What to do with a FTL sibling when parent pass?

[Anonymous]

I've seen a few posts about ftl children in their 20s, but does anyone have a ftl sibling over 50? If they live with or off of a parent and there is no money tree in the backyard what happens when the parent(s) passes?
DH's brother currently lives with their mother. Father passed 3 years ago. She is in ill health. He has no income, no job since c. 2010 and the one he had wasn't the kind that offered a 401k. What happens when shen she dies? Whatever monthly income from retirement and ss is done and his cut of any remaining savings is it. They are not the type to sit down and talk and plan and confront. I'm horrified at the thought of a man child 11 years older than I am, who has chosen to live like a carefree middle of the pack high schooler becoming our responsibility because he knows nothing else.
To give you the rundown, FTL-in-law:
-is the middle of 3. Oldest is a "jr" and considered the superstar child, but all that glitters is not gold. He was always on a get rich quick scheme. None ever worked, not even close. Also, I noticed pretty quickly after first meeting him that nothing was ever his fault in business or in life and he was very gossipy and judgy, something that his parents never noticed or admitted out loud. We recently found out over the years he has "borrowed" $ from his parents/mom a number of times and never paid any of it back. DH has always been disgusted the oldest bro was considered the bees knees (and imo a fraud) and ftl bro was coddled mercilessly and his parents made excuses for both of them. DH was pretty independent from a young age, has never borrowed money and held solid, legit jobs his entire life.
-has not been diagnosed with anything that prohibited him from working or living as an independent adult or being around people (he has friends and socializes), meaning he saw many doctors for many things over the years and not one has declared him with any condition or issue other than being a spoiled manbaby.
-never lacked companionship. Ladies, is it that bad out there that a jobless man who lives with his mom and her cats and has no money and a child he didn't raise nor saw = ideal boyfriend? The kicker is his gf's have had jobs and their own place and some had children! They know he does nothing or has nothing yet he had the upper hand. One from years ago even reached out to us ask what he was up to lately!
I've been told I have no poker face and was constantly asked if I was feeling okay or what was wrong whenever I saw the family and especially the girlfriend dynamic.

All that and so much more, but has anyone planned for a FTL sibling once whomever is funding them cannot anymore?

[Anonymous]

It really depends on your DH and what promises his mother will make him keep. If she doesn’t leave a trust fund for him, you are not on the hook to do anything except give him his share of inheritance.
However it’s usually sentimental stuff that saddles siblings with care.
Personally if I had an in law like this and was free to act, I’d just give him his share and block any further contact. For my own sibling I’d try to secure a modest roof over their head.

Btw you may have issues with him insisting to stay in the house and blocking the sale and division of estate, while your humble DH does nothing.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he'll just find a gf to leech off of. I guess that if the inheritance is small and you don't need it, your husband can give BIL his share. 10k or something might mean much more to him than you.

[Anonymous]

Talk with your DH now about the fact that you don’t want to be involved in supporting your BIL in any way. Be clear and united, and when the time comes be consistent and steadfast. BIL will figure something out. It’s not your DH’s responsibility and it’s not your responsibility.

I agree with PP that he will find a woman to grift off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he'll just find a gf to leech off of. I guess that if the inheritance is small and you don't need it, your husband can give BIL his share. 10k or something might mean much more to him than you.

Why would he do that? The brother will just squander it anyway

[Anonymous]

Also why is everyone so optimistic that he’ll find another host? He’ll bring a girlfriend into the house and refuse to leave!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he'll just find a gf to leech off of. I guess that if the inheritance is small and you don't need it, your husband can give BIL his share. 10k or something might mean much more to him than you.

Why would he do that? The brother will just squander it anyway

I just feel like if it's a nominal (for DCUM) amount, whatever number would not make a difference to OP's life, then it's a way to have clean hands, to give BIL that money and always be able to say "hey, we gave you our share of the estate, there's nothing more we can do." And I would give advice on using that money to pay for a few months to start in a cheap apartment and offer to help him find a job. And if BIL wastes it, it's on him. This is all assuming that OP and DH are typical UMC and the estate is small, to them.

[Anonymous]

Agreed, he'll find a woman. Fake older brother will kick him out of the house because he'll want his share of the house and clearly has no problem being an a** to people.

Though if FTL bro can get away with it, he will do everything possible to stay in the house. He'll try to guilt your DH into helping him. He knows older bro won't do squat.

[Anonymous]

I have a FTL sibling turning 60. He lived with my mom for 20+ years after his divorce. He does hold an hourly wage job, but it is not enough to live independently.

Two years ago, we started planning for my mom to downsize to senior living. Part of the plan was figuring out what to do with my brother.

We sent in many applications for affordable housing for my sibling, both to rent and to own, and finally, we were able to land a very nice unit in a fairly upscale condo complex, and helped my brother move out. Think of the support akin to helping a child apply for and leave for college.

My sibling hasn't been "diagnosed" with anything, but he comes from a generation in which many health issues were not acknowledged. I suspect ADHD, anxiety, and possibly ASD, just based on the rest of the family's history, so I try to provide support with that in mind.

With his job and eventual SS, he should be able to live independently.🤞🤞

It's good that you are thinking about this now. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Failure to launch shouldn’t be a word. Why can’t adults choose to live the way they want?

[Anonymous]

OP, what is the estate worth? Is it possible that the mom will leave the whole thing to FTL son "because he needs it more than the others?"

[Anonymous]

My uncle was like this. However, he was handy and did chores.

He was the full elder care solution until my grandparents needed a nursing home.

Eventually he received his inheritance and moved in with an old girlfriend he was already dating. He worked on properties she owned and they rented them for income. That ended after about 20 years.

Somewhere in his 60s, he did enough work to qualify for Social Security so he gets that.

He lives in a house that's 50% owned by a friend that he purchased with his remaining assets.

So far he's still able to support himself. But he's been deficit spending for decades (has run through assets and property appreciation gains realized from property sale).

He's still a bit of a chick magnet. Social capital is worth something in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Failure to launch shouldn’t be a word. Why can’t adults choose to live the way they want?

If an adult is not being an adult, but keeps living at home supported by elderly parents, that doesn't seem like that should be supported. I do know of a guy who lives with his elderly parents, but he pays all the bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he'll just find a gf to leech off of. I guess that if the inheritance is small and you don't need it, your husband can give BIL his share. 10k or something might mean much more to him than you.

Why would he do that? The brother will just squander it anyway

I just feel like if it's a nominal (for DCUM) amount, whatever number would not make a difference to OP's life, then it's a way to have clean hands, to give BIL that money and always be able to say "hey, we gave you our share of the estate, there's nothing more we can do." And I would give advice on using that money to pay for a few months to start in a cheap apartment and offer to help him find a job. And if BIL wastes it, it's on him. This is all assuming that OP and DH are typical UMC and the estate is small, to them.

Okay, that makes sense! Give a little so that you aren’t asked for more down the road

[Anonymous]

If he actually did eldercare, that makes him less of a failure. It's really, really beneficial for an elderly person to have another adult on the premises even if that person isn't very high-functioning.

He will find a woman to glom onto. But you might need legal advice to get him out of the house-- if he's a 1/3 owner but can't buy out the other brothers, I don't know what that means for getting him out.

If you think your DH will be wanting to support his brother, the best thing to do is start tying up your own household's money. Up your retirement contribution and 529s. Get some long-term CDs. Anything you can do to reduce the amount of money available.