Kids with ASD at private college-prep high schools

[Anonymous]

If you have or had a child with ASD/ADHD and they went to a mainstream college-prep private high school, could you kindly share your experience. How was it socially and academically? Our local public has not been great for a number of reasons, and special needs schools in the past were not academically-challenging enough. They are set to start 9th grade at a mainstream private that is not academically competitive by reputation, but my kid will still need some supports. Socially, I'm a bit worried as he presents a bit naive and young for his age. Any helpful advice or things we can do over the summer to prepare him?

[Anonymous]

We have a really smart kid who sounds like yours. Academically our child did great at St. Andrew’s. Socially it was terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have or had a child with ASD/ADHD and they went to a mainstream college-prep private high school, could you kindly share your experience. How was it socially and academically? Our local public has not been great for a number of reasons, and special needs schools in the past were not academically-challenging enough. They are set to start 9th grade at a mainstream private that is not academically competitive by reputation, but my kid will still need some supports. Socially, I'm a bit worried as he presents a bit naive and young for his age. Any helpful advice or things we can do over the summer to prepare him?

Think it depends on the school. Bullis, for example, has large grade levels and we’ve heard that kids tend to find their friends.

[Anonymous]

I keep hearing that there are kids with ASD/ADHD at all the mainstream privates, but it seems like they can do ok academically but never can fit in socially. Is there anything to prepare them?

[Anonymous]

Can you send him to st anselm’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep hearing that there are kids with ASD/ADHD at all the mainstream privates, but it seems like they can do ok academically but never can fit in socially. Is there anything to prepare them?

Unfortunately, it’s the nature of the beast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep hearing that there are kids with ASD/ADHD at all the mainstream privates, but it seems like they can do ok academically but never can fit in socially. Is there anything to prepare them?

There are a few kids in every grade my kids are in at our mainstream private. My oldest is in middle school. My oldestchild has ADHD and anxiety (potentially ASD but unclear).

The kids with ASD are doing well socially and academically (according to the parents). The school does a lot to support the kids, and socially it’s such a small pool that kids are usually at least ok to each other. The kids with ASD seem to all have a friend group (definitely obvious on the play ground and at birthday parties).

But these kids have all been at our school since K or early elementary school, when the adults at the school can do a lot more to support friendships between the kids. I’m not sure how it would go for new kids with ASD who enter in high school.

[Anonymous]

Pp, could you kindly share which school this is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep hearing that there are kids with ASD/ADHD at all the mainstream privates, but it seems like they can do ok academically but never can fit in socially. Is there anything to prepare them?

There are a few kids in every grade my kids are in at our mainstream private. My oldest is in middle school. My oldestchild has ADHD and anxiety (potentially ASD but unclear).

The kids with ASD are doing well socially and academically (according to the parents). The school does a lot to support the kids, and socially it’s such a small pool that kids are usually at least ok to each other. The kids with ASD seem to all have a friend group (definitely obvious on the play ground and at birthday parties).

But these kids have all been at our school since K or early elementary school, when the adults at the school can do a lot more to support friendships between the kids. I’m not sure how it would go for new kids with ASD who enter in high school.

Usually elementary school is kinder and parents can facilitate more, but by 4th/5th relationships require more interpersonal awareness and social deftness, especially with girls (honestly, with girls you can really see cliques forming in first grade). There is much less pressure to “include everyone” outside of school even if peer relationships in school are congenial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep hearing that there are kids with ASD/ADHD at all the mainstream privates, but it seems like they can do ok academically but never can fit in socially. Is there anything to prepare them?

There are a few kids in every grade my kids are in at our mainstream private. My oldest is in middle school. My oldestchild has ADHD and anxiety (potentially ASD but unclear).

The kids with ASD are doing well socially and academically (according to the parents). The school does a lot to support the kids, and socially it’s such a small pool that kids are usually at least ok to each other. The kids with ASD seem to all have a friend group (definitely obvious on the play ground and at birthday parties).

