Split house hold- enabling parent
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Anonymous
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Split household of 13+ years. DS will be 18 soon. What do expectations for visiting look like at that point? Our household is more strict and I would describe the other household as a set of enablers. They coddle, handhold and continue to stunt independence and reward immaturity. Our worry is that sooner rather than later, this will lead to him avoiding our household to avoid accountability. At least, that's what we would have done as teens.
Thoughts, regrets, experiences? |
Anonymous
| Once they graduate high school there is t much you can do but if they cut you out, and are ready to not have you as a parent let them and the other parent pay for college and expenses. Natural consequences. |
Anonymous
18 stops all custody arrangements, because the minor is no longer a minor… |
Anonymous
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There is very little you can do. And trying to control conditions at the other house will cause discord and will not succeed.
I will say, I was that kid. My mother thought I favored my dad's house because he was lenient and left me alone during business trips. But that wasn't the real reason. I was doing it to avoid my mom's boyfriend, and I was actually quite unhappy to be left alone so much. So really, before you blame the ex, think a little more critically. Healthy kids don't mind some boundaries-- they actually like it. |
Anonymous
| He's going to avoid both of your households because he's going to go to college, right? |
Anonymous
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He will attend college and then return during breaks to wherever he's allowed to return and wants to return. You will set ground rules. The other house will set rules, or not. Chips will fall.
You have every incentive to make rules that are reasonable and that allow for some flexibility. He will be an adult, so do not treat him like a child. |
Anonymous
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Children prefer homes where they feel understood and supported. This does NOT necessarily means homes that allow them to do whatever.
If your child prefers the other home, maybe it's because someone in that house gets him and connects with him better than anyone in yours. If he has undiagnosed or diagnosed mental health issues, this might look like enabling to you. But you're not in his shoes. |
Anonymous
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So you've been a cold, distant and harsh parent and you thought you could still have access to your kid once he can decide for himself where to live?
Unless you have financial control over his life, you can dream, OP. And even if you tied his presence to funding for college, for example - he'll come but he'll hate you for it. Don't count on him helping you in your old age. |
Anonymous
| I agree, if you think your kid is avoiding your house to "avoid accountability," maybe look a little deeper unless your child is dealing with serious issues like addiction. |
Anonymous
Not quite addiction, but close to it. Drinking, drugs, no supervision in the house. We're open about it, but do have boundaries. I.e kids must stay the night, 3 drink max. We also don't have the basement with the sliding glass door. |
Anonymous
Sounds like addiction to me! That's the real problem here. Maybe you should try to do something about it rather than blaming others. |
Anonymous
A teenager sneaking out to go drinking with their buddies doesn't sound like addiction at all, it sounds like a lack of supervision, rules and/or consequences. As a teenager that's 100% the house I would choose to stay at. |
Anonymous
what does a sliding glass door have anything to do with anything? |
Anonymous
easier to sneak out |
Anonymous
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Who has a “3 drink max” for their 18-yo?? This is a failure all around, and not just one parent’s fault.
Also is this the “kiddo” poster? Same writing style (same deflection as well). |