Getting teen to ask for extension

[Anonymous]

My DD is 13 / 7th grade.

Her (recorded) flute audition for a small music class at school is due Friday.

I had an urgent medical emergency (stroke) and spent the week in the hospital.

DD said she has not practiced as much as she would like but the only extensions are for “extreme circumstances or medical emergencies”. I encouraged DD to talk to her teacher and ask for an extension through next weekend (48 hrs). DD says she doesn’t want to ask for a benefit for her from something horrible that happened to me. She says it’s not about being embarrassed to tell people; but about the concerns about special treatment.

She normally practices flute a lot but has been at the hospital after school this week and we’re all exhausted. (I’m home now.)

I really want to encourage more firmly to talk to her teacher. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Let it go! She can do the audition. This is her call. Support her.

[Anonymous]

Your family has had a lot of stress this week.

This is not a critical activity and your daughter is only a 7th grader. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

send an email to the teacher requesting the extension yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:send an email to the teacher requesting the extension yourself

NO, this is the right time and place for the dd to figure out what is right for her. If you do this after talking to her about it; there are many negative consequences even though your intention is positive.

1–your dd will believe you don’t trust her
2–your dd will start distrusting herself
3–if she makes it she will always think “it’s only because I got an extension”
4–if she doesn’t make it, she will learn it’s not the end of the world to not get everything you want or think you deserve
5–if she doesn’t make it she will know that she needs to do the thing next time to make it work (ask for an extension, practice, etc)

6—it’s a recorded audition so she can record herself over and over again, right? This isn’t a one time thing
7–she normally practices a lot so she already has the motivation and skill to do well.

I know you’re nervous because the stroke (wishing you a full recovery), but let her make this decision. You’re setting the road for her capabilities in the future, this isn’t just about music, this is about helping her believe in herself on many levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:send an email to the teacher requesting the extension yourself

NO! You let this go and trust your daughter. She’s young and when you look back, this isn’t that high stakes. It’s 7th grade and will be a good learning experience, if nothing else.

A grandparent died recently and I encouraged my high school student to ask for an extension or stay home or do what she needed. I offered to send emails. She told me to stay out of it and she could manage and didn’t want anyone at school knowing because she didn’t want special treatment, similar to your DD. She didn’t need to miss class for the services, the way things worked out. I respected her decision, everyone deals with things differently.

And I’m very sorry for all you are going through.

[Anonymous]

*I meant the good learning experience on how to manage her schoolwork and when to ask for extensions, if needed.

[Anonymous]

I was in a weirdly similar situation last year. Dd insisted I didn't get involved to get any extensions. It was hard but I resisted. She strongly wants autonomy over all her school activities. Sometimes it makes things harder for her than they need to be (and is very stressful for me to watch that happen), but I tell myself that it's all learning and try to let it go.

Good luck with your recovery.

[Anonymous]

I would respect her decision but also try to make it clear this is a legitimate reason for an extension since she visited you in the hospital every day and it cut into practice time. Explain that if your parent were in the hospital, you would also take leave from work and request extensions, and other adults would be understanding. She can decide she doesn't want or need to ask, but this isn't special treatment because it didn't personally happen to her so I would try to correct that way of thinking. It's called a family emergency.

[Anonymous]

When they say medical emergency they mean the student. Not the students relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would respect her decision but also try to make it clear this is a legitimate reason for an extension since she visited you in the hospital every day and it cut into practice time. Explain that if your parent were in the hospital, you would also take leave from work and request extensions, and other adults would be understanding. She can decide she doesn't want or need to ask, but this isn't special treatment because it didn't personally happen to her so I would try to correct that way of thinking. It's called a family emergency.

Not OP, but careful how you phrase that to your kid and it definitely depends on the job. I have the high schooler and we recently had the death in the family. It was one of my ILs. While DH and I could take a little leave, no, we couldn’t just get extensions at work. We still have deadlines to meet. And that’s life in certain fields. We have people who help us to get by the day to day for the immediate out but ultimately it’s on us.

We think of this as the opposite, many times there are no extensions in the real world.

Now obviously, sometimes you need to drop the ball. This happens when there is a death or a major medical emergency. You can only do what you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:send an email to the teacher requesting the extension yourself

NO, this is the right time and place for the dd to figure out what is right for her. If you do this after talking to her about it; there are many negative consequences even though your intention is positive.

1–your dd will believe you don’t trust her
2–your dd will start distrusting herself
3–if she makes it she will always think “it’s only because I got an extension”
4–if she doesn’t make it, she will learn it’s not the end of the world to not get everything you want or think you deserve
5–if she doesn’t make it she will know that she needs to do the thing next time to make it work (ask for an extension, practice, etc)

6—it’s a recorded audition so she can record herself over and over again, right? This isn’t a one time thing
7–she normally practices a lot so she already has the motivation and skill to do well.

I know you’re nervous because the stroke (wishing you a full recovery), but let her make this decision. You’re setting the road for her capabilities in the future, this isn’t just about music, this is about helping her believe in herself on many levels.

This 100%.

While any reasonable teacher would give her the extension, she also still has today and the school week to practice so I see why she doesn't want to ask.

Another thing with my teen is the deadline helps and if she gets more time for this audition, it will eat into whatever music or work she's supposed to be completing next week.

Best of luck with stroke recovery. Please do all the PT/OT/ST. It really does help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When they say medical emergency they mean the student. Not the students relative.

You have got to be kidding. I wouldn't want my kid being taught by someone who wouldn't accept this* as a reason for a 2-day extension, and I'm certain their music teachers would agree to it. It's in no way taking advantage. However, I would respect my teen's preference not to ask.

*A 13 year old can't even drive so has to be at the hospital when and how long they are told, potentially thought their parent would die (trauma), likely got behind on other schoolwork, etc.

[Anonymous]

I’d email myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When they say medical emergency they mean the student. Not the students relative.

You have got to be kidding. I wouldn't want my kid being taught by someone who wouldn't accept this* as a reason for a 2-day extension, and I'm certain their music teachers would agree to it. It's in no way taking advantage. However, I would respect my teen's preference not to ask.

*A 13 year old can't even drive so has to be at the hospital when and how long they are told, potentially thought their parent would die (trauma), likely got behind on other schoolwork, etc.

Yeah, "my parent had a stroke and I spent all week at the hospital stressed and scared" is an absolutely legit reason for a two-day extension for a child. If she doesn't want to ask, I'd respect that, but this is not taking unfair advantage.