FTM trans student starting college: housing situation?

[Anonymous]

FTM stepson wants to present as just another guy. Plans to identify himself as a guy for student housing purposes and assumes he will be assigned a shared room with another guy.

This sounds completely unrealistic to me. Assumptions he is making:
1) Other guy will not discover that SS is trans
2) Other guy, if informed, will have no issue and feel perfectly comfortable living together in a shared bedroom (and possibly as part of a suite with a total of three other guys all sharing a bathroom).
3) Other guy, if informed, will keep it to himself and not tell anyone

SS does not want a single, he wants the shared housing.

I think this set of assumptions is expecting a lot from another 18 year old (or three). This seems like deep denial to me, but if I bring it up (to spouse who is SS'd dad, not to SS) I will seem unsupportive. I am dumbfounded.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who transitioned in college and very much just wanted to be one of the guys rather than seen as Trans, but ended up in some unsafe situations as a result (my friend actually started participating in some really conservative groups after college). We were all very very careful not to out him per his request, but with the internet and surgical scars, it can just come out.

Realistically, a roommate is going to find out and for your son's own safety he needs to make certain this roommate will. Son may consider reaching out to some campus LGBT organizations and consider trying to find a direct pairing with someone who knows the situation and is comfortable with it. Your son doesn't want to risk being suddenly and dramatically outed.

[Anonymous]

I would recommend he look for gender inclusive housing. I know that’s not his preference but it exists for a lot of reasons including his own safety.

[Anonymous]

Does the school already know? Has he received the housing questionnaire yet? Does it address these issues? If it does, he can be matched with someone who would be okay with it. But he would really have to disclose to the roommate. Also, how long has he been transitioned? I’m not looking into someone else’s heart, but I have seen several kids de-transition in college (not sure what the right word is) which could create a whole lot of other issues. For a few kids, it is just a phase.
Kids today generally are more accepting than ever before, but it’s still not perfect out there. He has to presume that it will come out and be prepared to respond accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I think he should be honest.
I’d be fine with my kid sharing with a trans person but would also appreciate knowing up front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would recommend he look for gender inclusive housing. I know that’s not his preference but it exists for a lot of reasons including his own safety.

+1

[Anonymous]

I agree it is a bad plan. But there’s nothing you can do about it. The kid will have to learn this lesson on their own. One of the most useful things might be to connect them to a trans community where older trans people can help them be more realistic and advise them on this sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

How many guy friends does this kid have now in high school? What is that like?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a bad plan.

Hopefully the housing forms/questionnaires cover LGBTQ acceptance. Your DC should check off requiring the highest level of acceptance. And get a single in a suite if that is an allowed format.

I've known a lot of mixed gender apartment renting sets of roommates. That can work. Putting your expectations of seamless acceptance onto someone sharing a bedroom is a higher level of requirement. I wouldn't recommend gambling on it.

Agree that the special requirements housing may be safer.

[Anonymous]

It's definitely going to take a special kind of tolerant roommate.

My DD's friend had a MTF trans roommate at VT. It was fine.

The kids today are generally a tolerant lot. So it might be OK.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the kids today are pretty tolerant, but this will very much depend on what school your SS is going to and what the student population is like. And I agree with everyone saying that the roommate absolutely needs to know ahead of time and be ok with it, mostly for your SS’s safety!

[Anonymous]

None of the FTMs I know are just “one of the guys”. That’s wishful thinking.
Many do not have any cis het male friends at all. This does not seem like a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's definitely going to take a special kind of tolerant roommate.

My DD's friend had a MTF trans roommate at VT. It was fine.

The kids today are generally a tolerant lot. So it might be OK.

VT and many other colleges have eliminated LGBTQ+ dorms thanks to the Orange Cheeto’s elimination of anything they view as from the “libs”.

What might work is if he has a single bedroom & bathroom, in a suite where a den and maybe small kitchen is shared with three other guys…..but I would vet these other guy’s social media accounts before agreeing incase one of them is MAGA.
I would contact the universities LGBTQ+ group and have them help you find the right group / living situation. It’s just too dangerous currently.

[Anonymous]

A lot of colleges ask students won’t only their own gender but also what gender roommates they are comfortable with. I wouldn’t push it until you see the housing questionnaire. You can get an idea from what school it is how risky SS’s plan is. Big difference between somewhere like Oberlin and a big state U, etc. there are schools where most students would be fine with it. But maybe you wouldn’t be this concerned if it were that type of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he should be honest.
I’d be fine with my kid sharing with a trans person but would also appreciate knowing up front.

It's your kid, not you, who needs to know.