Getting out the door every morning is so traumatic

[Anonymous]

I just wish I had an easy kid sometimes.


This is an event, not a request for advice. I just feel shitty as a parent today. My kid is so deregulated in the mornings and I can handle it for so long and then sometimes I just can’t stay calm. I hate that - it’s so hard.

We have the therapy, meds, their in a therapeutic school program and it just doesn’t all come together the way it could. Folks that have easy kids just to have no idea. It’s wearing me out. It would be so amazing just to be close to on time. Or even late without a struggle.

That’s it. I just don’t have anyone to talk to in this moment. Crying my eyes out in the car after drop off.

[Anonymous]

I need a therapist. This is just a really hard thing to walk with. We went from ADHD to probably ADHD with autism. The older she gets the harder it gets and there’s no soothing her when she goes into a meltdown.

When she was a baby, she would tantrum for over an hour. I should’ve been looking out for this. I know kids don’t come with a manual. But I really don’t know what I’m doing.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, OP!

We didn't have to deal with tantrums or school refusal, but my kid with sleep issues, severe inattentive ADHD and low processing speed (also autism and various learning disabilities) just could not do anything for himself in the morning. I had to drag him out of bed every morning, he couldn't eat much and if he did, it took ages, and we were always late to school. Every day of elementary, middle and high school.

It was hard to get him to sleep at night, which meant it was really hard to get him to wake up. He was sleep deprived. High school start times were the worst.

I am so glad that in college I didn't have to deal with him. He could essentially roll out of bed and attend class. He had weeks were he couldn't sleep correctly and was awake at night and slept during the day (and missed class, of course).

Anyway. It's a work in progress. I just hope he doesn't get fired from jobs if he's tardy in the morning. Right now he's home for the summer and has a fairly healthy sleep schedule.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Hugs. My teen had long long meltdowns as a kid and she’s doing much better now. Still sensitive, but so so much better.

She did much better with solid routines and structure. That meant that we imposed the structure and she gave input, but when she started deviating from it: we didn’t let her make choices that would deviate. Ie she has always loved books. We would read her one (short) book between eating breakfast and getting dressed. If she begged/pleaded for one more book (and what parent doesn’t want their kids reading more?!?) we couldn’t give it to her because even if we DID have time, it meant that her anxious brain couldn’t rely on the once predictable routine; even if she was the one that broke it. She depended on us to be more strict than we wanted to be, and she thrived on it. A lot of parents of kids with special needs go the other way and are less strict, but for kids with anxiety and other related issues need their parents to draw those safe boundaries for them to thrive. If they on any level feel that they’re in charge of every decision, they may not know it, but they won’t feel safe. I’m not saying scream/yell/put them in time out. But repeat simple commands until it gets done and don’t let them play/don’t engage in discussions if they aren’t listening to you. It’s so so SO much harder with a kid with special needs, but can be an amazing asset to their well being to know what their expectations are and that there is a safe grownup in charge of those boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Folks that have easy kids just to have no idea.

100%, they don't get it and they will give you useless advice all day long or look at you with that baffled expression on their faces like they think you must be incompetent to be struggling with an aspect of parenting that has never caused them any issues. It's really frustrating, I totally get you.

No advice, since you said specifically you didn't want it. But I will share some encouragement. This is how we were feeling with evening routine, especially bathing, for... ever it seems. Years. And yes we tried everything -- visual schedules, visual timers, making transitions playful, shifting tasks to help with incentives, everything. But every night was such a slog that I would usually go to bed immediately after my kid because the two hours leading up to it took so much out of me.

However, in the last 6 months it's gotten better. No silver bullet, nothing changed it overnight, I think it's just the things we've been trying finally started working or sinking in or my kid got used to them or something. A lot of our parenting challenges have been like this. It just takes our kid a lot longer to adjust to certain tasks or expectations. But she does get there eventually. It's just incredibly labor intensive for us as parents. And no, people with easy kids just don't get it, they will absolutely assume you are just a bad parent and congratulate themselves for doing it right because they can't conceive of the idea that their kids just have fewer or easier-to-meet needs.

