Letting go of hate

[Anonymous]

This is an issue I'm barely experiencing in midlife, but I finally met with a situation where I now loathe someone and wish them ill to a point it physically makes me queasy and shaken to see them and I stew in hate. I am realizing this affects me a lot more than them. There are moments of peace when I can rationally see things clearly and let go of the hate but I can't permanently shake it and I'd like to reach that state. So, if anyone has any experience beyond therapy to release this grip of hoping someone gets hit by disaster, how did you let go?

[Anonymous]

Bump

[Anonymous]

Can you avoid seeing this person for a while?
Some time and distance would help.

[Anonymous]

Why do you hate them? If they've done something criminal in nature, you might be better off reporting them to police.

If it's not criminal, then I have a hard time understanding why you'd genuinely hate someone that much. The solution would be cut ties or drastically distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

I used to wish someone would die a horrible painful embarrassing death because I hated them that much. Then when I told a friend she said, "OR! What if Jane just ... retired and moved far, far away and you never saw or heard from her again?"

And I thought "Oh! That's a MUCH kinder way to think about things, and really, that IS what I want - to not have to think of her at all." So I started trying to think that way.

[Anonymous]

Hate uses up too much of your energy and headspace. That time could be used in a better way. If you were my friend, I would suggest some therapy to help you get thru this. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

One time someone said to me or I read...don't forgive someone for THEM. Forgive them them for YOU! You hit it early in your post when you said it affects you more than them. I'm betting it affects you ALOT more than them. Sometimes knowing this, relaxes my anger/ill feelings toward someone because I don't want to give them that power over me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One time someone said to me or I read...don't forgive someone for THEM. Forgive them them for YOU! You hit it early in your post when you said it affects you more than them. I'm betting it affects you ALOT more than them. Sometimes knowing this, relaxes my anger/ill feelings toward someone because I don't want to give them that power over me.

Very true. In the end, you've got to realize that this person is not worth it. Let them go.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I totally get this OP. I am not someone who hates easily and up to recently in my life, I can genuinely say I have never hated anyone. But recently I realized I truly hate one person and unfortunately for me, this person is part of my extended family and I cannot avoid completely forever.

I don't have a solution. I don't know if avoiding is the person is the answer because I think sometimes not seeing someone in real life just makes it easier for us to imagine the worst in the person to boost the hate.

[Anonymous]

Have you heard of acceptance behavioral therapy? It is about acknowledging that you are separate from your thoughts and feelings. That you can calmly acknowledge that you are feeling a lot of hate at this moment for this person and wish them ill, say ok, that's nice mind, and then putting it aside. Don't fight the feeling but just acknowledge and move on. It is very Buddhist in a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One time someone said to me or I read...don't forgive someone for THEM. Forgive them them for YOU! You hit it early in your post when you said it affects you more than them. I'm betting it affects you ALOT more than them. Sometimes knowing this, relaxes my anger/ill feelings toward someone because I don't want to give them that power over me.

Very true. In the end, you've got to realize that this person is not worth it. Let them go.

This. You are wasting so much emotional energy on time on what? You just continue to harm yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One time someone said to me or I read...don't forgive someone for THEM. Forgive them them for YOU! You hit it early in your post when you said it affects you more than them. I'm betting it affects you ALOT more than them. Sometimes knowing this, relaxes my anger/ill feelings toward someone because I don't want to give them that power over me.

That doesn’t require “forgiveness”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an issue I'm barely experiencing in midlife, but I finally met with a situation where I now loathe someone and wish them ill to a point it physically makes me queasy and shaken to see them and I stew in hate. I am realizing this affects me a lot more than them. There are moments of peace when I can rationally see things clearly and let go of the hate but I can't permanently shake it and I'd like to reach that state. So, if anyone has any experience beyond therapy to release this grip of hoping someone gets hit by disaster, how did you let go?

I couldn’t do it on my own. I prayed to the Lord to remove it and he did. I feel so much lighter and free now. I hope you will find the same peace.

[Anonymous]

Oh! Oh! I have experience with this! The hating and the growing weary of it!

Two things helped me.

First, every time the familiar feeling of hate arose, I tried to consciously turn it into a moment of gratitude — literally turning an FU into a thank you. At first, all were veiled insults. “Thank you for showing me who I never want to be.” “Thank you for demonstrating such pathetic weakness so that I might better recognize strength.” But even this helped soften me some! And over time, my thank yous became less about them and more about me. “Thank you for illuminating my own moral fault lines in this very complicated world.” The whole thing felt sort of silly and futile at first but really helped.

The second thing that helped suffers from the world’s most grossly cheesy name: loving kindness meditation. I KNOW, I KNOW, even typing that out makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. But it is a (subversive) superpower. Basically, you repeat four simple lines, each line wishing people (yourself…then loved ones…then neutral parties…then eventually, eventually those you dislike or even hate) safety, health, happiness, and ease. WAIT, STAY WITH ME FOR A SEC, here’s the key to the whole thing: as you do this, as you say these lines again and again and again, you realize that the people you struggle with most are missing one or more of those things. They don’t feel safe, and/or they’re really not well, and/or they’re miserable, and/or they are struggling struggling struggling just to get through the days, and as soon as this truth truly sinks in, some of their power just…disappates. Poof. Gone.

Do you love or even like them? Well, maybe someone more enlightened than I does. But I never got there. But practicing this (at first by listening to Sharon on the Happier app, she’s good), I did let go of some hate and return to myself, and now I think about them a lot less, and with a lot less energy when I do.

It seems twee, I know. But I am not a kumbayah type by nature, and these two things helped me a lot.

Good luck. Sending my best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh! Oh! I have experience with this! The hating and the growing weary of it!

Two things helped me.

First, every time the familiar feeling of hate arose, I tried to consciously turn it into a moment of gratitude — literally turning an FU into a thank you. At first, all were veiled insults. “Thank you for showing me who I never want to be.” “Thank you for demonstrating such pathetic weakness so that I might better recognize strength.” But even this helped soften me some! And over time, my thank yous became less about them and more about me. “Thank you for illuminating my own moral fault lines in this very complicated world.” The whole thing felt sort of silly and futile at first but really helped.

The second thing that helped suffers from the world’s most grossly cheesy name: loving kindness meditation. I KNOW, I KNOW, even typing that out makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. But it is a (subversive) superpower. Basically, you repeat four simple lines, each line wishing people (yourself…then loved ones…then neutral parties…then eventually, eventually those you dislike or even hate) safety, health, happiness, and ease. WAIT, STAY WITH ME FOR A SEC, here’s the key to the whole thing: as you do this, as you say these lines again and again and again, you realize that the people you struggle with most are missing one or more of those things. They don’t feel safe, and/or they’re really not well, and/or they’re miserable, and/or they are struggling struggling struggling just to get through the days, and as soon as this truth truly sinks in, some of their power just…disappates. Poof. Gone.

Do you love or even like them? Well, maybe someone more enlightened than I does. But I never got there. But practicing this (at first by listening to Sharon on the Happier app, she’s good), I did let go of some hate and return to myself, and now I think about them a lot less, and with a lot less energy when I do.

It seems twee, I know. But I am not a kumbayah type by nature, and these two things helped me a lot.

Good luck. Sending my best.

NP. The bolded kind of reminds me of "ThanK u aIMee" by Taylor Swift.