Please help a city person with suburban neighborhood politics

[Anonymous]

My family and I just moved to a suburban cul-de-sac and I have never lived in a neighborhood like this before (grew up in NYC, lived my entire adult life in Dupont). We moved in a week ago and I just got an invitation to one of those tupperware-esque, pyramid sales parties. I'd love to meet some women in the neighborhood but I'm both really, really shy and totally put off by this kind of thing. I'd much rather meet people in a more normal way. Do you think I have to go? Basically, I'm just concerned that they'll think I'm rude if I don't. Thanks for any advice!

[Anonymous]

I hate those "parties" and no, you don't have to go.

Here's an idea: Last week, some new neighbors moved onto our street and to our surprise and delight, they had a little celebration of their own. They put flyers in everyone's door inviting us to toast their move-in - we happily attended, bottle of wine in hand, and enjoyed meeting them and seeing other neighbors. It wasn't a lot of work for them - they put a few snacks on the diningroom table and opened some wine.

[Anonymous]

I too despise any "party" where I am expected to make a purchase. Most likely you're not going to meet like-minded people at this kind of event anyway. But as much as I hate to say it this might be a good way to at least meet some of the neighbors before the weather gets really cold, and whatever stupid thing they are selling can be a good default topic of conversation if you are shy. Realize that the tone of your post sounds a bit superior (not that I disagree with what you've said) and try not to let that come across when meeting your new neighbors. They may be different from your city friends but you never know who you will click with. When in Rome, right?

[Anonymous]

I have a neighbor who does that stuff and she always invites me and assures me I should just come, that I don't have to buy anything. Often I do go, and I have a glass of wine and chat and leave. I like my neighbor and like getting to see other women on my street I don't bump into that often. Sometimes these things are dreadful and sometimes they're nice excuses for a night out. I would probably go and see.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should go if you will resent going, feeling like you have to submit to this. I'm sure you will have plenty of other opportunities to meet people in the neighborhood. If you think you could use any of the products being sold, I suppose it wouldn't hurt for you to stop in. I think if you go, you should expect to buy something. These might not be your "type" of people though. But I'm finding now with a child, I'm having to be much more open to "types." Anyway, don't go if you really don't want to. Not worth it!

[Anonymous]

I would politely decline in a way that makes it clear you are open to all future invitations... lie as to why you aren't going and say "prior commitment.

I can't imagine gaining anything from going to one of those parties if you aren't the type. There are people who do those things, and then the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

OP here...Yikes! Not at all superior, just not at all familiar with neighborhoods where people interact a lot. Thanks for all of the advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...Yikes! Not at all superior, just not at all familiar with neighborhoods where people interact a lot. Thanks for all of the advice!

This is funny. Wasn't there someone on here recently worried about leaving DC because her neighborhood was so friendly, and she worried the suburbs wouldn't have a sense of community and be friendly? DC is known for being cosmopolitan, but so much of our perspective is shaped by our immediate neighborhoods.

[Anonymous]

You WILL find your niche. I also grew up in NYC and this is a whole new ballgame. I call it vanilla. I often times get a blank look from people. When I moved to the neighborhood I am in, I got some valuable advice. Every nut in the world who needs a friend will come calling. Take your time.....take in what you see. Decide who and when you want to extend yourself. It takes time.....maybe a couple of years.....but hang in there. Volunteer at the kids school. Go to your playground. Go to library activities. My Gym seems to be kind of big. It's not for me.

Follow your instincts.

[Anonymous]

I hate these parties, but do attend this BS nonsense from time to time...and sometimes I'll buy some junk as well.

Mostly just goodwill, way to get to know people, blah blah blah - but I think they are a LOAD OF CRAP!

No one will think less of you if you don't go- I agree with prior commitment...

The other problem with these parties, is once you go to one, you get invited to more...

[Anonymous]

Aversion to these parties is not limited to those who grew up in urban areas. I'm a Jersey girl and they make my skin crawl too. Fortunately, in over 10 years in our Chevy Chase (MD) n-hood, I've been invited to only one. Unfortunately, I have a circle of friends who live in another n-hood nearby where there are many such events. In both cases, I've accepted some, but not all, invitations from dear friends and have found, to my surprise, that I enjoyed myself and -- real shocker here -- enjoyed the items I purchased (a necklace which has garnered many compliments, an excellent paring knife, and an omelette pan that I love.

Since you're new to the n-hood and don't know the hosts, your situation is a little different from mine, but I'd still urge you to go and to take a positive attitude with you. Don't assume you won't like the "type" of woman you'll meet; in fact, I think you'll be surprised in this regard. There are plenty of interesting, vital and fun women who happen to live in the 'burbs -- I mean, you're a suburbanite now, aren't you? And, if you're lucky, your n-hood will be like mine and there won't be too many more events like this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too despise any "party" where I am expected to make a purchase. Most likely you're not going to meet like-minded people at this kind of event anyway. But as much as I hate to say it this might be a good way to at least meet some of the neighbors before the weather gets really cold, and whatever stupid thing they are selling can be a good default topic of conversation if you are shy. Realize that the tone of your post sounds a bit superior (not that I disagree with what you've said) and try not to let that come across when meeting your new neighbors. They may be different from your city friends but you never know who you will click with. When in Rome, right?

I'm curious - and not trying to be snarky - just what was it about OPs post that made you think she sounded 'superior'. I've read and re-read her post and for the life of me I can't see what made you think that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too despise any "party" where I am expected to make a purchase. Most likely you're not going to meet like-minded people at this kind of event anyway. But as much as I hate to say it this might be a good way to at least meet some of the neighbors before the weather gets really cold, and whatever stupid thing they are selling can be a good default topic of conversation if you are shy. Realize that the tone of your post sounds a bit superior (not that I disagree with what you've said) and try not to let that come across when meeting your new neighbors. They may be different from your city friends but you never know who you will click with. When in Rome, right?

I'm curious - and not trying to be snarky - just what was it about OPs post that made you think she sounded 'superior'. I've read and re-read her post and for the life of me I can't see what made you think that.

I don't see it either.

[Anonymous]

Not the poster you quoted, but I think part of the problem was the assumption that this type of party is just part of life in the suburbs. Come on, it happens in the city too! And the subject line sounds a little snide--"suburban neighborhood politics"? Isnlt the key to getting along with neighbors pretty much the same wherevee you live? (Sorry about typos--sitting at doctor's office with dilated pupils and not much to do.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the poster you quoted, but I think part of the problem was the assumption that this type of party is just part of life in the suburbs. Come on, it happens in the city too! And the subject line sounds a little snide--"suburban neighborhood politics"? Isnlt the key to getting along with neighbors pretty much the same wherevee you live? (Sorry about typos--sitting at doctor's office with dilated pupils and not much to do.)

The point is if you live on a busy city block, many times you rarely see or even know your neighbors. On a cul-de-sac I would imagine interaction is frequent and familiar.