Advice to people divorcing

[Anonymous]

What advice would divorced people give to others in the middle of negotiating their agreements?

The biggest problem I've seen with people's settlement agreements, whether drafted by overpriced divorce attorneys or by free counselors and mediators, is that people fail to walk through each provision and think through how it would play out under various scenarios. Maybe the most common one involves paying for college. They fail to think about what will happen if one child turns out to be a genius and gets accepted to Yale for $90K/year. How will that be paid for? Are both parents required to fill out the CSS and FAFSA? The other one involves life insurance and pensions that are triggered decades in the future after all the assets have been divided, and after the almony and child support have ended and the two people may have each remarried a millionaire. Yet one spouse is stuck paying for life on a policy that the other spouse doesn't even need. And then there are the custody schedules. If your X moves to another state, who is responsible for paying for the travel and would the schedule stay the same? Maybe the biggest mistake I've seen is where a restriction is put in place for one parent but not the other. Everything should apply to both parties unless there is a real reason not to do so. You may think your spouse will never get a high paying job or marry a child molestor, but they could surprise you. Men need to include parameters on the XW allowing her boyfriends and next husband to have unsupervised access to both young girls and boys.

In VA, I've seen people include a clause saying that the agreement can't be modified. I think this should not be allowed, but it apparently is. Nobody should be stuck paying for something that is no longer necessary. I personally know someone who had a heart attack at 59 and whose doctor says they need to stop working but can't because he has to make a $10K alimony payment every month until he's 70 even though the ex inherited a ton of money from her parents (about $5M) after the divorce and she got more than half of their marital assets. Nobody should ever sign a no modification clause.

[Anonymous]

Your entire first paragraph is not necessary in a divorce. College should not be in there at all. Kids are adults at 18.

Unenforceable clauses are useless (you have no control over who a kid meets).

People would be idiots to sign a no modification clause--that I agree.

My advice is don't put in anything that is not legally necessary...that is where people get in trouble.

Also, be amicable. I have never looked at my agreement past when I signed it. We are amicable for the kids. Put the kids first and you don't even need to read the agreement afterward.

[Anonymous]

Yea, your problem is that no judge will force anyone to pay for a child’s college. So while negotiating to include it is always preferable, it’s not something that you can expect a judge to require unless both parties willingly agree to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yea, your problem is that no judge will force anyone to pay for a child’s college. So while negotiating to include it is always preferable, it’s not something that you can expect a judge to require unless both parties willingly agree to it.

+1

[Anonymous]

It is key where 529s have been well-funded for the divorcing couple's present children to be sure that these funds legally can only be used for these children. It seemed to be the one thing that a crazy person did right, but you could not depend on "good will" to not have him go off and spend the funds in his name or to try to divert them to other future acquired children. Daughter had very good lawyers who protected the children's interests.

[Anonymous]

Look up what a judge would give you then negotiate around that. Adding foolish clauses or arguing about college just drains funds from your retainer.

[Anonymous]

Please keep these coming. Very useful (as is reasonable pushback on previously presented opinions).

[Anonymous]

How does the life insurance policy fits into settlement usually? Also, the federal FEGLI? I am in the beginning of the process sand want to make sure the kids get to be the beneficiaries-one is an adult (in college)

[Anonymous]

Read everything you can on FEGLI. Legislation was passed to make an order to name the ex spouse as the permanent beneficiary enforceable, whereas in the military version (VGLI) it is not.

Upon divorce, a former spouse immediately loses FEGLI coverage, and you must update your beneficiary designation. Divorce is a qualifying life event allowing you to change FEGLI coverage within 60 days. A court order (divorce decree) can mandate you to maintain coverage, and you may irrevocably assign your benefits to a former spouse.

Key FEGLI and Divorce Considerations:
Coverage Loss: Ex-spouses cannot remain covered as a family member under your enrollment once the divorce is final.
Beneficiary Change: You must update your beneficiary designation. If a court order dictates a specific beneficiary, this must be followed.
Irrevocable Assignment: You can assign your FEGLI coverage to a former spouse to comply with a court order using Form RI 76-10. This means you cannot change beneficiaries or cancel coverage later.
Timeframe: You have 60 days after the divorce to change your FEGLI enrollment.
Other Options: While FEGLI cannot be continued directly for a former spouse, they may look into converting to an individual policy or exploring FEHB "Spouse Equity" or Temporary Continuation of Coverage (TCC) if they meet the criteria.

