Families privately struggling these days
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Anonymous
| It feels like a not insignificant number of parents are struggling with kids who have various emotional/behavioral/mental, etc. invisible but disabling challenges these days. My child has friends and classmates who have been pulled out of public school or others who are all in therapy or on medications for various challenges. But no one ever discusses these things or shares their burdens. It’s just something I was thinking about, no real question, I guess… |
Anonymous
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Are you close with the families of these kids? What makes you think they aren't sharing their burdens with anyone?
There have long been enormous stigmas around disabilities and mental illness. If anything, people talk about it more now. But when I have struggles with my kid's disability I'm not going to "share my burden" with just anyone. I am friends with other parents of kids with disabilities and we absolutely talk about our struggles. |
Anonymous
| I think social media makes people feel more isolated and like their problems are so different than other peoples reality when the inverse is true. I’m open about my kids issues and I find more often than not that we are all struggling. I’m open to learning about other people’s struggles also and accept they’re just as challenging. Heck, I struggle so much more with my “NT” teen than my one with SN often. |
Anonymous
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The reason is that no one wants to hear it. Even if people listen for a minute, they disappear. So if you want to keep your friends you keep silent.
Think about it. When have you ever heard of a meal train for families who have a kid with mental health issues. When have you heard others soliciting help with childcare for the other kids so parents Can deal with the medical stuff. These are things that happen when a kid gets diagnosed with cancer or even sometimes when a kid breaks their arm. But not when a kid has mental health problems. It is really hard to have a kid with mental health needs. But you know what makes it worse? Asking for help and being turned down. Losing friendships when you’re in the midst of a crisis because people are tired of you being in crisis and you can’t control the fact that they keep happening. |
Anonymous
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I have a kid with mental health needs. I am worried with good reason I think, that no one really wants to hear it. It is draining and depressing and they can't really help.
In addition, they know something is going on but don't reach out first even just to do lunch or dinner. So calling them and dumping all this on them isn't going to happen. It is so lonely and isolating, and in the world of social media, so hard to see other kids living "normal" life like going to sporting events, homecoming, prom, etc. |
Anonymous
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I am not American and feel that the USA is the most open-minded, by far, when it comes to discussing special needs. I've had heart to hearts with my two close friends, and I've helped out many other parents in SN discussion groups. I don't feel isolated at all, and I don't think American society is isolating such families. In other parts of the world, special needs are a real taboo, and families with a disabled child can be stigmatized in very impactful ways: the marriage prospects of their other children are in jeopardy, for example.
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Anonymous
| My friend talks to me about the challenges with her daughter and found a support group online for parents whose kids are similar. Apart from that, she finds it a privacy violation to freely talk about her daughter's struggles without her daughter's permission. |
Anonymous
| I don’t have a child with mental illness but my DS, 19, does have behavioral issues. I try and be up front with people I meet - maybe not right off the bat but eventually- so they can feel comfortable around me. Like to parents who meet my son at my other sons soccer games. But I have noticed that many SN parents start off describing their child as “has SN (whatever that is) but he doesn’t have behavioral issues”. |
Anonymous
Well I feel incredibly isolated and think American society is very isolating to "such families." There's also a difference between those with obvious disabilities and those who are more invisible as OP mentioned. There's a lot of empathy going around for some kids with disabilities and not a lot for others who are just seen to be the way they are due to having a bad personality or bad parenting. |
Anonymous
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A lot of parents went through a period of time before their child was diagnoses (or also after) where they got a lot of judgment from other parents, family members, even teachers for their kids issues.
I remember this period of time, about 2-3 years, when my kid was in ECE and then starting elementary, where I regularly felt like people either didn't like my kid (or thought she was "weird", a sentiment that was expressed by both family members and adults in our school community, as well as lots and lots of kids) or blamed me directly for my kid's issues. When you spend several years feeling like people are constantly either criticizing your child or you, at a time when you are expending enormous amounts of energy and often money to figure out what is going on with your child and get them the support they need, and get you the support you need (I've taken more parenting classes and coaching than any parent I've ever met, sorry but no one works harder at being the parent my kid needs than I do), you become extremely wary of discussing it with other people unless you know in advance they are going to see supportive instead of judgmental. I barely even talk to some of the people who were so judgey and critical during that time at this point. Eff them. |
Anonymous
| I have profoundly disabled sibling, and I can tell you that special needs families have always felt isolated. I think it may be easier in some ways now because there are more support groups, but, I mostly think it is fairly similar where you have a very narrow world of just a few family members and friends that you can rely on (if you are lucky). |
Anonymous
This. I have a few close friends I share with but mostly I don’t talk about DD’s issues out of respect for her privacy. She is 17. |
Anonymous
| Yes, it is extraordinarily isolating, exhausting for our family. Mental health decline along with learning disabilities that are never really supported in public school, we cannot afford private and the kid that needs the help most refuses it. I know that I cannot really talk about it with friends because it exhausts them or they don't have kids, or their kids are neuro typical, or their kids are long grown and did not grow up in this generation. It is very hard. I talk with my therapist but even then the therapist will say; we need to focus on you. Sometimes I just need a rant space to another human . |
Anonymous
| It’s not “these days”. Families have struggled privately for millennia. It isn’t a new thing. |
Anonymous
Agree. In my field, over time, I have learned of many colleagues' families whose kids are like that. Something environmental must have changed from decades ago, but I have no idea what... |