Anxiety re: having second child

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are trying to get pregnant with our second child. We both want another baby and feel it would be great for our son to have a sibling, and we are on the older side, so we don't have a whole lot of time to wait (DS is 17 months now and I'm 40). I should also mention that we need to do IVF in order to get pregnant and we've already started the meds to do a frozen embryo transfer later this month. I go through waves of thinking it's the best idea to being totally freaked out and afraid it will put too much stress on both me and my husband and take a toll on our marriage. We had a huge argument about the issue yesterday because we had a somewhat stressful morning with DS. DH was also stressed about work and was transferring some of the stress on to me (he later admitted). DH is in the process of trying to find another job that will allow him more family time in anticipation of having a second child, but in the meantime he works a lot, including some weekends, which doesn't leave us much family time, let alone time to get stuff done around the house, which was another factor in our "stress-induced" argument yesterday.

I'm not exactly sure what my real question is here, but I guess I'm looking for people who've had similar feelings before having baby #2. Sometimes I think that if I feel it will be really hard, why am I trying for a 2nd, but other times when I feel that if I don't try for this 2nd baby I'll regret it deeply later on. Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Check out the listserve archives. There was a big compilation of posts on this subject last Fall. Lots of encouraging words!

[Anonymous]

I have the same thoughts all the time! I had our son when I was 42-3 months shy of 43-and he's now 16 months. Most days, I'm not ready and neither is my husband. But then some days, I'm just not sure-but one thing I know for sure, is that if we do, we wouldn't TTC until our son is potty trained and in preschool. Then I'll be 45-and we might have waited too long.

I have the same worries as you-how would a #2 child affect our marriage. #1 child was definitely a stresser, for the first 6 months, but we got through it and are still close. We still manage to have our careers with only having one, not sure how we would manage with having 2. Then there's the cost of school, college. Then I think of my son growing up alone, only having us-and since I wasn't an only child, I don't know what it's like to grow up being the only child.

I do think though that we would adjust to having 2 children eventually-and be happy we did have another. I'm still waiting for our son to be potty trained-then we can decide.

[Anonymous]

PP here -- Yeah, the whole potty training thing is an issue, but not a deciding factor for timing. WHat are people's experiences with the 2nd child being easier or harder than you thought? I also forgot to mention I'm a SAHM, so most of the childcare responsibilities fall on me. I guess as a SAHM who's primary role is "mother" now, I want to be able to have more than one child and do it well. As sad as it is to admit, it's partially a "pride" thing in that I want to feel competent at what I do (which I do feel with 1 child) and don't want to admit I may not be able to handle more than one child. Am I crazy for thinking this way?

[Anonymous]

Good luck with the IVF. I hope the embie catches and you will have a second. You will never look back - it is more work but it is so rewarding. You will be happy you did it. And remember, 17 months vs 26 months of age is a HUUUGE difference in small kids - the first will be progresively more independent, easier to handle, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'd say go for it. Things can be so difficult when they are young because having a child is so very different from not having one (marriage stressor). Add in lack of sleep, and the constant neediness of a newborn and it is a wonder anyone ever has the second kid.

I had 3 kids in less than 4 years (my youngest is just 3 months now). I am so friggin' tired you cannot imagine. My house is a wreck. My 3.5 year old has probably eaten his weight in chicken nuggets. My husband & I have not been out to dinner by ourselves in about 2 years. I have not seen a movie in the theatre in over 3 years. BUT...

Seeing my 3.5 y.o. and 1.5 y.o. play together is hilarious and priceless. My 3 month old lights up when she sees me. I know this is as (physically) hard as it will get. Keep your sense of humor - it is what will get you through the times you want to hop a bus and leave it all behind.

I went through all of the same questions you did when deciding if we should have #3. Logically, it made more sense for us to stop at 2 but we just "wanted" another one. Now that we have 3, while still scared about money, time, sanity, etc. I am happier than I have ever been. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We had baby two 4 weeks ago and went through all of your emotions and, to be honest, we still do! And the fears are justified! Life had gotten so easy with our almost 2.5 year old and life seemed normal. So now we are back to this crazy life which is even more crazy because our daughter is having major issues adjusting. BUT, the little guy is very sweet and I know that at some point down the road I will see the two of them playing together, running together, laughing together and I will know it was the best decision we could have made! So go for it and best of luck with IVF!

[Anonymous]

We decided against #2. Hard decision. I realized that we can be great parents to one, not so attentive with 2. Also worry about the "only child" issue, but I was convinced when I took stock of all the sibling relationships around me. Not too close and not too friendly! Realized that having a sibling isn't necessarily a good thing. When I need someone, I turn to my husband and friends...rarely a sibling, and we actually like each other!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all your feedback. It's good to hear the thought processes that others have gone through or are going through now. I'm still anxious about it, of course, and probably will be even after I potentially give birth to baby #2, but I'm just trying to put things in perspective. I would hate to have another baby and regret it. I'm sure I'd never regret the actual child, but just the added stress that it puts on the family. I grew up in a family of 2, as did my husband, so it just seems to make sense to have 2 kids. Even though neither of us are terribly close with our siblings now (geographical distance, extremely different personalities, etc...), it was nice to have a sibling growing up. If I'm unable to get pregnant again, I will be able to accept that much easier since we already have a wonderful child, but I think I need to at least try and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We decided against #2. Hard decision. I realized that we can be great parents to one, not so attentive with 2. Also worry about the "only child" issue, but I was convinced when I took stock of all the sibling relationships around me. Not too close and not too friendly! Realized that having a sibling isn't necessarily a good thing. When I need someone, I turn to my husband and friends...rarely a sibling, and we actually like each other!

New poster, but I could have written the above. Sometimes, when I see babies, I still want a baby. But I don't really think I want the full reality of a second child and all that entails. We are fantastic parents to one child. And that's enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out the listserve archives. There was a big compilation of posts on this subject last Fall. Lots of encouraging words!

OP here -- not sure how to begin searching for this compilation, but would REALLY like to find it. Can anyone help me out?

[Anonymous]

Sure, if you don't mind posting your email address (or make up a fake one to use for just this if that is more comfortable for you), I'll be happy to send you the compilation as I was the one who wrote it. Just be careful, it made me cry!
Meanwhile, I'm due any day now with baby #2 so I might have another good cry reading through them before I send them out to you!
Or... just sign up for the listserve on this website and that will give you access to the archives. I believe it was called "Anxiety about 2nd Child."

[Anonymous]

11:38 poster, thanks for your honesty. You sound like you're doing great, and it is encouraging to hear your story!

[Anonymous]

One child = peace and easy
two children= controlled chaos.
three + = chaos.
I could not wait for the second and would have 10 more if DH agreed, he doesn't. We are too old anyway. I had my first at 38, second at just shy of 41. I do think about how easy and quite life was in our house before number 2 came alone, but it is worth the craziness to me. I guess it just depends on what kind of person you are. I have frineds that do not leave the house after the second comes, I found it easier to do things like that, just the noise level went up a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We decided against #2. Hard decision. I realized that we can be great parents to one, not so attentive with 2. Also worry about the "only child" issue, but I was convinced when I took stock of all the sibling relationships around me. Not too close and not too friendly! Realized that having a sibling isn't necessarily a good thing. When I need someone, I turn to my husband and friends...rarely a sibling, and we actually like each other!

New poster, but I could have written the above. Sometimes, when I see babies, I still want a baby. But I don't really think I want the full reality of a second child and all that entails. We are fantastic parents to one child. And that's enough.

I think this is the path we're taking too. When I hear about someone being pregnant-I think "Oh-maybe we should...." . Then I think of the first 6 months!