Still want me in the room to fall asleep at almost 10. Will she grow out of this?

[Anonymous]

My kid was great at falling asleep on her own until she was about 7.5. At that age, she became more aware of the fact that people die and she also became more aware of things like robbery (thanks to books, movies, friends, etc.). Her anxiety seemed age-appropriate at 7.5 and I thought it would be short-lived…. so I was fine with complying with her request that I stay in her room until she fell asleep.

It’s been about 2 years and she’s still scared to fall asleep without me in her room. She does fine at sleepovers when sharing a room with a friend, but when we are home, she always asks me to stay with her until she’s asleep. Her anxiety does not seem to bleed into the day—she has no issues separating for school, play dates, etc.

I’ve talked to her about it and she’s asked that we continue this routine until she “feels ready.” I’m fine with our arrangement—it’s nice to chat with her and snuggle at the end of the day—but should I push her to build this skill now? I don’t want want thwart her development/independence, but I’m also fine continuing to stay with her if she’s going to outgrow this in the next year or two on her own. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

she will outgrow it. My DD was similar- she liked me in her room when she was going to sleep from about the time she was 8 or 9 until about the time she was 13. She's 14 now. Maybe once every other month she will ask me to sit with her now.

[Anonymous]

No way would I be doing that at her age. I can’t believe you are okay with it.

[Anonymous]

It’s absolutely fine. Almost 10 is still really little, and ages 9-11 are hard years for girls. She will probably grow out of it by middle school.

[Anonymous]

My kid isn’t scared but still wants a bedtime routine with me at age 14. She wants me to help her pick out her outfit and then read to her while she “does her skincare routine.” At her age, this goes on until 9:30-10. So, you never know.

That said, this really sounds like you are enabling anxiety. And that isn’t the preferred strategy at this point for anxiety in kids. Maybe do some reading about SPACE and other anxiety approaches to decide what you want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid isn’t scared but still wants a bedtime routine with me at age 14. She wants me to help her pick out her outfit and then read to her while she “does her skincare routine.” At her age, this goes on until 9:30-10. So, you never know.

That said, this really sounds like you are enabling anxiety. And that isn’t the preferred strategy at this point for anxiety in kids. Maybe do some reading about SPACE and other anxiety approaches to decide what you want to do.

I mean I don't disagree but don't you think picking outfits and reading to a kid while they do their skincare routine at 14 is just as enabling, or more?

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine if you don't mind, but I would also probably start therapy. Are you always hone to put her to bed? Can she sleep if you have to go out of town for some reason?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a habit you have created at this point. If you are enjoying it and it works for you it’s not bad per se. I wouldn’t enjoy it and I wouldn’t like the lack of flexibility so I’d wean her off it.
Tell her you’ll go out and come back in 2 mins. Do that. Then the next night 3 mins. Go up in increments that work for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid isn’t scared but still wants a bedtime routine with me at age 14. She wants me to help her pick out her outfit and then read to her while she “does her skincare routine.” At her age, this goes on until 9:30-10. So, you never know.

That said, this really sounds like you are enabling anxiety. And that isn’t the preferred strategy at this point for anxiety in kids. Maybe do some reading about SPACE and other anxiety approaches to decide what you want to do.

I mean I don't disagree but don't you think picking outfits and reading to a kid while they do their skincare routine at 14 is just as enabling, or more?

Maybe, but it isn’t enabling anxiety. This is when she tells me all kinds of things so I’m a little loathe to give it up. Think of this as a substitute for sitting down to a family meal since that isn’t really happening due to activities.

And I’m not actually picking her outfits. She is 14 so she wants to hear me give her 2-3 ideas that she can say are terrible to then pick on her own what she was probably planning to wear all along. Good times, I tell you, good times.

[Anonymous]

Mine didn't have specific fears but wanted me to do it and then at one point just stopped. And now she's 15 and doesn't even want me in her room. Enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t mind, just keep doing it. People will tell you it’s a problem, blah blah blah. They outgrow this stuff and don’t want their parents around much after a few years. Just enjoy the time with her.

[Anonymous]

How do you and your spouse go out at night? Does the sitter or grandma stay with her?

From my recollection, Super Nanny would stay in the room without any talking and slowly, over time, move toward the door and ultimately, sat outside the bedroom door.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s a problem, but the underlying issue is that she needs to be able to comfort herself and go to sleep. You could tell her that you will stay on the same level of the house with her so she can hear you, putting things away or organizing the linen closet or whatever. If you are staying in bed with her now, switch to a chair and then to puttering on the same floor. My daughter was the same and I finally had to do what I advised above, along with giving her “stories” to think about as she fell asleep. She will outgrow it, but you want her to gain self-soothing skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t mind, just keep doing it. People will tell you it’s a problem, blah blah blah. They outgrow this stuff and don’t want their parents around much after a few years. Just enjoy the time with her.

Yup. Mine is in college now and is so busy she barely comes home for breaks. She totally doesn’t remember I rubbed her back to help her get to sleep every night until she was like 13. There was a song I used to sing her and when I brought it up she was like “what?” Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way would I be doing that at her age. I can’t believe you are okay with it.

Well, you are a POS parent and OP is not. So, not apples to apples comparison.