less focused on pop culture and DD came out of her shell and became a leader academically and socially.

I just offer this because I think the solution to social success is not necessarily to be the oldest, but rather to find the place where you fit. Kids are too young to figure that out entirely on their own. They are much more likely to try to fit themselves to the peer group around them.

[Anonymous]

I just offer this because I think the solution to social success is not necessarily to be the oldest, but rather to find the place where you fit. Kids are too young to figure that out entirely on their own. They are much more likely to try to fit themselves to the peer group around them.

I agree 100%. My DD is similar to what OP describes: August birthday, advanced reader, "baby-ish" in interests compared to many peers. She is now 9 and in 4th grade and I really can't imagine her being a third grader. She is still advanced vs her peers. Being young is not her issue, she is just interested in different things. Even among third graders, she is not a leader because she simply has no interest in many of the more social/pop culture things they are into. (I do actually try to cultivate some pop culture for her to help with this, but only in things I think are age appropriate.) She struggled a lot socially through third grade and this year we moved her to a gifted center. Well suddenly, she is doing beautifully socially. This year she has friends with the same interests, she doesn't feel like she has to hide that she reads chapter books in her leisure time and the other kids are little quirky/awkward like she is. Finding the better fit for her was the solution, not holding back a year.

[Anonymous]

You've gotten a lot of great advice OP. I'd seriously think about changing her school placement, even if you advance her to K. Just doesn't sound like the kids are a good match. Briefly working with a consultant might be really useful.

[Anonymous]

If your child is academically precocious and/or mature fine, don't redshirt, but let me be blunt, if they're average or slightly behind or small for their age group do it. Our child has a October birthday and we weren't offered this option. Now there are kids who are almost two years older in the grade. It has gotten so bad that our child refuses to go to birthday celebrations and will not allow us to host one. At a gathering the teachers had the students line up according to age. The schools need to get a handle on this and many of the parents cite the Gladwell book regardless of its validity. Spend the extra cash and redshirt. We are going to have to change schools to get our child's confidence back. I truly blame this on the school. Teachers are people too and respond to what is in front of them and do not take birthday into consideration.

[Anonymous]

I think the teachers will have the best insights. They will see things we can't. If there are gaps in the academic despite he strong overall skills that might lend support to red-shirting or if they feel she is waaay behind the other kids maturity-wise vs she will easily catch up. I believe in red-shirting, but I don't think it's right for every kid and I think to determine if it's best for your kid we would need to know the insights from the teachers and any other professionals involved (assistants, person who conducted the WPPSI). Good luck whatever you decide!

[SAM2]

Anonymous wrote:... Our child has a October birthday and we weren't offered this option. Now there are kids who are almost two years older in the grade ....

PP, could you please explain this to me? Assuming the regular age cut-off is September 1 or thereabouts, wouldn't a child with an October birthday be among the older children in the class? If so, how could there be children two years older than your child in the class? Or did your child effectively skip a grade at some point (or go to a school with a November 1 cut-off)? That might make some sense, because then your child would be a couple months younger than the very youngest in the class who might have a late-August birthday. My apologies if I am getting this wrong -- I tend to get very confused when counting ages and cut-off dates. Thanks for any clarification.

In any event, sorry about your child's situation. That sounds very difficult.