What does falling in love feel like in your late thirties and forties?

[Anonymous]

Do you still have that instant attraction?
Do you want to be with them all the time? Do you think about them all the time?
What about sex?

[Anonymous]

Yes - instant attraction and think about him all the time and want him all the time and want to touch him all the time. When we are together in public, we hold hands nonstop, and when we sleep, we hug or hold hands too. I really miss him right now but we are going on a two week trip soon, and I so much hope to get enough of him finally 😄 We are in our 40s.

[Anonymous]

I am a man who had this happen mid-40s. Worth noting this was five-years post-divorce after doing the typical post-divorce sleeping around spree, which I now mostly regret after what I have now.

[Anonymous]

Ohhh this is a good question

[Anonymous]

Happens in your 50s 60s 70s and on, too. Same thing. Same way.

I will say viagra makes an appearance after a certain age for most men, and 40s is not yoo young for that.

[Anonymous]

Tiring

[Anonymous]

The same. The exact same.

[Anonymous]

So good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you still have that instant attraction?
Do you want to be with them all the time? Do you think about them all the time?
What about sex?

For me, no.

I spent a long time getting more comfortable with being single, developing my own life, pursuing new interests, etc. I also spent a lot of time figuring out why my relationships never last.

So now my non-negotiable are:

1. Take things extremely slowly, because I need to get to know them as a person before getting attached. I used to rush into things because of the instant attraction, my nervous system would freak out, I’d get extremely anxious/insecure, and then eventually their true colors would come out and if they weren’t right for me, I was already too attached to easily end things.

2. I do not alter my life to spend all my time with them. I used to be one of those women who dropped everything else when she got a new man. I started becoming very resentful and stressed out, because I lost my identity and felt I had to spend all of my time with them. So now I keep strict boundaries - the other things in my life are my top priority, and dating fits in around that. I’m much happier this way.

3. Sex has gotten both better and worse. Better as in, when everything lines up and we have chemistry, I feel secure, etc, it is completely mind blowing. Better than anything I had in my 20s/30s. Plus as I’ve gotten older, I’m less self-conscious, less focused on centering the man, more focused on my own pleasure, and there’s a much deeper soul connection, not just physical. It’s truly an amazing, soul-nourishing, mind-altering experience.

Worse in that, I just can’t do mediocre sex or hookups anymore. When I was younger and it was just about getting off, sure. But now I need that connection as well. I didn’t have that with the last couple men I dated, and sex was pretty awful as a result. Just mechanical and going through the motions. They were great, nice guys, but just not available on a more spiritual level, plus had unrealistic expectations of how much time I could spend on dating them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you still have that instant attraction?
Do you want to be with them all the time? Do you think about them all the time?
What about sex?

For me, no.

I spent a long time getting more comfortable with being single, developing my own life, pursuing new interests, etc. I also spent a lot of time figuring out why my relationships never last.

So now my non-negotiable are:

1. Take things extremely slowly, because I need to get to know them as a person before getting attached. I used to rush into things because of the instant attraction, my nervous system would freak out, I’d get extremely anxious/insecure, and then eventually their true colors would come out and if they weren’t right for me, I was already too attached to easily end things.

2. I do not alter my life to spend all my time with them. I used to be one of those women who dropped everything else when she got a new man. I started becoming very resentful and stressed out, because I lost my identity and felt I had to spend all of my time with them. So now I keep strict boundaries - the other things in my life are my top priority, and dating fits in around that. I’m much happier this way.

3. Sex has gotten both better and worse. Better as in, when everything lines up and we have chemistry, I feel secure, etc, it is completely mind blowing. Better than anything I had in my 20s/30s. Plus as I’ve gotten older, I’m less self-conscious, less focused on centering the man, more focused on my own pleasure, and there’s a much deeper soul connection, not just physical. It’s truly an amazing, soul-nourishing, mind-altering experience.

Worse in that, I just can’t do mediocre sex or hookups anymore. When I was younger and it was just about getting off, sure. But now I need that connection as well. I didn’t have that with the last couple men I dated, and sex was pretty awful as a result. Just mechanical and going through the motions. They were great, nice guys, but just not available on a more spiritual level, plus had unrealistic expectations of how much time I could spend on dating them.

Dating over 40 isn’t for everyone, and you seem like someone who has different priorities in life.

[Anonymous]

I date multiple men at a time, and take my own time to get to know them. Values, interests, life plans. I don’t allow emotions or sex hormones overtake me until I truly see the person fit well in my life long term

I prefer monogamy but I can fall in love with different men at a time and enjoy my time with them.

[Anonymous]

After being married for 20 years I also thought that after a certain age the chemicals just don’t hit the way they did in your 20s. I was wrong, it still hits like a ton of bricks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you still have that instant attraction?
Do you want to be with them all the time? Do you think about them all the time?
What about sex?

For me, no.

I spent a long time getting more comfortable with being single, developing my own life, pursuing new interests, etc. I also spent a lot of time figuring out why my relationships never last.

So now my non-negotiable are:

1. Take things extremely slowly, because I need to get to know them as a person before getting attached. I used to rush into things because of the instant attraction, my nervous system would freak out, I’d get extremely anxious/insecure, and then eventually their true colors would come out and if they weren’t right for me, I was already too attached to easily end things.

2. I do not alter my life to spend all my time with them. I used to be one of those women who dropped everything else when she got a new man. I started becoming very resentful and stressed out, because I lost my identity and felt I had to spend all of my time with them. So now I keep strict boundaries - the other things in my life are my top priority, and dating fits in around that. I’m much happier this way.

3. Sex has gotten both better and worse. Better as in, when everything lines up and we have chemistry, I feel secure, etc, it is completely mind blowing. Better than anything I had in my 20s/30s. Plus as I’ve gotten older, I’m less self-conscious, less focused on centering the man, more focused on my own pleasure, and there’s a much deeper soul connection, not just physical. It’s truly an amazing, soul-nourishing, mind-altering experience.

Worse in that, I just can’t do mediocre sex or hookups anymore. When I was younger and it was just about getting off, sure. But now I need that connection as well. I didn’t have that with the last couple men I dated, and sex was pretty awful as a result. Just mechanical and going through the motions. They were great, nice guys, but just not available on a more spiritual level, plus had unrealistic expectations of how much time I could spend on dating them.

Dating over 40 isn’t for everyone, and you seem like someone who has different priorities in life.

PP. I do enjoy dating, but it’s just not my #1 priority above all else.

I recently dated a younger (early 30s) man and had forgotten how much your self-definition is wrapped up in dating when you’re younger. He wanted to spend all our free time together, talk on the phone, text all day, go away every weekend, etc. I remember that being the norm when I was younger but it feels suffocating now.

I enjoy having a well rounded life, and I prefer dating someone with the same. I don’t want to be somebody’s “everything”.

[Anonymous]

Grow up

[Anonymous]

The attraction wasn't instant. He needed to get past my post-divorce mess, after a marriage where I was routinely ignored, talked over, deprioritized, belittled, etc.

He spent a year being kind and attentive and demanding nothing. I spent that year learning to trust him, when I didn't even realize that I needed it. Once the switch flipped, yeah, we were all over each other. Couldn't get enough-- of company, of sex, sending each other every little thing that made us think of the other. The world suddenly held more opportunity: If I saw a new restaurant opening, I'd immediately want to go there with him, whereas I might have ignored it before.

Cheesy? Yeah. Real? Yes, still real, proven by our upcoming 10 year anniversary.