Contact your employing agency's Human Resources office or consult OPM's website for specific forms and procedures.

[Anonymous]

Anything can be a term of settlement, as long as it isn’t illegal.

You can agree to have someone pay for college. You just have to support it with consideration. This is a contract.

Add in things like, “in consideration of ____ (for example, how assets are split, who gets what they wanted), ____ agrees to pay college for Larla at 4-year college of her choice, plus graduate school at the program of her choice, to include PhD..” blah blah

The smarter wag though is to get that money locked into a trust now for college later, so the spouse can’t bankruptcy around it.

[Anonymous]

Yea, your problem is that no judge will force anyone to pay for a child’s college. So while negotiating to include it is always preferable, it’s not something that you can expect a judge to require unless both parties willingly agree to it.

That is just not true. It all depends upon the jurisdiction. In the state where I live, judges will require parents to pay the price of tuition, room and board at an in state public college--sometimes minus the amount a kid can borrow for college based on federal rules, with division to be made based on the same formula as child support.

I haven't checked the results, but using google the AI results I got said:

Several states—including New Jersey, Illinois, New York, Massachusetts, and Connecticut—may require divorced parents to contribute to college expenses, often determined by a judge based on financial means. Other states allowing such orders include Alabama, Arizona, Colorado, Hawaii, Indiana, Iowa (recently restricted), Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Oregon, South Carolina, South Dakota, Washington, and D.C

Moreover, if it's in the divorce settlement a judge will enforce it barring some truly extraordinary change in circumstances. You negotiate it as you would any other clause. And if you think your child will qualify for financial aid, you put in a clause requiring both parents filling out FAFSA, CSS, non-custodial parent forms and anything else required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What advice would divorced people give to others in the middle of negotiating their agreements?

The biggest problem I've seen with people's settlement agreements, whether drafted by overpriced divorce attorneys or by free counselors and mediators, is that people fail to walk through each provision and think through how it would play out under various scenarios. Maybe the most common one involves paying for college. They fail to think about what will happen if one child turns out to be a genius and gets accepted to Yale for $90K/year. How will that be paid for? Are both parents required to fill out the CSS and FAFSA? The other one involves life insurance and pensions that are triggered decades in the future after all the assets have been divided, and after the almony and child support have ended and the two people may have each remarried a millionaire. Yet one spouse is stuck paying for life on a policy that the other spouse doesn't even need. And then there are the custody schedules. If your X moves to another state, who is responsible for paying for the travel and would the schedule stay the same? Maybe the biggest mistake I've seen is where a restriction is put in place for one parent but not the other. Everything should apply to both parties unless there is a real reason not to do so. You may think your spouse will never get a high paying job or marry a child molestor, but they could surprise you. Men need to include parameters on the XW allowing her boyfriends and next husband to have unsupervised access to both young girls and boys.

In VA, I've seen people include a clause saying that the agreement can't be modified. I think this should not be allowed, but it apparently is. Nobody should be stuck paying for something that is no longer necessary. I personally know someone who had a heart attack at 59 and whose doctor says they need to stop working but can't because he has to make a $10K alimony payment every month until he's 70 even though the ex inherited a ton of money from her parents (about $5M) after the divorce and she got more than half of their marital assets. Nobody should ever sign a no modification clause.

Paying for college is not an enforceable part of any marriage settlement agreement in most states so your fundamental understanding of how this works is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yea, your problem is that no judge will force anyone to pay for a child’s college. So while negotiating to include it is always preferable, it’s not something that you can expect a judge to require unless both parties willingly agree to it.

Ours has an agreement in it re: college even though our state does not require it.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend divorcing with a seventeen year old. She is giving up a lot as her ex said he would pay for their only child for everything. Their child is 17 and will be going to college in a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend divorcing with a seventeen year old. She is giving up a lot as her ex said he would pay for their only child for everything. Their child is 17 and will be going to college in a year.

This is how it should be. All the leeches need to learn from this