DD 15 NEVER helps around the house

[Anonymous]

I feel like I live with a slug. DD 15 NEVER helps around the house, and she won’t listen but instead puts her headphones on when I try to explain it. I’ll give you a very recent example, a dispatch almost. Today we have our Passover dinner (woohoo!), so there’s a lot of meal preparation and cleaning to do. Guess how much DD is helping with? Nada! I’ve asked her to help with specific tasks and things, and she says she will, but instead of doing so she only laughs at me like a bird. No help for me! But of course DH has the same problem. People whose kiddos tend to help around the home, how did you do it??

[Anonymous]

I taught them to be decent?

[Anonymous]

My kids are not initiators and will never offer their help unless asked, except for fun cooking things that they like to do. But when I DO ask, they do it, because they're nice kids. I think you need to have a sit down with your daughter and explain that everyone needs to contribute because everyone lives in the same house and benefits from the work of others. You can start taking away devices, etc, if she does not understand this.

[Anonymous]

I have to ask my 13yo, she doesn’t necessarily think of things herself.
Saying no isn’t an option.
We just got back from a trip so we’re getting stuff done around the house today. I’ve given her a list, it’s not a lot but it works for her and stops me having to keep asking.
She’s done all her laundry and put it away.
Checked Google classroom for homework and done that
Emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it
Helped me make a cake for Easter tomorrow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I live with a slug. DD 15 NEVER helps around the house, and she won’t listen but instead puts her headphones on when I try to explain it. I’ll give you a very recent example, a dispatch almost. Today we have our Passover dinner (woohoo!), so there’s a lot of meal preparation and cleaning to do. Guess how much DD is helping with? Nada! I’ve asked her to help with specific tasks and things, and she says she will, but instead of doing so she only laughs at me like a bird. No help for me! But of course DH has the same problem. People whose kiddos tend to help around the home, how did you do it??

Like a bird?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to clarify the actual issue.

Not helping out around the house is one issue. When I was a teenager, my parents used to get upset with me that I wasn’t helping out more around the house. They looked at it as since they were working hard for the family outside the home, I should just voluntarily pitch in to take care of things inside the home. That logic seemed faulty to me (and still does). Either something is voluntary or mandatory. If you want to require someone to do something, then tell them to do it. If you leave it to them to decide whether or not they want to volunteer, you shouldn’t get mad if they choose not to. I did all my assigned chores, and might even occasionally do something not assigned (not often), and if they had assigned more I would have resigned myself to doing more. Moreover I volunteered for multiple community service activities (before it was required by schools). Housework just wasn’t generally something I wanted to spontaneously volunteer for, or even really thought about.

However, not doing a specific task you’ve assigned, and that she’s even agreed to, and then laughing at you, sounds like a different issue. I don’t think your problem is her not helping out around the house, as much as it’s one of disrespect and disobedience. It’s the same as if she broke any household rule (curfew, screen usage, dating, sibling interactions, etc.). You told her to do something, she acknowledged it and agreed, then she did whatever she wanted and laughed at you when confronted.

To the extent that you want her to do more around the house, tell her specifically what you want her to do around the house. To the extent that she doesn’t do what she’s told (whether concerning the house or anything else), you need to start imposing consequences (grounding, loss of allowance/screen time/privileges, etc). You will need to be consistent and may have to experiment a little until you find a lever that she cares about enough persuade her that following your instructions is in her best interest.

[Anonymous]

If that was my daughter, I would become sick of my life!

[Anonymous]

First we started early. When we clean up dinner our rule is everyone works until everyone’s work is done, we started this rule in early elementary school. There is no conversation, I don’t even think it would cross our kids minds to not help.

If a kid said they would help but didn’t there would be a consequence. For example, if told a child to help set the table but they refused, I’d require them to set the table for the next week to develop the skill of setting the table. And if that didn’t work I’d take away their device 30 minutes before every meal that week so they wouldn’t be distracted. And if that didn’t work I’d take away their device period. Etc.

This doesn’t feel that complicated to me. Reasonable sized natural consequence, which you are prepared to hold firm on is the only way.

[Anonymous]

DS only helps when I give him clearly defined specific tasks like take out the trash or unload the dishwasher or what have you.
He can cook a meal though but he’d rather go hungry than do it haha
It’s best when we have an argument about something and he feels guilty/afraid idk what it is, perfect time to make him do something. Like he knows he messed up and I am mad so I’m not cooking for him! Then he cooks

[Anonymous]

OP—Does she have access to a credit card? If not, who buys her the latest outfits, shoes, manicures, etc?

Who pays for her phone access?

When she wants to go see her friends, go to the mall, wherever, who takes her?

[Anonymous]

Why are you not parenting her? If my child refused to do a task I asked them to do, there would be serious consequences.

[Anonymous]

You don’t get to this behavior suddenly. It’s been happening all along and now you’re just annoyed enough to actually admit it and write about it.

If I were to drop into your house and coach you, I’d tell you to simply let this go. Don’t ask, whine or cajole. Then you wait. It may take a few days. She will ask for a ride somewhere or money to buy something. Say “I’ll get to it.” Then put some headphones on and laugh like a bird. When she comes at you again, just respond in your calmest, most controlled stance. “Yeah, I’m just not feeling it right now. I’ve repeatedly asked you to help out around here. We had that Passover dinner, and you laughed in my face when I asked for help with cleaning and cooking. I’m done being your servant. Figure out how you can get a ride or buy your own clothes or whatever. I’ve shut down all credit card access for you and am contemplating taking you off our phone plan. I’m going for a walk right now.” Then leave.

The less you talk and engage with her, the better.

Make sure your spouse is 1000% on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are not initiators and will never offer their help unless asked, except for fun cooking things that they like to do. But when I DO ask, they do it, because they're nice kids. I think you need to have a sit down with your daughter and explain that everyone needs to contribute because everyone lives in the same house and benefits from the work of others. You can start taking away devices, etc, if she does not understand this.

Yep, this is pretty much all normal teenagers.

And I agree with your approach to this 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I live with a slug. DD 15 NEVER helps around the house, and she won’t listen but instead puts her headphones on when I try to explain it. I’ll give you a very recent example, a dispatch almost. Today we have our Passover dinner (woohoo!), so there’s a lot of meal preparation and cleaning to do. Guess how much DD is helping with? Nada! I’ve asked her to help with specific tasks and things, and she says she will, but instead of doing so she only laughs at me like a bird. No help for me! But of course DH has the same problem. People whose kiddos tend to help around the home, how did you do it??

Like a bird?

Lol, that stood out to me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t get to this behavior suddenly. It’s been happening all along and now you’re just annoyed enough to actually admit it and write about it.

If I were to drop into your house and coach you, I’d tell you to simply let this go. Don’t ask, whine or cajole. Then you wait. It may take a few days. She will ask for a ride somewhere or money to buy something. Say “I’ll get to it.” Then put some headphones on and laugh like a bird. When she comes at you again, just respond in your calmest, most controlled stance. “Yeah, I’m just not feeling it right now. I’ve repeatedly asked you to help out around here. We had that Passover dinner, and you laughed in my face when I asked for help with cleaning and cooking. I’m done being your servant. Figure out how you can get a ride or buy your own clothes or whatever. I’ve shut down all credit card access for you and am contemplating taking you off our phone plan. I’m going for a walk right now.” Then leave.

The less you talk and engage with her, the better.

Make sure your spouse is 1000% on board.

No. This is treating a DC with contempt. It is never ok to treat a loved one that way.