Gut check on teenager church mentor

[Anonymous]

My daughter who is 17 has been a part of a church like bible study group all of high school. We’re Christian and I think it’s great and a good social outlet away from alcohol, with nice kids. The leaders are college kids and young adults and a few teach at the school, all women.

I’m however starting to wonder if these adult women don’t have enough boundaries with teenage girls. After one of their weekend retreats at a summer camp recently my daughter came to me and said that her leader has been struggling with eating disorder issues, as had another teenager. The college student leader has mentioned her struggles at Bible shady s

[Anonymous]

We are not in the DMV, by the way - we live in a town with a well regarded southern university

[Anonymous]

Just because someone graduates from college and gets a "grownup" job, it doesn't mean they've learned proper boundaries. That's not taught in college.

They were probably trying to get kids to come to them to talk if the HS students are struggling with the same thing, or somehow relating to them and just ... chose this way to do it.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s so weird that you would be fine with this random band of young adults teaching your daughter about her soul but not talking about their eating disorder?

But I mean, it’s a church group in America. They can do whatever they want right up to arguably over the line of abuse, and obvious abuse will only be prosecuted if you’re lucky.

If you want her to go to therapy, send her to a licensed, reputable therapist. If you want her to go to summer camp, send her to a licensed, reputable summer camp.

Otherwise, what do you want? It sounds like she’s just going voluntarily to a club. Especially if it’s free, there’s probably little oversight, and even if there is via the school or whatever I hardly think discussing an eating disorder would be off limits.

[Anonymous]

I'm a Christian, too. And a very traditional and conservative one by most measures.

In my experience: youth group leaders, both men and women, tend to be very immature and (bad combo) are also bad at maintaining appropriate boundaries.

This is why my teenaged daughter did NOT go to local church youth groups. We did have her friends come over and my wife would facilitate discussion on spiritual things (like going through JI Packer's book on the Apostles' Creed, etc.). But that is instructional. I expect it to be the same with my younger children as well (girl and boy).

A lot of church youth groups are basically unfettered and untrained group therapy sessions or trauma dumps.

[Anonymous]

Lots of orgies in church youth groups. Lots of a abuse, too. Some drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a Christian, too. And a very traditional and conservative one by most measures.

In my experience: youth group leaders, both men and women, tend to be very immature and (bad combo) are also bad at maintaining appropriate boundaries.

This is why my teenaged daughter did NOT go to local church youth groups. We did have her friends come over and my wife would facilitate discussion on spiritual things (like going through JI Packer's book on the Apostles' Creed, etc.). But that is instructional. I expect it to be the same with my younger children as well (girl and boy).

A lot of church youth groups are basically unfettered and untrained group therapy sessions or trauma dumps.

So all youth group leaders are bad...except your wife? lol

[Anonymous]

I am shocked this behavior shocks you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a Christian, too. And a very traditional and conservative one by most measures.

In my experience: youth group leaders, both men and women, tend to be very immature and (bad combo) are also bad at maintaining appropriate boundaries.

This is why my teenaged daughter did NOT go to local church youth groups. We did have her friends come over and my wife would facilitate discussion on spiritual things (like going through JI Packer's book on the Apostles' Creed, etc.). But that is instructional. I expect it to be the same with my younger children as well (girl and boy).

A lot of church youth groups are basically unfettered and untrained group therapy sessions or trauma dumps.

I went to Wheaton College (IL) and I would say this is fairly accurate, though most of the college aged mentors I had at Wheaton proper were pretty good at keeping their lives to themselves. The other college girls in various groups - not so much (which CAN be appropriate once you're close, but not if you really don't know each other or if the material at hand is itself literally traumatizing). It was like a known joke on campus that people would pretty much just be like "Hi, my name is Larla and here's my entire traumatic past." I still remember sitting in a writing class where a classmate literally used a personal essay as a confessional - and these essays were read aloud to the whole class.

