At what point do diverging world views lead to a friendship ending?

[Anonymous]

I’m having a hard time assessing the feasibility of maintaining a friendship with one of my oldest friends. In recent years our worldviews have diverged dramatically.

We are childhood friends, and grew up in an UMC circle in a medium-sized southern city. After some moves in adulthood we are again quasi-local to each other (about an hour away) but I don’t know whether to maintain the friendship based on some recent changes my friend has made.

I am a Christian, but very mainstream and engaged with the world as it is. I wear trousers, work full-time, get my kids vaccinated on schedule etc. Over the years my friend first converted to Christianity, then joined a fundamentalist church that requires women and girls to wear dresses (and has women cover their hair), has all but completely dropped out of the medical system, and generally only seems to befriend others who share this libertarian/counter-cultural worldview.

I have friends with diverging religious and political opinions. I myself was very radical youth, holding almost revolutionary political positions, so I understand this impulse. But while I find that middle age has made me more centrist in all my beliefs, my friend seems to be drifting to an extreme worldview.

Part of my consternation is her husband, who has always seemed profoundly judgmental of anyone who doesn’t share his perspectives and is deeply suspicious of institutions in general. I suspect that he is highly controlling behind closed doors.

Have you faced a situation like this? How did you deal? Cut off or just distance? Does it ever get better?

[Anonymous]

Distance with room to reconsider

[Anonymous]

DTMF

[Anonymous]

I guess I wonder what you have in common? What do you get together and talk about? I’m friends with people of a variety of religious and political backgrounds, but I have something in common that I enjoy discussing with them. It might be travel or books or work, etc. But I’m not sure what I would have in common with what sounds like cultist fundamentalism. Do you enjoy her company? Does her husband let you see her without him?

[Anonymous]

It may be time to acknowledge that this particular friendship has simply run its course.

It is just a fact of life that stuff like this happens every now ➕ then.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'm a coach and will give you some questions to ponder. What about maintaining this friendship feels important to you? What makes it feel hard to maintain? Do you enjoying being with her? What would you gain or lose by giving up the friendship? Which decision is more aligned with your values?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DTMF

+1

It’s what’s best sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DTMF

+1

It’s what’s best sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Trousers? WTF. You are not a real person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I wonder what you have in common? What do you get together and talk about? I’m friends with people of a variety of religious and political backgrounds, but I have something in common that I enjoy discussing with them. It might be travel or books or work, etc. But I’m not sure what I would have in common with what sounds like cultist fundamentalism. Do you enjoy her company? Does her husband let you see her without him?

This. OP has not said anything about how she feels about this friend as a person.

[Anonymous]

Do you feel some connection when you are together? IRL matters. Imo but don't overthink it. If a connection is not there, you can act on a preference to not get together.

[Anonymous]

This is OP: most of what drives my desire to continue the friendship is our lengthy, shared history. We do have a connection. I enjoy spending time with her, but I do not enjoy being around her husband. If I had to guess, her husband actively disagrees with her being friends with me but she persists nonetheless.

I have sometimes felt excluded/selectively included in her life: I will visit during the day but they/she doesn’t invite our family over for dinners or their kids birthday parties etc. (I always invite them to these kinds of things.)

I’m not really sure what my question is but I do find her worldview to be both incredibly privileged and also lacking perspective, which is to say, I don’t agree with her worldview. I guarantee she doesn’t agree with mine. It’s just crazy to observe someone with whom I had so much in common move further and further to the fringe, with no end in sight.

And yes I said trousers, I am a real person. What would you prefer? Slacks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: most of what drives my desire to continue the friendship is our lengthy, shared history. We do have a connection. I enjoy spending time with her, but I do not enjoy being around her husband. If I had to guess, her husband actively disagrees with her being friends with me but she persists nonetheless.

I have sometimes felt excluded/selectively included in her life: I will visit during the day but they/she doesn’t invite our family over for dinners or their kids birthday parties etc. (I always invite them to these kinds of things.)

I’m not really sure what my question is but I do find her worldview to be both incredibly privileged and also lacking perspective, which is to say, I don’t agree with her worldview. I guarantee she doesn’t agree with mine. It’s just crazy to observe someone with whom I had so much in common move further and further to the fringe, with no end in sight.

And yes I said trousers, I am a real person. What would you prefer? Slacks?

Or you know, pants.

I had a friend like that, it was mostly the medical/child rearing points that really drove my friendship away. And a "helpful' judgemental comment about a medical decision on behalf of my dad.

The reality was, there wasn't much of a friendship to let go of at that point. Yes, we had a long history. But we barely had anything to talk about anymore. Sports? Gone. Current topics? Our views were too different to discuss. Kids? Not something we talked about anymore due to our wildly different thoughts. Hobbies? Nope she judged mine. Vacations? Same deal.

[Anonymous]

This is OP: most of what drives my desire to continue the friendship is our lengthy, shared history. We do have a connection. I enjoy spending time with her, but I do not enjoy being around her husband. If I had to guess, her husband actively disagrees with her being friends with me but she persists nonetheless.

That's something, isn't it? I'm not saying you have to be friends if you don't want to, but that seems to be saying a lot about how much she values you, even if she doesn't invite you to birthday parties for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trousers? WTF. You are not a real person.

I was thinking British English.