Can a child be super bonded to SAHM even if she is a bad mom?

[Anonymous]

I worry about my sister's parenting skills with my two nephews. I can't quite put my finger on it but the things she does worries me ... she's too impatient with them, she yells too loudly & too often, she is on the computer too long, she rarely plays with them, things like that. However, her youngest child (13 months old) is SUPER bonded to her. He only lets my sister and my BIL hold him, and if he is tired or cranky, then it is just her. What is your take on this?

[Anonymous]

My take is that you need to stop being so judgmental of your sister.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you necessarily need to be less judgemental of your sister. I mean, if I hired a nanny and she did this with my kids, I think I'd be pretty ticked off. Of course, I am SAHM-ing right now, and I definitely do not uphold the same standards that I expect from an employed day care provider. So, sure, some flexibility in your judgement of her is warrented, but don't have to be completely supportive of her lamest attributes. (I just asked my husband to "check" me when it sounds like I'm heading off the deep end: I like having someone else monitor and support me!)

Anyway, yeah, they can be super bonded. She's the mommy, after all.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Obvious response, MYOB

That said, I know it's hard to watch people raise their kids in a way that so far differs from what you think is appropriate, especially when it's your own family. It could be that her son is super bonded to her BECAUSE he is so desperate for her attention. Or maybe it's like a Stockholm syndrom sort of thing, and I'm only half joking.

Lots of kids survive (um, most of our generation) without constant attention from our parents. And many of us survived yelly short-tempered parents. If you're really close with her, maybe let her know that you've noticed she's been seeming a little short and you were wondering if everything is ok with her.

[Anonymous]

Of course. Even children with with very abusive parents love them and are often very attached. As children get older, they are less attached-- that's normal human development-- but with poor parenting the bond is probably lessened far more. So I think age matters a lot. Small children always want their mommies.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know she is hard on herself and perhaps that is what is swaying my view. She's also told me that being at home is tough on her. Everyone else - my BIL and my mom - thinks that she is a great mom.

[Anonymous]

FBFNFTM wrote:I wonder what the sister is saying about OP's parenting skills...

Who are you?! Did you join DCUM simply to be nasty? This is the second thread I've read where you've had nothing nice to say. Didn't you mother teach you the golden rule?

[Anonymous]

Of course. And really, your post rubbed me the wrong way, are you around enough to really know what your sister does with her kids all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worry about my sister's parenting skills with my two nephews. I can't quite put my finger on it but the things she does worries me ... she's too impatient with them, she yells too loudly & too often, she is on the computer too long, she rarely plays with them, things like that. However, her youngest child (13 months old) is SUPER bonded to her. He only lets my sister and my BIL hold him, and if he is tired or cranky, then it is just her. What is your take on this?

Yes. It is also none of your buiness unless you think your sister is an unfit mother and, if this is the case, then you should report her to proper authorities. If you have children she may think the same of you. Have you become the arbiter of perfect parenting to which we should all be judged?

[Anonymous]

An abused or neglected child may feel that there is nothing better than their own parent, being the reason why they may cling to their abuser, fearing that the alternative or unknown can only be worse.

[Anonymous]

Is this like Stockholm Syndrome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

FBFNFTM wrote:I wonder what the sister is saying about OP's parenting skills...

Who are you?! Did you join DCUM simply to be nasty? This is the second thread I've read where you've had nothing nice to say. Didn't you mother teach you the golden rule?

uhhh...who are you?!

If this is only the second thread that you have read where someone didn't say something nice...you haven't been here very long

Stick around .... the truth can sometimes be not so nice...

[Anonymous]

Children love their caregivers, even abusive ones - although it sounds as if that mother is not abusive at all.

1. Regularly model "good" parenting behavior in front of her and hope that she understands.
2. Help her organize physical and mental outlets for herself such as exercise, volunteering, etc.

[Anonymous]

What a dumb question: first, of course children can be bonded to bad parents; second, unnecessary inclusion of "SAHM" in the title/description; third, judgmental OP SIL. Ugh all the way around.