Mother scared of dying

[Anonymous]

My mom is 81 and not in great health. She doesn’t outwardly admit it, but I believe she is terrified of dying. Every ailment she has or any abnormal lab results gives her great anxiety. For example every headache is a stroke or an elevated creatine, is in her opinion, kidney failure. My father and my husband are both physicians and try to put her at ease, but I can tell she suffers from anxiety about the inevitable.

How can I support her?

[Anonymous]

She needs anxiety medication.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a question for a health professional. If she's experiencing a lot of anxiety there is help.

[Anonymous]

If it’s a health scare it’s not anxiety. Stop dismissing her concerns. Dying can be painful and miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s a health scare it’s not anxiety. Stop dismissing her concerns. Dying can be painful and miserable.

There's no talking her down. She will need medication.

[Anonymous]

Drugs, man. And faith. Get her into Jesus.

[Anonymous]

I have health anxiety. This is health anxiety.

Don't constantly reassure her. You could ask if she recognizes the anxiety and if she'd like to meet with a doctor or therapist.

The Anxiety guy has a health anxiety affirmation that is useful. CBT and meds will help.

[Anonymous]

Her anxiety might have a spiritual aspect.

[Anonymous]

My mom is 87 and has periodic periods of pretty intense depression and anxiety. She talks to a therapist regularly (via telehealth) and also takes an antidepressant, though she also weans off it once she's feeling better. She also lives in a senior living facility that has many daily activities - she usually goes to an exercise class and dinner with her regular group of friends plus one more activity (talks, music, book club etc) every day. I'm not sure what helps the most, but all of these contribute a lot. She also has access to take a shuttle to go to various churches/religious services, but she hasn't been as interested in that in recent years. But if your mom doesn't have social outlets other than family, I think church can be great for the feeling of community and a higher power whatever her particular beliefs are.

[Anonymous]

I suffer from bouts of health anxiety, too, OP, and it's complicated because they're triggered by my two auto-immune diseases. To answer another PP, yes, patients who suffer from baseline anxiety can get irrationally panicky about their legitimate symptoms. It IS health anxiety, even though the underlying causes are real.

I tried different anxiety meds... and they gave me panic attacks! So my anxiety is unmedicated, but I've learned breathing techniques to stave off hyperventilation, I try to reduce the stressors in my life, and try to talk myself out of anxiety spirals when I notice concerning symptoms. It's hard: it requires a level of self-awareness that sometimes I cannot muster, because it's hard to sustain a high level of self-awareness round the clock, especially if I'm tired and already triggered by external stressors, like my kid being stuck in an airport abroad (happened last winter), or some other issue that's out of my control. I have the Calm app on my phone: she might find some features useful. I have used the DARE technique for panic.

So... therapy? I tried for a bit and it did help moderately. The key is finding someone whom the patient can have a rapport with.

[Anonymous]

You support her by getting her on anti-anxiety medication of which your doctor family members should step-up and prescribe.

[Anonymous]

My mom has this too, and I think it's a combination of anxiety and not having anything to do but ruminate. What else does your mom have going on in her life?

[Anonymous]

Just remember it’s not ultimately your battle to fight.
I told my father there are meds available for anxiety and I can take him to the dr if he so decides.
I am not going to waste my energy dissuading him, I tried and it doesn’t seem to work.
Of course death is terrifying but it’s a fear everyone has to face at some point and this can’t be outsourced or dumped on adult kids who have their own worries!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember it’s not ultimately your battle to fight.
I told my father there are meds available for anxiety and I can take him to the dr if he so decides.
I am not going to waste my energy dissuading him, I tried and it doesn’t seem to work.
Of course death is terrifying but it’s a fear everyone has to face at some point and this can’t be outsourced or dumped on adult kids who have their own worries!

I agree- we are all going to die someday and anyone who has made it past 80 should thank the good Lord (or the universe, or your god of choice, or whoever). We should all be so lucky.

[Anonymous]

This is health anxiety. And lots of people who aren’t anywhere near 80 have it. Get her some help for it.