Will a very frank or blunt personality change when the teen becomes an adult?
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Anonymous
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For years I have been working with DD on how to be kinder or phrasing thinks nicer to others. She has a very curt “that’s stupid or that’s dumb, why can’t you just ___,” frank personality that can easily offend others. She does this either way friends and family. It’s just a facet of her personality.
I’ve lost the word that I am thinking of but does this continue always as adults? |
Anonymous
| It will continue as long as no one tells her in no uncertain terms that it’s unacceptable and enforce the consequences. For every that’s dumb there should a that’s rude followed by a demand to restate whatever she is trying to say in different terms. |
Anonymous
She should go through rush in college. I was the same way. The rush experience (as a rushee and as a member) taught me so much about social graces. I am not a huge greek system proponent but I have to say this was a key thing for me. |
Anonymous
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I don't have an adult child, but I've had friends like your daughter and was occasionally an obnoxious know-it-all kid/teen/young adult.
If she's always been like this, rather than just being a snarky teen, she'll only grow out of it when she realizes people will think she's a jerk and not want to be friends with her or work with her. Or she'll only been friends with people like her, and maybe realize it's an awful way to be. |
Anonymous
| There is only so much a parent can teach. People have their own inherent personalities and society also plays a role, parents can't mold kids to their liking. |
Anonymous
| Instead of teaching her to be nice, try teaching her how other people have their struggles and why we should have empathy and compassion. |
Anonymous
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Model, model, model.
Not just the “right way” to say it, but allow her to see what’s going on in your mind. How yih manage your own feelings in the moment and communicate around them. It’s not about “teaching” the outcome, but showing her the process. |
Anonymous
| Something in her life experience will teach her this lesson. Is she self-aware of this trait, and does she herself want to change it? I'd keep it low-key unless she wants you to help. |
Anonymous
She has not had consequences for her behavior and lack of social etiquettes till now - losing friends, being disliked or gossiped about, being shut off from groups, losing opportunities, losing face, being humiliated back or losing privileges at home. If you don't intervene now, this will only get worse. And in the future, normal, pleasant and functional people will avoid her. The people who will be attracted to her will be degenerates. Get her in therapy. She sounds insufferable and entitled. Her personality and persona is toxic. Life will come back and slap her hard otherwise. This behavior does not change without intervention and does not auto-correct itself in adulthood. Do her a kindness - get her help. Get yourself helo so that you can be a parent that this child needs. |
Anonymous
This really isn't true. I've worked with a lot of blunt, rude people over the years. Most were women. I'm the opposite and bend over backwards to be courteous and helpful. I'm not sure that I get better results. Being blunt works better. |
Anonymous
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She will get some peer correction that will be harsh and memorable. And she'll either figure it out and have friends or not figure it out and have no friends.
I would tell her the above, kindly. |
Anonymous
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If this has been going on for years, despite gentle redirection, then it probably means she cannot understand hints, is high-functioning autistic and needs to be explicitly taught to phrase it differently.
You need to practice alternative phrasing with her so that she knows what to blurt out, if she says anything at all. Tell her that in many circumstances (that you need to identify for her), she can just keep her mouth shut. Also, she needs repeated explanations on why society places great importance on courteous and diplomatic language, and why honest truths do not need to verbalized in most situations. You will need to identify those situations. Everything needs to be crystal clear and explained ad nauseam. In short, there's a whole depth of work that needs to be done here before she leaves for college. Social-emotional communication issues do not get resolve with normal parenting hints. - parent of high-functioning autistic teens and young adults. They have high IQs, but they needed to be explicitly taught social skills. |
Anonymous
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^ there are social skills groups for kids like your DD, if you're interested. One of my kids participated as a elementary schooler, but then as teens they declined. Sometimes when they're older, they want social groups that are more in line with their hobbies. My kids have both enjoyed DnD groups in their high school and college, which are usually quite neurodivergent-friendly. The issue is that these usually don't include an actual psychologist or specialized therapist, so while it's more fun, it might be less helpful if the goal is to explicitly teach basic manners.
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Anonymous
| Doubtful. Is she neurodiverse? |
Anonymous
| I still have trouble with being too blunt, at almost 50. It takes a lot of effort. The biggest shift was when I became a mother. |