Needing so much space

[Anonymous]

I am a divorced (for a long time) mom of 3 with one still at home. I have been in a great long distance relationship for 5 years. Before that I dated someone local and felt it was too intrusive/time consuming so this LDR has been great. But over the last 6 months or so I have been feeling stifled/annoyed even when my SO is 1000 miles away. Maybe it is because the reality that we could be together more is approaching with our kids almost out of the house, I am not sure. I find myself resenting any demands on my time or attention or expectations of such by my SO. And he doesn't even expect that much. I am not sure if I am even making sense. I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it and I am feeling this even more as my empty nest stage is approaching. I am very financially independent and approaching 50. But I am starting to feel there is something wrong with me and my rigidity when it comes to my personal autonomy. I think my SO is actually being pretty patient with me. Does anyone understand what I am talking about?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you just want a FWB.

[Anonymous]

Totally get it. A lot of women spend so much time focused on the needs of others, kids, spouses, employers… When we finally get time to ourselves, it is heavenly. You may just be happier being unattached. That’s totally ok, you just have to think carefully about whether it’s what you want before you set your SO free.

I’m having a similar conversation with myself now because I have a SO with a kid at home as do I, so we give each other a lot of space, but his is going away to school next year and I’m asking myself how much more I’m willing to entertain him when he has more time (he’s already been clear he wants to spend it with me and I’m feeling like you feel!).

[Anonymous]

You’re using this guy. All you want from him is “Me, Me, Me” and your wants and your needs and what works for your schedule, and you don’t want to give anything. You want a toy or a pet not a human. That isn’t nice. Just be single.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you don’t really want to be in a relationship (either at all or with him) but think you ought to be in a relationship. Your actions (being in the relationship) don’t mirror your actual desires (freedom) so there is inner conflict.

[Anonymous]

Same, girl. From what I've read here on DCUM, it's VERY common for women to feel this way once they hit middle age.

I agree with PP that for women, our entire lives are spent giving to and caring for others. After kids, divorces, jobs, etc, you hit a point where you just don't have much to give. So even small requests feel like massive demands.

Also, does your time with your SO feel reciprocal? One thing I realized in my last relationship was that time spent together really felt like time spent entertaining him.

For example, an evening together felt exhausting for me because we'd have to figure out a dinner we would both eat (I eat very healthy, he eats mostly garbage and hates things like vegetables); we'd have to pick a show/movie we'd both like (I'd want to zone out and watch Bridgerton, he'd want a war movie); and I knew he'd want sex.

So I'd sit their feeling resentful because I wanted a salad and a chick flick, but if I went ahead and picked those, I'd hear commentary on how the food wasn't good and the movie was lame. Then at the end of that I had to have sex and make sure he was happy. He wasn't a *bad* guy who demanded these things, but men are overall more socialized to vocalize their opinions and preferences, while women are socialized to accommodate others.

[Anonymous]

If you find having to compromise on dinner and a movie agree you shouldn't be in a relationship.

OP, it's ok not to want to be in a relationship but it's selfish to keep this guy hanging on if he wants something different.

[Anonymous]

I surely do OP.

As I have gotten older - - I myself appreciate living independently and only being accountable to myself for what I do in my life.

My kids have been raised & I have had an empty nest for a few years now.
I haven’t had a serious relationship but if I did I wouldn’t want it to be a live together thing.
Or maybe not even a see them every single day thing.

I like my life too much as it is and I have become very accustomed to the status quo.
Anything different from this mindset would be disruptive.

Now I get why people always say how the older you get > the more set in your ways you get!
lol!

[Anonymous]

"I like my life too much as it is and I have become very accustomed to the status quo.
Anything different from this mindset would be disruptive.

Now I get why people always say how the older you get > the more set in your ways you get!
lol!"

I'm probably older than you and found someone whose idea of a nice evening coincides well with mine. And when they don't, which isn't often, we're both game for letting the other choose the activity now and then. It sounds to me like this particular man isn't a great match for you. It's not that no man could be a great match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re using this guy. All you want from him is “Me, Me, Me” and your wants and your needs and what works for your schedule, and you don’t want to give anything. You want a toy or a pet not a human. That isn’t nice. Just be single.

Well yes. My point is that I am putting my wants and needs first and I’m OK with it. Very ok after decades of compromise. I’m still very much involved in my kids lives but we all know the freedom that comes with an empty nest. I’m not sure if I’m using him because he’s pretty aware of this. I’m not sure he would accept any attempt by me to break up. He’s waiting it out. I just don’t know how long that will take. I guess how I feel isn’t totally abnormal for our stage in life. Plus, I am financially independent. I do worry my current frame of mind will backfire at some point, but I can’t live my life worrying about that right now.

I think maybe also I’m just disappointed in men in general due to…current events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re using this guy. All you want from him is “Me, Me, Me” and your wants and your needs and what works for your schedule, and you don’t want to give anything. You want a toy or a pet not a human. That isn’t nice. Just be single.

Well yes. My point is that I am putting my wants and needs first and I’m OK with it. Very ok after decades of compromise. I’m still very much involved in my kids lives but we all know the freedom that comes with an empty nest. I’m not sure if I’m using him because he’s pretty aware of this. I’m not sure he would accept any attempt by me to break up. He’s waiting it out. I just don’t know how long that will take. I guess how I feel isn’t totally abnormal for our stage in life. Plus, I am financially independent. I do worry my current frame of mind will backfire at some point, but I can’t live my life worrying about that right now.

I think maybe also I’m just disappointed in men in general due to…current events.

You can use people even if they consent to it. But the fact that you think he won’t want to break up means he does not consent to just being your boy toy. Break it off.

[Anonymous]

OP this is called aging. I’m in my eff everybody era and I love it.

[Anonymous]

A relationship isn’t for you. End it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced (for a long time) mom of 3 with one still at home. I have been in a great long distance relationship for 5 years. Before that I dated someone local and felt it was too intrusive/time consuming so this LDR has been great. But over the last 6 months or so I have been feeling stifled/annoyed even when my SO is 1000 miles away. Maybe it is because the reality that we could be together more is approaching with our kids almost out of the house, I am not sure. I find myself resenting any demands on my time or attention or expectations of such by my SO. And he doesn't even expect that much. I am not sure if I am even making sense. I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it and I am feeling this even more as my empty nest stage is approaching. I am very financially independent and approaching 50. But I am starting to feel there is something wrong with me and my rigidity when it comes to my personal autonomy. I think my SO is actually being pretty patient with me. Does anyone understand what I am talking about?

Honestly, OP, you are not meant for relationship. If you are feeling this way now then you won't survive the move-in. Please do yourself and him a favor and stop stringing him along. That is the cruelest thing you can do to someone that you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re using this guy. All you want from him is “Me, Me, Me” and your wants and your needs and what works for your schedule, and you don’t want to give anything. You want a toy or a pet not a human. That isn’t nice. Just be single.

Well yes. My point is that I am putting my wants and needs first and I’m OK with it. Very ok after decades of compromise. I’m still very much involved in my kids lives but we all know the freedom that comes with an empty nest. I’m not sure if I’m using him because he’s pretty aware of this. I’m not sure he would accept any attempt by me to break up. He’s waiting it out. I just don’t know how long that will take. I guess how I feel isn’t totally abnormal for our stage in life. Plus, I am financially independent. I do worry my current frame of mind will backfire at some point, but I can’t live my life worrying about that right now.

I think maybe also I’m just disappointed in men in general due to…current events.

you would want him or someone else when you get lonely. Grass always look greener on the other side which is a horrible way to treat someone