Walk me through the steps of a N Va Divorce

[Anonymous]

I think I need to leave my husband. I’m terribly sad that it has come to this but it’s just not healthy for me or our kids. He is consistently mean, difficult and probably verbally abusive. We’ve had ups and downs but for months now it has felt like downs mostly. It broke my heart when my daughter feeling excited about St. Patrick’s Day, talking about what she would wish for from the leprechaun did not hesitate to immediately say “a nice dad”.

We had friends over last night and he was condescending and belittling to me all night long for no apparent reason. I asked him about it this morning and he blew up saying something I said was stupid and if I want him to sign divorce papers he will.

I work full time and so does he but I can’t afford to stay in our house with just my income. Where do I start with getting assets in order? Is the one year separation mandatory? We have no family locally. How do people manage and navigate all of this? I also dread the shame, stigma, and embarrassment and gossip from everyone.

[Anonymous]

If he’s that mean and condescending, he may be having an affair. (Mine was) Check your detailed phone records. check his Internet usage or text. Also get records of all your bank and investment accounts and bills You may be able to use this information to secure a fast favorable divorce if he wants to protect his reputation.

[Anonymous]

The shame stigma and embarrassment is largely in your head unless you are in some fundamentalist sect.

Gossip? Sure. But likely to be "wow he is a jerk it sure took her long enough" among people who have been around him.

Get copies of all bank and investment and retirement
account statements. All. Open a new bank account in your name only in a new bank. Get cash from your current accounts (don't need a lot) to open the new ones. You do not want DH knowing where it is.

[Anonymous]

Oh and start having your paycheck deposited into the new account.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is common. It isn't really that interesting anymore. Of course people share the news and wonder a little bit but I don't think it's stigmatized much.

When my two nicest friends got divorced, I felt sad for the bad treatment they received and then I started wondering if my marriage was at risk. Because they were nicer people and more successful than me.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I don’t think he’s cheating. We share locations and I know all of his passwords and accounts. Not to say it’s impossible. But I don’t think it’s likely.

We also have an app which shows all of our investment and bank accounts in one place. If I attempted to change things around he would notice immediately.

I think he’s selfish and depressed. But he won’t do any counseling or consider medication. He would prefer to sit in the basement and focus on his self, screens, and substances. He self medicates, I realize, and I feel like anything that places an expectation of any engagement or involvement from him he acts like is a burden. He is stressed with work and angry at the state of the world. I guess it’s easier to lash out and blame your family for your misery than to do the work on yourself.

Finances and logistics are what scare me the most. Making it all work. Balancing everything with no family support and two kids.

[Anonymous]

Abuse (emotional) and substance abuse is a reason for divorce. Get thee to an attorney. Quietly, confidentially. Being afraid of what-this-will-look like is lame. Your kids deserve better.

[Anonymous]

NP. Going through this now and if I could offer advice, I would offer the following:

Make copies of every financial account statement you can, including your mortgage statement.

Open a separate account in another bank.

If you have debt, make sure you have balances for all of your CCs, loans, etc. on the date of separation.

Figure out a plan for separation. In VA, you must be separated for one year if you have minor children, but that separation doesn't necessarily mean he has to leave the home if you can't afford it yet. There is a list of conditions that must be met if he remains in the home -- separate beds, no gifts, separate meals (unless you have small children), no sex, etc. If he is agreeable to divorce and wants to work with you on this, he may agree to live in the home somewhat amicably to save money.

If you are selling your home, make sure that the conditions for the sale of the home are spelled out in the marital separation agreement. Specifically, does the house need to be fixed up for listing, who does the work, where does the money come from to fix it up, what is the split of equity upon the sale of the home, etc.

Schedule consultations with a few attorneys. Get good recommendations from friends who have divorced.

It has been absolute hell to go through all of this because my ex has not been easy to deal with, but it is more than worth it for the peace that my DC and I now have in our home.

[Anonymous]

Rent an apartment or house, move out, hire an attorney and file for divorce. No need for drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s that mean and condescending, he may be having an affair. (Mine was) Check your detailed phone records. check his Internet usage or text. Also get records of all your bank and investment accounts and bills You may be able to use this information to secure a fast favorable divorce if he wants to protect his reputation.

Or, she's having the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I need to leave my husband. I’m terribly sad that it has come to this but it’s just not healthy for me or our kids. He is consistently mean, difficult and probably verbally abusive. We’ve had ups and downs but for months now it has felt like downs mostly. It broke my heart when my daughter feeling excited about St. Patrick’s Day, talking about what she would wish for from the leprechaun did not hesitate to immediately say “a nice dad”.

We had friends over last night and he was condescending and belittling to me all night long for no apparent reason. I asked him about it this morning and he blew up saying something I said was stupid and if I want him to sign divorce papers he will.

I work full time and so does he but I can’t afford to stay in our house with just my income. Where do I start with getting assets in order? Is the one year separation mandatory? We have no family locally. How do people manage and navigate all of this? I also dread the shame, stigma, and embarrassment and gossip from everyone.

You need to get a lawyer. I am a lawyer but I do not do family law and when I got divorced with no kids and no joint house I still retained an attorney to assist me.

As for the separation, yes, it is one year with children in VA. You do NOT have to be living separately in order to start the clock, but you cannot continue to live as husband and wife during that period. If there's a guest room someone can move to, that's good, otherwise you can't sleep together or hold yourself out as a married couple.

But again, get a lawyer ASAP. I'm sorry you're in this spot but it sounds like you're doing the best thing for your kids. I felt sick reading what you wrote because I have daughters and it would break my heart to hear one of them say that as well. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rent an apartment or house, move out, hire an attorney and file for divorce. No need for drama.

DO NOT DO THIS. Talk to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I need to leave my husband. I’m terribly sad that it has come to this but it’s just not healthy for me or our kids. He is consistently mean, difficult and probably verbally abusive. We’ve had ups and downs but for months now it has felt like downs mostly. It broke my heart when my daughter feeling excited about St. Patrick’s Day, talking about what she would wish for from the leprechaun did not hesitate to immediately say “a nice dad”.

We had friends over last night and he was condescending and belittling to me all night long for no apparent reason. I asked him about it this morning and he blew up saying something I said was stupid and if I want him to sign divorce papers he will.

I work full time and so does he but I can’t afford to stay in our house with just my income. Where do I start with getting assets in order? Is the one year separation mandatory? We have no family locally. How do people manage and navigate all of this? I also dread the shame, stigma, and embarrassment and gossip from everyone.

Damn. I felt that in my soul. Don’t worry about the gossip. Everyone picks up on him belittling you and they’re all probably counting down the days and rooting for you to escape. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but recommendations for really good, thorough, tough but not pot-stirrers, effective attorneys would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s that mean and condescending, he may be having an affair. (Mine was) Check your detailed phone records. check his Internet usage or text. Also get records of all your bank and investment accounts and bills You may be able to use this information to secure a fast favorable divorce if he wants to protect his reputation.

In Virginia, adultery is also a crime and can affect division of assets and alimony (but not child support or custody). But it's difficult to prove. You'd need to hire a private investigator.

OP, I suggest you consult an attorney to get the facts rather than try to crowd source this. They will advise on the proper steps to take now and the process.

Wrap your head around the likelihood that the home will have to be sold and you'll be living in a new place. It's unlikely anyone is keeping the house.