How to you balance instilling values with not lecturing?

[Anonymous]

As my kid enters upper elementary school, she confides in me less and less. I want to be someone she can always talk to, but if I state my opinion or ask any questions, she often shuts down, says, “I knew you’d say that,” or accuses me of lecturing her.

If I just listen without questioning or stating my opinion, how do I impart my moral?

For example, sometimes she’ll tell a story and I will wonder if she was being kind or if she misinterpreted a comment. If I ask for clarification she gets annoyed. But if I don’t, I miss an opportunity to get her to think more deeply about her values. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Modeling works! When I talk about my own life I’m careful to think about what she’s hearing. Kids are great listeners, but not good yet at interpreting what they hear. So being mindful of how you represent yourself in your own story helps her take away the right message.

[Anonymous]

Agree -- lead by example.

Also as my kid gets older I find it's VERY effective to talk to her about my own experiences and how I handled them (including mistakes I made). It's so much more meaningful than just lecturing about what they should do. When they understand you've been there, you've dealt with similar challenges, they will have something meaningful to rely on when they are making their own choices. It ceases to be a lecture and becomes earned wisdom.

Also I admit when I'm wrong. One thing that comes up a lot is that my kid will ask for advice on a tricky situation and I will say something like "maybe you could tell that friend [abc]" or "can you tell the teacher [xyz]", and she will tell me that it's just not how kids talk or that it doesn't feel authentic to her. When she tells me this I always course correct and say yes, of course, it needs to be her words. If you just tell them what to do and it doesn't feel right, you can't just double down or argue over it. Instead you talk about principles and values and tell them it's up to them about how they express those. They will find the words that feel right to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As my kid enters upper elementary school, she confides in me less and less. I want to be someone she can always talk to, but if I state my opinion or ask any questions, she often shuts down, says, “I knew you’d say that,” or accuses me of lecturing her.

If I just listen without questioning or stating my opinion, how do I impart my moral?

For example, sometimes she’ll tell a story and I will wonder if she was being kind or if she misinterpreted a comment. If I ask for clarification she gets annoyed. But if I don’t, I miss an opportunity to get her to think more deeply about her values. Thoughts?

Listen without judgement or comment. Instead of offering your perspective, first be empathetic to her feelings, then if it makes sense, ask her in a non-judgmental way her thoughts on the particular situation. Give her the chance to arrive at the right answers on her own- accept that it may take time and experience and she'll fumble through making some "wrong" choices or conclusions.
My son is nineteen and he called from college his first semester after becoming disorganized and forgetting a test date. He was nearly in tears and the first thing he said was "I know (meaning he knew he was at fault), but I need you to be my mom right now."

[Anonymous]

Your actions are important.

No one ever wants to hear this but you learn a lot about values in religious services.

[Anonymous]

Why would you assume she's not being kind or that she misinterpreted something?

[Anonymous]

Ask open ended questions that don't have a right or wrong answer, like "what are some different ways to deal with this situation, or is there nothing to do at this point?".
When she describes a situation ask her what she thinks the other person was feeling or thinking, like "do you think she meant what she said?".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you assume she's not being kind or that she misinterpreted something?

It does seem like you are being opposional to the version of the story your child is describing. Why is that?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I continue discussing the moral we would want to impart, but on the level at which adults would discuss it.

This may or may not be "working" in the sense of "open kid's brain, pour in morality tale," but the kid seems to hang around to hear the conversation.

Can you give a recent example of what you've been accused of lecturing about?

[Anonymous]

I think kids have excellent radar. If adults don't mess it up.

[Anonymous]

I am very careful to talk to my teens as I wouldn’t friend. By which I mean, I assume the story is exactly as they are telling it and then figure out if they want me to listen or offer advice.

If they just want me to listen, but I have real concerns about something, I will bring it up later. As in, “I’ve been thinking about that thing you told me, and I was wondering…”

Sometimes they do want advice in the moment, but I make sure before offering- “Do you want to know what I think?”

[Anonymous]

You don't teach values by lecturing. You teach them first by living them, and second by asking questions. How did she feel? Why does she think the other person said that? How does she think they felt? Is she happy with how she handled it? Does she think she could have handled it another way? What would she say if someone said that to her? You guide her to think about people and situations rather than telling her what to think.