Mother offering to stay with husband and me for six months. Good idea?

[Anonymous]

I'm expecting my first baby late this summer. My mother, who lives abroad, has offered to come stay with my husband and me for the first six months. I'm a little concerned, though, about how this might work out. We live in a two-bedroom condo, and my mom and my husband are pretty opinionated people. Anybody have any thoughts about this?

[Anonymous]

Well, for starters, what's your husband's opinion on the subject?

[Anonymous]

I don't think he knows for sure. He thinks it's better to have family taking care of the baby, and he knows I have to go back to work after some time off after the baby's born. And he doesn't want to say "no" to me if I tell him I want my mother around. But I can tell he isn't 100% enthusiastic, either.

[Anonymous]

My MIL stayed with us for 6 months after our son was born. I was never so unhappy! She basically took over my child! But this was my MIL-not my mother. Although I can't see myself spending 6 months with my mom either.

[Anonymous]

On the one hand, it is nice to keep your child at home those first months...

On the other hand, I'd be in jail for matricide.

You said they are opinionated. The question I wonder about is how much spine do you have when faced with opinionated people?

Also, will your opinionated mother listen to your rules and follow them, or will she undermine? If the former, she'll simply be annoying. If the latter, this experience may be a disaster.

[Anonymous]

It worked for us. But I have an amazing spouse who is so understanding and easy to get along with, and a mother in law who insisted on maintaining a low profile (i.e., no shared meals, etc.) and kept to herself when not caring for the baby. The combination of the two personalities and shared desire to make it work for the sake of our DC was our recipe for success. I would be less concerned about the opinionated natures you refer to, and more concerned about making space for all concerned in what sounds like close quarters as it is. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs... and not to get all Dr. Phil on you, but how do you usually resolve problems when you have two opinionated people (one who raised you and one whom you chose to be with) weighing in? Do they each try to pull you to "their side" and leave you struggling for middle ground? If so, this is a formula for disaster with a baby -- especially a first baby -- involved.

I would just think about your history in dealing with these two, and how they deal with each other, and make your decision based on that. Remember: peace and harmony is what you want, and hormones and completely new routine is what you will have. Does having your mother there help or hinder the achievement of this goal?

[Anonymous]

I wish I could have had my MIL or mom stay with me for the first 6 mos. Even if we didn't agree with everything their help would have been invaluable. And so what if they want to "take over". They are also excited about the baby and their advice might come in handy, esp. when you have been up every 2-3 hours and are exhausted from lack of sleep. Your other alternative, is to pay a stranger to watch your your child. Yoour baby doesn't need it's own room when it is that young.

[Anonymous]

My MIL stayed with us for about 4 months - 1 month before delivery and 3 after. Though there were aspects of it that drove me nuts (as my husband, very sweetly but also very annoyingly, thought his mother was the BEST mother ever and knew EVERYTHING). We had our moments and I could not wait for her to leave...then our daughter got colicky and we had her come back one month later and stay for another 3 months. She was a great help with cooking and looking after baby and giving us a break when we needed it - the one month without her opened my own eyes to how much, in our case, the pros outweighed the cons. I learned to quietly put aside advice that I did not agree with or give appearances of giving it a try, and moving on. I also found that she was sometimes a good ally vis-a vis my hubby who was having a tough time coping with the colic.

As other PPs have noted, how it all works out for you in terms of balancing pros and cons will be specific to the dynamics between the different "characters". Perhaps you can suggest she stay a couple of months, see how it goes and, if well, invite her to stay longer.

[Anonymous]

Difficult ... there are two sides to this option. Yes, it is great that you have someone around who you trust and know and with a newborn you are always in need of an extra pair of hands. On the other hand, my experience with our firstborn was that we really needed to be together, just the three of us I mean. The arrival of the little one has such a huge impace that you will need time to adjust. With us it didn't always go to smoothly .. not that we were fighting but you have different ideas of you're just not sure of what you're doing and that can be stressful. If there is a third person around you will not be able to just be yourself and have your moments. If you're the type that doesn't care about this of your mother is the kind of person that will not interfere it could work but keep in mind that you mum is not in her own space either and she will have to adjust also and perhaps react differently to things than you're used to. 6 months is a long, long time ... A 2 bedroom condo is not very spacious I assume.
What will she be doing if you want to leave the house together (With baby). Does she expect to come along? Do you want her to come along? My friend had her mother and father for 3 months each but she felt obliged to take them along when they wanted to go out and be honest .. you don't want your mother there all the time do you. If you have a good understanding about these things then it could work but I would definitely have a good talk about it.

[Anonymous]

1. Do you get along with her and can talk to her? 2. Does DH get along with her and can talk to her? 3. Do you want it?

[Anonymous]

I've had both good and bad experiences. My mom came just after I gave birth and stayed for 1 week, and I was about to go out of my mind. It was not a very good experience at all. However, my MIL came when my daughter was 3 mo old, just as I was going to back to work, and stayed for six months. That worked out best. We had the bonding time that previous posters mentioned, and we were ready to share some of the load as well. What helped though, was that my MIL had the right attitude, tried not to be intrusive and judgmental and had the attitude that we were in control and she was just there to help. It was wonderful and my daughter has really bonded with her grandmother. It also helped to calm some of the fears for me of going back to work, since I knew that my dd was with family and was being well cared for. I think the bottom line however, all depends on your mother and your particular situation. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I wish I could have had my MIL or mom stay with me for the first 6 mos. Even if we didn't agree with everything their help would have been invaluable. And so what if they want to "take over". They are also excited about the baby and their advice might come in handy, esp. when you have been up every 2-3 hours and are exhausted from lack of sleep. Your other alternative, is to pay a stranger to watch your your child. Yoour baby doesn't need it's own room when it is that young.

The reality is often much different than the idea of it. I thought that I would love having my ILs come and help with the baby. We have always gotten along so well, and they are generally very respectful. But the reality is that their presence caused numerous more problems and wasn't really a "help." It's like they lost good sense when the baby came. It's all fine and well to write it off as excitment but when you are tired, hormonal, and someone is fighting with you over the care of your baby or disregarding your requests involving your baby, it is pretty difficult and unnecessary thing to deal with. Moreover, that's the kind of thing that really hurt our relationship.

On the other hand, my mom drives me batty on an everyday basis. She was worth 5 X her weight in gold during her visit. She did all the housework, offered to help with the baby as I NEEDED (very key), and generally tried to make our lives easier.

If I thought more closely about how each family was before I had the baby -- not just who is easier to get along with on an everyday basis -- I should have been able to predict more closely the reaction.

OP, you know your mom best. Your and baby's needs will adjust over time. How will mom react if you ask her to wash dishes rather than say holding baby? How will she react if the next week, you would prefer she walk the baby around instead of housework? How will each of you get privacy when/if you need? How will you handle conflict between your opinionated mother and opinionated husband?

[Anonymous]

From the OP: I really appreciate your sharing your experience with this. To answer the last question, when there is conflict between my opinionated mother and opinionated husband, I would say that I agree with my mother more than half the time, at least.

At times, the two of them can get on each others' nerves. She sometimes thinks he can be disrespectful of her, and he sometimes thinks that she is disrespectful of him.

[Anonymous]

What about when there's conflict between you and your opinionated mother? - that's the conflict that really matters.

Good luck, OP.