Which is why my church in high school did the same thing as PP - more a book or Bible study with a paid employee of the church, less a prayer group type thing.

But that said, the prayer group type things are good for peers, within the limits outlined above, you know? So it's a fine line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter who is 17 has been a part of a church like bible study group all of high school. We’re Christian and I think it’s great and a good social outlet away from alcohol, with nice kids. The leaders are college kids and young adults and a few teach at the school, all women.

I’m however starting to wonder if these adult women don’t have enough boundaries with teenage girls. After one of their weekend retreats at a summer camp recently my daughter came to me and said that her leader has been struggling with eating disorder issues, as had another teenager. The college student leader has mentioned her struggles at Bible shady s

I don't understand why this is an issue at all. It is not like grooming with sex stuff or anything. This is probably something where they discuss personal struggles and how the Bible helps them get through it, and an ED is a common struggle for a young woman. Unless you think they are trying to indoctrinate your daughter into having one I'm not sure what the concern is. It would probably be much worse in a sorority.

I think you're thinking that this is like if a licensed therapist started telling their patients about their personal problems, but it's not like that. It's more like a book club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a Christian, too. And a very traditional and conservative one by most measures.

In my experience: youth group leaders, both men and women, tend to be very immature and (bad combo) are also bad at maintaining appropriate boundaries.

This is why my teenaged daughter did NOT go to local church youth groups. We did have her friends come over and my wife would facilitate discussion on spiritual things (like going through JI Packer's book on the Apostles' Creed, etc.). But that is instructional. I expect it to be the same with my younger children as well (girl and boy).

A lot of church youth groups are basically unfettered and untrained group therapy sessions or trauma dumps.

The idea that one can leave their child to be alone (overnight?) with young adults, or even mature adults, and weird things won't happen is naive. I don't trust any adult with my kids.

[Anonymous]

This is why church is bad…get your DD away from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a Christian, too. And a very traditional and conservative one by most measures.

In my experience: youth group leaders, both men and women, tend to be very immature and (bad combo) are also bad at maintaining appropriate boundaries.

This is why my teenaged daughter did NOT go to local church youth groups. We did have her friends come over and my wife would facilitate discussion on spiritual things (like going through JI Packer's book on the Apostles' Creed, etc.). But that is instructional. I expect it to be the same with my younger children as well (girl and boy).

A lot of church youth groups are basically unfettered and untrained group therapy sessions or trauma dumps.

The idea that one can leave their child to be alone (overnight?) with young adults, or even mature adults, and weird things won't happen is naive. I don't trust any adult with my kids.

+1 This is why so many kids who are abused are abused at church. Very naive (and ofttimes sanctimonious) parents think a churchy person couldn't possibly be harmful. Involvement in church is not a strong signal that an adult is safe. Churches are less thorough about background checks and "sanity checks" than schools. You can get a church job just by knowing someone at the church, or acting emotional about Jesus. Compare to getting a job at a school, where you need to appear mentally and emotionally stable during the interview process. Yet for some reason churchy people are more wary of teachers!

[Anonymous]

Is this young life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a Christian, too. And a very traditional and conservative one by most measures.

In my experience: youth group leaders, both men and women, tend to be very immature and (bad combo) are also bad at maintaining appropriate boundaries.

This is why my teenaged daughter did NOT go to local church youth groups. We did have her friends come over and my wife would facilitate discussion on spiritual things (like going through JI Packer's book on the Apostles' Creed, etc.). But that is instructional. I expect it to be the same with my younger children as well (girl and boy).

A lot of church youth groups are basically unfettered and untrained group therapy sessions or trauma dumps.

I grew up in a VERY conservative church, but as an adult belong to a more liberal sect. Looking back on my experiences with youth group, including "lock-ins" and sleepaway camps, I agree with this PP. Our youth leaders were often an opposite sex married couple, but still extremely young. In general, the husband might have a college degree but the wife would not. In terms of life experiences, they had hardly more than we did, and boundaries were nonexistent.