How do you stop yourself from becoming bitter?

[Anonymous]

I am starting to become bitter. Today as I lay in bed this morning feeling sorry for myself before my alarm went off, I looked on facebook (mistake) with my blackberry and saw that a couple who got married two weeks after we did is now expecting their first. I am in that phase of my life where everyone is becoming pregnant. EVERYONE. I am trying so hard not to be bitter because I have some single friends that act that way about married people and I know just how unattractive it can be. I do NOT want to be that bitter woman, but I can feel myslef slowly turning into her no matter how hard I try. I am also still in some extended state of disbelief that this is really happening to me. I know it sounds dumb but really, why me? Haven't I had enough go wrong in my life for this to happen to me? I would be such a great mom and my DH would be such a great dad. My emotions are out of control and I now start to cry at the drop of a hat. I just wish this whole infertility thing had never happened.

[Anonymous]

I hear you. I feel the same way, only all of my friends (who are younger) already had two kids by now while I am still struggling (5 years and counting). I beat myself up that I haven't started the process sooner, did not go to the RE sooner, did not press for more aggressive treatments sooner, etc. However, I do try to be hopeful rather than bitter as much as I can although the time is running out for me (just turned 39).

[Anonymous]

Same here. I just received our third Baby Shower invitation this trimester...THIRD! I just don't feel like celebrating pregnancy announcements anymore. I'm officially the bitter friend =(

[Anonymous]

Trust me, OP, you are not alone. This whole thing is hugely depressing, and it's very difficult not to be bitter. I allow myself a few bitter days to wallow in my misery and that helps me for a while. I really want to be optimistic and happy for those who aren't in my position, but without the occasional vent, I don't think I can be.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried joining a support group? It sounds trite, but it really helped me. Resolve runs great support groups as does Lisa Eaves at Heal from Within.

[Anonymous]

I was starting to get really bitter, then I just decided to change my mindset and accept that I might actually be one of the unlucky ones. Sort of "why not me?" rather than "why me?". Sounds depressing, but it was actually empowering. I haven't given up hope, but I'm making certain that dh and I have a happy life, regardless of how it all shakes out. Also, at night I try to focus on all that I do have, and also pray for guidance and peace. Still not pregs, but I feel more sane. That said, I've done my fair share of wallowing!

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks for all of the comments. literally I just found out that ANOTHER FRIEND, 10 minutes ago, this time a close one is expecting number 2. for some reason this one really stings. my hands are like sweating and I am short of breath. This is just unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I've probably had a dozen friends have their #2s in the past year - not easy to hear about.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I have so been there. You will get through this.

[Anonymous]

A lot of times, I look at this as: I can't change nor control what is happening to me or what is happening to others, but I CAN control my reaction to it. I can be bitter and IF, or I can be not bitter and be IF.

[Anonymous]

I found thinking of it as "I want MY baby, not that friend's baby" as being helpful. When a friend announced her second while we were still struggling, it was much easier to take when I thought about how I would not want her baby because I wouldn't want her life. It's a little twisted, but it worked.

I would also second the Resolve support groups. They can be very helpful

[Anonymous]

OP: You're not alone! But to answer your question.....Couple of things work for me.

1) Thinking big picture. I'm a social worker, so am easily reminded every day of how lucky I am, for so many reasons.... born middle class, loving parents, educated, decent amount of common sense, found an awesome partner, etc...the list goes on. Perhaps you could think to yourself as you're lying in bed: "wow, what a freaking great bed I have, not to mention great roof!"
2) along the same lines as 11:53 poster above.... How many of your friends (or people you know) with kids would you actually trade your life with? Sure, I know a lot of people with kids, but they have their own set of problems for sure, even if you don't know it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I start to think "why me?" or "Life is so unfair," and then it dawns on me how arrogant that is considering how many good people in this world encounter strife much worse than mine. I know sometimes it is hard to take the focus off of yourself, but if you can muster it, it makes a world of difference. Imagine all the good people in the world who don't have a job, can't put food on the table, don't have a table on which to put food, have been diagnosed with a fatal disease, die in a senseless car accident, lose their children, parent, spouse too early in life, etc. Honestly, I know infertility is hard, but I think there is a lot of good in our lives too.

[Anonymous]

I'm a big believer in keeping a gratitude journal or literally just coming up with one "good thing" that happened that day and thinking about it as I drift off to bed. I can't remember where I've seen it, but I think there are lots of studies that say that taking time to be consciously grateful and appreciative can provide a big boost.

And yet for me, none of that was an effort to negate my negative feelings (disappointment, frustration, bitterness, envy etc.) Those feelings were very real and I couldn't have thought or talked myself out of them if I tried. So I didn't bother. I just tried to create a habit of adding positive and grateful thoughts into my daily routine, figuring they might naturally balance out the negative a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big believer in keeping a gratitude journal or literally just coming up with one "good thing" that happened that day and thinking about it as I drift off to bed. I can't remember where I've seen it, but I think there are lots of studies that say that taking time to be consciously grateful and appreciative can provide a big boost.

And yet for me, none of that was an effort to negate my negative feelings (disappointment, frustration, bitterness, envy etc.) Those feelings were very real and I couldn't have thought or talked myself out of them if I tried. So I didn't bother. I just tried to create a habit of adding positive and grateful thoughts into my daily routine, figuring they might naturally balance out the negative a bit.

I just love this. You are a very wise and warm-sounding person.