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Friend won't stop talking about pregnancy
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Anonymous
| I have a friend who is pregnant with #2. We get together quite a bit because our children are the same age. I haven't really discussed my issues with secondary infertility with her but since I am of AMA and significantly older, I would think that she would have some awareness of the situation. However, no matter what the topic of conversation is, she finds a way to relate it back to her pregnancy. She also continuously talks to her toddler in front of mine about "baby sister" and points to her belly. It is really over the top behavior. I don't think that I am being overly sensitive because I have plenty of other friends who are either pregnant or have recently given birth and I enjoy hanging out with them. Then again, none of them behaved like this. I am genuinely happy for my friend but I also feel like I need to look out for my own feelings. With three miscarriages in the last year, I'm not in the best place mentally. I don't want to hang out so much anymore but I don't want my daughter to lose a friend either. Should I say something? How would you handle? I haven't said much to her about trying for #2 because she has loose lips and we have a number of mutual friends. |
Anonymous
Does she even know you're TTC? Maybe she's excited and just doesn't know what you're dealing with. |
Anonymous
| That is a tough situation. If your daughter wasn't friends with her I'd say take some time off from this friendship. But, since you do have your daughter to take into consideration I would try to encourage some play dates where the kids go with either you OR your friend -- like say to her that as much as you love her company what you really need is just some alone time and your sure she could use some too, what with the new baby on the way. Then offer to do a couple of playdates where you take the girls for a day and then she takes them for a day. Or maybe you could incorporate two more ladies, and then you could pair one up with her to talk about pregnancy and you could talk to the other one? If neither of those works, then you might have to just tell her what you're going through and ask her to please respect your privacy. |
Anonymous
OP here. She doesn't know that we are actively trying, but about a year ago I said that I definitely wanted another and it would probably be difficult because of my age. I guess that being older I've always been more sensitive to issues like these. I have some friends who are unable to conceive and others who may never get married. I've always made it a point to talk about other things so they don't feel excluded. I think my friend is just clueless. |
Anonymous
| OP, I am sorry if I am being intrusive, but may I ask how old you are? And how old she is? The "over the top" behavior sounds like someone quite younger and a bit immature/oblivious. I guess I'm trying to figure out if it is a long-term friend or a new-mom playgroup friend, etc. |
Anonymous
I am 40 and I believe she is 34. She is more of new-mom playgroup friend. When we are in the playgroup/playground setting, it is even worse because she will change the topic of conversation to her pregnancy and I am left with nothing to contribute or talk about. If we happen to be out together, she makes sure that every salesperson and stranger on the street knows that she is pregnant. It is just so weird. Sometimes, I wonder if she is behaving this way intentionally. Could anyone really be this clueless? I really hope not. Anyway, I would very much like to meet some older, SAHM moms who can relate to secondary infertility and other age-related issues (aging grandparents, for example) but I'm not sure how to go about it. |
Anonymous
I don't think she's clueless...I think she's just excited. 34 is not "young" and she may have had her own problems and is excited to be pregnant (hence the "look at me, I'm pregnant"). |
Anonymous
Nope, no problems. As a matter fact, she's made a point of telling everyone how "she gets pregnant very easy" many times over. Besides, this is her second baby. She must have been positively unbearable with her first. |
Anonymous
Yes, she's clueless...that you're trying to conceive. Maybe she thinks you haven't started trying yet and that talking about her excitement will get you excited about trying for another. Or maybe she's just focused on herself. |
Anonymous
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it's tough when you're AMA and TTC....but it sounds like she has no clue what you're going through and may not even know you want to have another baby (if you only mentioned it in passing months ago).
Give her a break. |
Anonymous
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OP, if you haven't shared your situation with her, it's not really fair to expect her understanding. I don't mean this unkindly at all, but your post makes me think of the cliche where the wife is hurt and then is angry with her husband for not figuring out on his own what he said or did wrong. Even kind and thoughtful people don't always have a frame of reference to help them recognize and understand others' feelings in every situation.
If you value this friendship, you can say something very simple, like, "Joan, I haven't spoken about it, but John and I have been struggling to expand our family, and while I'm genuinely happy for you, I'm sure you can understand how painful it is to talk about your pregnancy so much. I don't really want to go into it any more, but perhaps we can talk about something else?" Then judge her based on her actions from there forward. If you don't value the friendship or it's just not worth it, ease out of it and strengthen your relationships with friends who are more understanding. Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
| I would take a break from your friend for a while. It sounds too stressful for you and not helpful. I don't see you mentioned the age of your child, but I would try to have your child make friends with others. |
Anonymous
| How old is your daughter? Depending on her age, I might ditch the friendship. I have a low tolerance, and she sounds just annoying. |
Anonymous
| She just sounds annoying period, but if you do want to keep hanging out with her, do say something to her about this. |
Anonymous
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Agree, You can do two things, you can either tell her (which I wouldn't do) or I would ditch the friendship- it sounds like your children are very young. However, if they are 5 and up, I would simply invite the little girl over without her mother, tell her that you want to give her a few breaks before the baby comes. From 5 on up, I think this is reasonable. Unless they are super closely bonded and at least 5, I don't think moving on is going to affect your DD. I think she is clueless. I really doubt she forgot that you told her that you wanted more. Try to set up playdates with other people or take your daughter to other playgrounds and try to meet some new people.
I went through a lot of crap like this when I had secondary IF. It was the loneliest time in my life. I had to end one friendship because of extreme insensitivity. I never told her why, just moved on. During this time you need to surround yourself with positive people who have your best interest at heart. Good luck. |