[Anonymous]

Thank you fall for holding my heart today. Hearing about your experiences is helpful. I feel heard and seen (yeah I know that phrase is overplayed, but my goodness it’s important!)

🩷

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. It’s so hard to be “on” and strategic and regulated all the time. It’s like every move is this choreographed dance and if I could just do it perfectly, things would stay on track. But they never do and I always blame myself. Really what I want is to just do things effortlessly or without pre-planning and strategizing. Let’s just get ready and walk out the door… sigh.

[Anonymous]

I screamed a lot this morning. I didnt want to and I felt horrible after. But OMG WHY is it such a struggle to do the exact same things you need to do every.single.damn.day!! I keep it together most days but today I just could not handle it. Son is in 5th grade fwiw, and I cannot envision him ever being able to take care of his own morning routine, although friends with similar older kids tell me they eventually do, or at least it eventually stops being your problem. Sigh. I see you OP!

[Anonymous]

Same here. Kid is in high school in private placement. With us it goes in waves depending upon how he is feeling. Right now we are all treading water until the school year ends, he is tired, and fighting us every single morning. It takes two of us to get him out the door.

[Anonymous]

OP does your child take a stimulant or Clonidine or Intuniv? Sometimes waking them up for the med and a protein drink (even choc milk if they are picky) and then letting them go back to sleep for 45-60min helps the morning so much more

It also gets you up, some alone time, and everything ready before the second wake-up.

Then I would suggest a huge incentive. Positive reinforcements. Awards chart etc for a morning check list. Like a game. The only non negotiable is what time you leave the house. The rest of the stuff you gotta pick your battles. It’s like if they have 5 things on the morning list - if they get 10-15 a week they get X. If they get 15-20 they get Y. If they get 20-25 they get Z. Let them pick the incentives within reason. A fav weekend event. If they do all 5 on any given day it’s a small night award (10min of something, a game or a fav dessert item)

Don’t take anything away. No negative feedback. No yelling. You might cringe if they don’t do some basic things on the list - even brushing teeth. But give it a week or so and see. ADHDers even with autism like rewards and games as long as they know there isn’t alterior negative motives. Then they’ll immediately regress.

Hugs to you

[Anonymous]

This morning was much better. Getting out of bed was very difficult. I will definitely try the medicine with something sweet and letting her rest more soon we used to do that and it made a big difference - sometimes lol

I didn’t have it in me to push her today. And somehow that worked. we were still super late, but it was not rough for us. Which I think we both needed.

It may be a unicorn moment. It may be a new way. It’s probably a third option.

I’m going to reread everything you guys wrote because it was all helpful and there’s nuggets of goodness in every post.

Thank you so much for being there for me yesterday because I was on the floor.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP I was just looking on this forum for someone who understands -- as I was at my wits end with my daughter this morning -- I have older easier kids and this one is So. Hard. I feel your pain. Your story is making ME feel seen adn heard too. thnak you. At least we are not alone.

It is..... SOOOOOO hard. I am reminding myself --- that I have to take care of myself to take care of others, and I went to the gym after this horrific morning.

[Anonymous]

PP -- the sensory sensitivity - wrong socks! wrong hairbrush! wrong cereal bowl! every step of the way -- is a struggle -- a battle - tears, meltdown, it's like i think with each year it will get better, but now entering third grade in the fall, it is the same thing, just louder, and stronger. It feels like trying to swim against a current. and the "I hate yous!" for making kid go to school. sigh.

[Anonymous]

It’s really really hard. I have a tremendous amount of empathy.

My 15 year old DS with ADHD, sensory issues, and anxiety has surprised us all this year by getting up with an alarm, showering on his own and packing his book bag etc. I am still in shock.

There were some really tough years! We tried all the checklists, alarms, and incentives. I wish I could tell you the secret sauce but I think it was mostly maturity and feeling responsible to make the bus.

[Anonymous]

If methylphenidate then Journay works overnight; some report better regulation in AM.