How to handle a bully friend

[Anonymous]

Our daughter (6) has a neighbor friend (7). They play together all the time, but it's pretty one-sided, in the sense that our daughter gets super excited like HEY HEY LET'S PLAY! and the friend is like "oh hey."

And the older friend is pretty bossy and mean, yelling at our daughter like STOP DOING THAT or YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT. Sometimes it is technically correct, but it's not a nice way to say it. Or grabbing things out of our daughter's hands. Or being a cry-bully victim. E.g., their kid will be rough, but when someone is rough back, she goes crying to her parents.

The other parents don't have any real consequences and let their kid roam freely, mostly unsupervised.

We're trying to teach our daughter to be assertive, to recognize when "friends" aren't acting like friends, and to walk away to find other stuff to do. But it's hard because there's not a lot of other kids to play with.

Not sure how to approach it. We're also friendly with their family, so not looking to cause a huge rift, but their kid is pretty mean and narcissistic. I don't think it's realistic to say "stop playing together," and I don't want to helicopter parent and start correcting their kid's bad behavior, but what do we do? Do we just keep teaching our daughter and let her figure it out in due time?

Sometimes I'll be outside, the other mom will be outside, and their kid will yell at my daughter. What do I do? Correct their kid? Ask the other parent to do something? Tell my daughter to stop playing?

[Anonymous]

You need to help your DD branch out. She needs to learn that other kids don't treat people this way, and she doesn't need to put up with this. You can keep telling her, but she won't understand until you show her.

What do you mean there's not a lot of other kids to play with? Where do you live, in a farmhouse on the prairies?

[Anonymous]

Get your kid into structured activities so she’s not so available and isn’t roaming the neighborhood bored.

[Anonymous]

My dd had a similar situation with an older girl, although they were older (8/9). I’ve point blank said we just need a break from this friend - she’s having a hard time playing in a way that’s fun and cooperative, and everyone deserves friends that treat them with kindness. Tiffs are one thing (they’re going to happen and I have a fairly high tolerance for them), but outright mean, demeaning, or bossy behavior is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your kid into structured activities so she’s not so available and isn’t roaming the neighborhood bored.

This. Keep her away during the week as much as possible, and get her into after school activities with a larger number of kids. Then she will start to see the difference.

[Anonymous]

Btdt. I cut them off. No more play dates. It sets up an unhealthy dynamic for both. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

1) Help your DD come up with a game plan for when this playing doesn't feel fair or the other child is being controlling or unkind. Whether that's "come tell a parent" or "take a break" or "stand up for yourself" might depend on where your kid is at. The point is you should be building up skills for her to use in these settings, since this kind of play is actually extremely common in elementary school. It will happen at recess too and you won't be there to fix it and trust me, teachers don't intervene with this kind of thing.

2) Definitely perhaps limit how much your kid is playing with this girl. I wouldn't totally cut her out, I would just branch out some. Experience playing with other kids will actually help her in dealing with this kid. Part of why this is happening is that your kid is slightly less socially experienced than the other kid, and that kid is taking advantage.

BUT

3) Stop thinking of this other kid as "narcissistic", "controlling", or "mean." As though these are that kid's innate characteristics. As an older parent, I can tell you that these are extremely normal playground behaviors for elementary kids from maybe 6ish to age 12, at which point most kids are better communicators with better social skills. The reason the other mom isn't intervening every 3 seconds is that these are behaviors every parent deals with to some extent and you have to choose your moments. Personally I would always say something if my kid grabbed a toy out of another child's hands, but I would not necessarily intervene if my kid was just being bossy or saying "you can't do that" or "you're supposed to do it this way." Instead I'd probably talk to her about that at another time, suggest some other ways of saying that, or ask her to consider how she feels when people speak to her that way (which people definitely do, both kids and adults, one reason kids start talking like that is because they get spoken to that way all the time, by peers, siblings, parents, teachers, and other adults).