But these kids have all been at our school since K or early elementary school, when the adults at the school can do a lot more to support friendships between the kids. I’m not sure how it would go for new kids with ASD who enter in high school.

Usually elementary school is kinder and parents can facilitate more, but by 4th/5th relationships require more interpersonal awareness and social deftness, especially with girls (honestly, with girls you can really see cliques forming in first grade). There is much less pressure to “include everyone” outside of school even if peer relationships in school are congenial.

Pp here. Yes, even by 3rd grade the parents can’t do much. My oldest is going to high school soon and the mean girls/mean boys is definitely in effect, and their are definitely clear friend groups.

All that being said, ASD kids in my oldest’s grade seem to have friend groups. I am close friends with two of the parents and their children have a group (different groups). My DC (who struggles socially) has a few friends and gets invited to 2-3 birthday parties each year (at this age, they are very small so only good friends are invited and it’s not driven by parents at all). I see similar in my younger kids grades.

The caveat being that kids who need some more support likely leave (by their own choice or being counseled out-the school does keep that private), so in some ways the folks who are still here are the kids who are able to do well with the supports the school does offer.

I personally see DC’s social struggles a lot more at summer camp, where the kids are dropping in based on interests and there is no longer history. That’s why I made the comment about how I’m not sure how new kids with ASD would do socially at our school if they come in after early elementary ages - the school can’t do that much other than offer clubs, and parents let their kids lead on developing friendships.

[Anonymous]

Probably the best thing you can do is get your ASD kid into PEERS or some social skills group for teens. I did this too late in the game with my DD17. She had a hard time socially at her private but academically was strong. No bullying or anything; she lacked skills to relate to her peers.

[Anonymous]

Field. terrible experience. Kid was exceptional intellectually and the teachers were less informed and surprisingly rigid. Flexible on deadlines. Warm. But intolerant of any requests for accommodations like taking breaks which most asd kids need. Had we thought kid was being challenged by inspiring role models we would have been more satisfied but instead we found the entire environment to be “ fake warm” with an admin that clearly plays favorites. ASD kids can be hard to like. Field School heads basically cherry pick who they like… and are downright supplicant to new wealthy full pay families. Didn’t find teachers that seem to have read history. Know the news or have any intellectual sophistication. Mediocre experience at ridiculous price. The school can’t decide who it’s for. It’s desperate to be like Maret but it’s….not. Very welcoming of trans kids though.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear the bad experience at Field as the families I know who have kids there are very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Field. terrible experience. Kid was exceptional intellectually and the teachers were less informed and surprisingly rigid. Flexible on deadlines. Warm. But intolerant of any requests for accommodations like taking breaks which most asd kids need. Had we thought kid was being challenged by inspiring role models we would have been more satisfied but instead we found the entire environment to be “ fake warm” with an admin that clearly plays favorites. ASD kids can be hard to like. Field School heads basically cherry pick who they like… and are downright supplicant to new wealthy full pay families. Didn’t find teachers that seem to have read history. Know the news or have any intellectual sophistication. Mediocre experience at ridiculous price. The school can’t decide who it’s for. It’s desperate to be like Maret but it’s….not. Very welcoming of trans kids though.

Similar experience at Field

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep hearing that there are kids with ASD/ADHD at all the mainstream privates, but it seems like they can do ok academically but never can fit in socially. Is there anything to prepare them?

The social demands of high school are extraordinary complex, and I just don’t think it’s possible or realistic for most kids with ASD to manage them. Many NT kids really struggle. The rules are unspoken, subtle, and change constantly.

My dc with ASD also had a rough time socially in HS. If I were doing it over I would probably choose a sped or alternative school and/or focus more on finding activities outside of school keyed to his interests so he had a different peer group beyond the school.

He was involved in one time-consuming school based activity, which was good for awhile, but then he was manipulated into doing something he shouldn’t have because of dynamics with classmates and his desire for their approval.