Does anyone else's mom get depressed over the death of frenemies?
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Anonymous
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My mother has always been prickly. She can be charming and funny, but she gossips and behind closed doors she always complained incessantly about "friends" and was competitive with them. She also ventures into toxic territory and A LOT of her friends/frenemies drifted away because most people just want to be surrounded by genuinely kind people as they age. Over the years she will hear about the death a so called friend she didn't really seem to like who she rarely kept in touch with and she gets all upset and nostalgic and wants comfort. I take the high road and refrain from reminding her all she did was gossip about and disparage the person, but I also cannot be her source of comfort beyond "I am sorry to hear that." She won't get therapy or any of that. It is almost fascinating to me how she re-writes the past and seems shocked she wasn't invited to the funeral despite the fact the friendship drifted or ended so long ago. Does anyone else have a parent who does this?
I shouldn't be surprised because she was even the same way with dad, but they stayed married. She seemed to hate him most of the time (most of my life) and we had to get placed in memory care because of her emotional and verbal abuse as he declined, yet if you listened to her you would think they had the ideal relationship and she does all sorts of things in his honor and will cry talking about him. It's almost disturbing because he was terrified of her until we got him out of that house. |
Anonymous
| Having a frenemy requires being invested in the person. |
Anonymous
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Personality disorder.
My mother would have downright loved the attention she could have received if I had died as a kid. It's a similar thing --your mom is 1) wanting attention, and 2) enjoying getting all weepy. Don't give her anything beyond "Sorry to hear that." |
Anonymous
| Some people get dopamine from conflict and drama. And yes she's hyping things up to get your attention. |
Anonymous
| She's mentally ill and you're not going to change her now. |
Anonymous
+1, love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Something about these women interested her and attracted her. If she was indifferent to them, she wouldn't have talked about them so much and paid so much attention to what they did. Of course their deaths are impacting her, she likely defined herself in opposition to them for a long time. It's not healthy but it is understandable IMO. I don't have any "frenemies" because I believe in transparency in relationships and wouldn't hold onto a pretend friendship with someone I didn't like. But I do have a former friend from years ago who I had a falling out with. We are not friends and don't keep in touch but I do sometimes think about how I'll feel when she dies. Morbid, I know, but I also know I'll grieve her in some perverse way. Even though I'm glad we're not friends. She hurt me a long time ago, and while I've ultimately forgiven her for what she did (we've both just moved on so much it seems silly to hold onto it) that strange connection remains. One day maybe she'll cross my mind and I'll look her up and find out she died (if I don't die first) and I know I'll have weird feelings about it and I'll mourn her in some way, even though we havent' been friends for 20+ years. |
Anonymous
| I have sort of an adjacent issue. My mom has a lot of estrangements in her family (that really affected me as a kid) and now she's trying to reconnect with people. She hasn't seen anyone but apparently sends cards and talks on the phone. I think the connnections are greatly exaggerated, but I don't question her. I also cannot be a source of comfort when these people die, and I won't travel to out of state funerals with her. I might do it if I didn't have little kids because she so old and frail, but I'm not putting my family out or inconveniencing them for the dysfunction. She could have reconciled with these people in person over the past 30+ years, why make the funeral circuit a priority? |
Anonymous
| She sounds like a lonely person who is sad that the people she was invested in her entire life are no longer living. It’s a sign of her own mortality. |
Anonymous
This. I had a former friend who said she did not like her friend “Becky.” She wanted to phase out Becky and said Becky’s husband wanted a divorce. Well, Becky got cancer. The husband felt he had to stay. My former friend posted constantly about her friend and even about wearing her dead “friend’s” sunglasses and “seeing the world through her friend’s lenses.” My former friend’s behavior was so gross, attention seeking and insincere. |
Anonymous
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OP, you hit the nail on the head when you said she rewrites history. My mother had these same behaviors, then would act shocked when people pretty much moved on without including her. She, too, said borderline toxic things to family members and played the victim card when they distanced themselves.
It’s an impossible personality to understand. It’s like a cross between a superiority complex and a victim complex, never knowing if it stems from wanting to be left alone or craving attention. |
Anonymous
| A lot of older women had predominantly frenemies because they were raised to view other women as competition. My grandmother was like this, she wasn't cruel or ugly, but she didn't fully trust women outside the family and privately had no problem discussing their flaws. |
Anonymous
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Hey. I am 75 and don't have frenemies. But when I hear that people I lost touch with from high school, college, past jobs die, I do get a bit sad and nostalgic. It was part of our shared lives, the time we knew each other, and now they are gone. A lot of good times are gone. One day I will be gone.
You don't have to bust out the Kleenex OP but be tolerant. One day you will know. |
Anonymous
| My mom could win an oscar for her performance at family member’s hospital besides. |
Anonymous
| yep. Except it's someone we barely know and that they saw once in their life,but they have to share the news with everyone. Like my cousin who lives in Pakistan visited us in the US and met my in-laws once. 4 years later, his dad died, and my inlaws felt compelled to share withtheir immediate family. |
Anonymous
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I had a friend like this, always super competitive and needed to one up and delusional to the point of always seeing herself as the victim when her behavior is toxic and making other people walk on eggshells around her.
I am sorry about dealing with this....it is a personality disorder and I am sure it reminds her that she is not immortal. |