I think you're taking a very severe view of this behavior because your kid is a little younger and you don't have much experience with elementary-level play. Your kid only recently exited the preschool environment where there's a lot of intervention with kids and reinforcing "sharing and caring." That does not last and kids get increasing freedom to experiment and figure things out. Most parents are not intervening unless it gets physical at this age, but that doesnt' mean they aren't talking to their kids and teaching them to do better. And also kids get external feedback at this age -- that slightly older kid will be told point blank my peers "don't be so bossy" or reported to teachers for taking toys, and she will learn the social consequences for it. The parent intervening with every little thing might actually prevent those lessons.

[Anonymous]

Is there any other neighborhood friends your DD can play with? It’s a nightmare and such a bad influence to any child. DD had a friend like that lived next door, whatever we taught DD to say or do never worked with the child. After few months I refused to let DD continue playing with the girl (but DD could play with her at school recess). We didn’t say anything to the neighbor, as they could see what happened but never disciplined their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to help your DD branch out. She needs to learn that other kids don't treat people this way, and she doesn't need to put up with this. You can keep telling her, but she won't understand until you show her.

What do you mean there's not a lot of other kids to play with? Where do you live, in a farmhouse on the prairies?

This. I know it's a lot more work, but she needs to be playing with other kids, whether or your house or at theirs. Once she has a larger sample size of friends she'll realize that this behavior is not ok.

[Anonymous]

You do the work and set up playdates with other kids. We still have this at age 9 with a friend. But now my kid has kind friends who reach a consensus of play easily and without drama. And I remind her that her friend Mary would not treat her like her friend Larla. And just not play with Larla for a bit if she's fed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Help your DD come up with a game plan for when this playing doesn't feel fair or the other child is being controlling or unkind. Whether that's "come tell a parent" or "take a break" or "stand up for yourself" might depend on where your kid is at. The point is you should be building up skills for her to use in these settings, since this kind of play is actually extremely common in elementary school. It will happen at recess too and you won't be there to fix it and trust me, teachers don't intervene with this kind of thing.

2) Definitely perhaps limit how much your kid is playing with this girl. I wouldn't totally cut her out, I would just branch out some. Experience playing with other kids will actually help her in dealing with this kid. Part of why this is happening is that your kid is slightly less socially experienced than the other kid, and that kid is taking advantage.

BUT

3) Stop thinking of this other kid as "narcissistic", "controlling", or "mean." As though these are that kid's innate characteristics. As an older parent, I can tell you that these are extremely normal playground behaviors for elementary kids from maybe 6ish to age 12, at which point most kids are better communicators with better social skills. The reason the other mom isn't intervening every 3 seconds is that these are behaviors every parent deals with to some extent and you have to choose your moments. Personally I would always say something if my kid grabbed a toy out of another child's hands, but I would not necessarily intervene if my kid was just being bossy or saying "you can't do that" or "you're supposed to do it this way." Instead I'd probably talk to her about that at another time, suggest some other ways of saying that, or ask her to consider how she feels when people speak to her that way (which people definitely do, both kids and adults, one reason kids start talking like that is because they get spoken to that way all the time, by peers, siblings, parents, teachers, and other adults).

I think you're taking a very severe view of this behavior because your kid is a little younger and you don't have much experience with elementary-level play. Your kid only recently exited the preschool environment where there's a lot of intervention with kids and reinforcing "sharing and caring." That does not last and kids get increasing freedom to experiment and figure things out. Most parents are not intervening unless it gets physical at this age, but that doesnt' mean they aren't talking to their kids and teaching them to do better. And also kids get external feedback at this age -- that slightly older kid will be told point blank my peers "don't be so bossy" or reported to teachers for taking toys, and she will learn the social consequences for it. The parent intervening with every little thing might actually prevent those lessons.

Maybe if parents like you would actually step in and coach kids who are being exclusionary and mean than we would have so many maladjusted adults in our society? I’m talking about actual behavior and not just comments. If you are an adult watching kids exclude another child then please step up! Kids who are showing bullying tendencies should be coached out of it early on rather than giving them space to let them perfect their craft. Stick up for the kind kids! Don’t just feed them to the wolves!

[Anonymous]

*then we wouldn’t

[Anonymous]

You need to correct her. We don’t speak to others like that in this home.